Hey, it is better than no lovin' at all.

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full

Brian Sullivan


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan,
he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian,
he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and
make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in
the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could
ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
F-----g' widow."

After
having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not
to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the British".

One week later,
New Zealand's "Stuff" reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Jerusalem, Wanganui Kohi Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all. Kohi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

The computer programmer's wife asked him to go to the grocery store. She said, "Buy a loaf of bread. And if they have eggs, buy a dozen."

When the programmer came home with a dozen loaves of bread, his confused wife asked, "Why did you buy so much bread!?

He replied, "They had eggs."

The New 2012 Ford

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1331179178.jpg

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bi tch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the
dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the
receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any
testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever.

The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out
thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its
head and barked.

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few
moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As
had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then
jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian then handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went beserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it wouldn't be $600 but would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the cat scan…………..."

Could be "Darwin Award" material
 

Extreme Idiots Compilation

Cheers
JB

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?

A: Because their worth it.

Old one....and has been posted before....but MY answer is because it's better than the death penalty.....:rolleyes:

Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dem be tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "Dem Texas Aggies, dem local Cajuns fum Bayou Teche, and dem Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person.
And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed dem Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the Commander "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one.

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Q: What is the longest sentence in the english language?

A: "I do."

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I see you smiling ... There ya Gogh!

Once upon a time, an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And so the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and banged skinny long-legged big-titted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard bi*ching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

I was in a bar Saturday night. Had a few drinks....

I noticed two large women by the bar they both had strong accents so i asked "hey! Are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them screamed "it's Wales you friggin idiot"

So, I immediately apologized and said "sorry are you two whales from Ireland?

That's all I remember.....

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

So Dick Clark dies in the year we aren't supposed to have a new years's eve?

Well played Myans, Well played!

A man is in the doctors office and the doc says "I have some bad news. You have cancer and I figure about 6 months left to live."

The guy says "That's terrible doctor. Is there anything I can do?"

The doctor says "Yeah, take 3 mud baths a day."

The guy says "Do you think that will cure the cancer?"

The doctor says "No, but it will help you get used to the dirt!"

NEW STATS FRESH OFF THE PRESS.

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING.

MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN THE LAST 5 YRS



25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness











That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

My sister is a lovely girl, but not too bright, and never seemed to be able to get a date.

I arranged a night out for her with a buddy of mine to see a movie and hoped it would all go well.

The buddy turned up fifteen minutes early and brought a box of candy, both were well dresed and looked very nice heading off together for the evening.

The next morning I asked my sister how it went. She replied the movie was OK but my friend was hilarious. OK I asked, why so hilarious? She said Well we sat down in the back row of the theater and I could feel his arm slipping across my shoulders then his hand slowly slid down inside my bra and he started feeling about. I asked what did you do? She replied that she started giggling. Then she elaborated by saying that his hand slid up her skirt and he started feeling around in her panties. I was a bit concerned and asked her what happened then. She replied she couldn’t stop laughing. When I asked why she was giggling and laughing so much she replied the candy was in my handbag the whole time.

Five Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Best one of the bunch. Donate to a charity and you'll have a pen pal for life.

A Chinese couple is having sex. The guy says, "I want 69!" The woman says,

"You want beef and broccoli NOW?"






Heard that at dinner last night during a joke-fest. :D

This is a copy-written article on The Daily Mash, so I won't copy it all - I will just give you a teaser & you'll have to go there to read the rest.

Greeks apologise with huge horse

"THE nation of Greece said sorry to the European Union with a present of an enormous wooden horse.

Left outside the European Central Bank in the dead of night, the horse has now been moved into the ECB’s central lobby where it is proudly on display. A gift tag attached to the horse, which is surprisingly light for its size and has small holes along the length of its body, suggested that it should be placed in the bank’s vaults overnight to avoid it being targeted by thieves . . . "

See The Daily Mash for the full text.

Ian

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for Agents Friday.

They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like every one else.

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

Rallyist view on car handling terms:

"When you see the tree you're about to hit, it's called under steer. When you can only feel and hear it, it's over steer."

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1338687368.jpg

:D:D:D

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up
your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

A rich couple were sitting in their backyard.
The husband turns to the wife and says "Honey, times are tough. Maybe you could learn to cook, so we could fire the chef."
She replies back, "Well, maybe you could learn to screw then we could fire the gardener."

:D