Guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 12 shots of whiskey, then proceeds to down them one right after another....

Bartender: Whoa, take it easy my friend.

Guy: Hey, if you had what I had, you'd drink like this too!

Bartender: What do you have?

Guy: Just a dollar.

Greece beat Japan yesterday in the World Cup
......they came from behind....

Just an FYI, because I don't give a crap, butt, having a Greek surname, not all of us are butt pirates. Like all Germans weren't in the SS, all French surrender, blah, blah, yada yada.....

Joe Bob. It was a JOKE.
All BLONDS are not stupid, it is a joke as well.

I KNOW it's a joke......I ain't Polish.....

WTH is wrong with Pollacks? Geez....

Butt Pirates do tend to be a bit "sensitive"... :)

How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Just an old joke...I'll see if I can remember...
.
Husband complains to a sex therapist about his wife becoming less interested in sex.
Therapist glances out the window and notices two dogs gettin' it on out on the courtyard lawn and suggests that the husband try that style.

A week or so later the husband comes back in with the same complaint and the therapist asks what happened to the suggestion.

Husband says, "After 6 Martinis, she couldn't even remain on her hands and knees."
"Six Martinis?!!", the therapist exclaimed. "What were you thinking?"

Husband said, "Hell, it took 3 Martinis before I could get her out on the front lawn."

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …, I said.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses?!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finish."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to
make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference
between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman,
you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

I saw a poor old lady trip fall over today!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled….
“Would all the married men, please stand next
To the one person who has made your life worth
living.”



The bartender was almost crushed to death.

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

"BOB" is not a greek surname
greek men from boys => crow-bar, yuck yuck ;)

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant and are wondering about the sex of their babies.
The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy.
The redhead said I was on top so I'm having a girl.

The Blonde starts crying and says, oh no, I'm having puppies!

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her
husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day
my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant
idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished
with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping
your mouth shut that does the trick."

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The secret to a long marriage!

At St Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Texas Cowboy Boots

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Robert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Robert! Shoulda bought a hat."

That sounds exactly like something a butt pirate would say...

Only on Fridays......and when she let's me.

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.


Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: Are you okay, what's your name?"


"Its Jack and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted..

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . .. I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it.."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said......

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks you which of her friends you'd want to have a 3-some with...... don't give her TWO names....

Thursday night I gradually woke up, stiff as a plank, in a Hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

~~~~~~~~~

Too funny. :D
Thanks!

Gift idea for this for xmas?
 

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1410143847.jpg

Need a gift idea for this for xmas? - or next time you go on a cruise, leave it on your lap, sunning on a deck lounge chair.

Cheers
JB

Idiosyncrasies of English
 

For your edification - if these have been posted before, my apologies


1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

3. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

13. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?

14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

15. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

16. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

17. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

18. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

20. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

21. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

22. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

23. How is it possible to have a civil war?

24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

28. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids?”

29. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

33. Why do shops have signs, “guide dogs only,” the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

Cheers
JB

I won’t be at home for a while because I'm in the Hospital.

Believe it or not.

This happened to me just yesterday!

I was beaten up by a woman.

I was in an elevator when she got in.

I was staring at her magnificent boobs when she said, "Would you please press one,”

So I did... and I don't remember much afterwords.

I may be out of hospital in a few days . . . . . . .

Redneck fire alarm.
.
~~~~~~~~
.
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1411154786.jpg

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one down the line of seniority until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?” “Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you fire her!”

A Texan walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber, using a straight razor, began to lather his face, while a woman with the most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him, he is the one shaving you.”

A retired Navy Chief flew to Vegas from San Diego for the weekend to have some fun and gamble.

The Chief lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

The Chief got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said.......

"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the Chief was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the Chief, having spent his time successfully acquiring another nest egg, poker and acey duecy winnings, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The Chief thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

He got in the first cab in the line and ask the cabbie.....

"How much for a ride to the airport? "

"Fifteen bucks " came the reply.

"And how much for you to "blow me" on the way?

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab." yell the cabbie!

The Chief got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, the Chief got in and asked......

"How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied.......

"Fifteen bucks."

The Chief said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as the cab drove slowly past the long line of cabs the Chief gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

^ ^ ^ ^

Now that's a clever joke! :D

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Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Operative phrase:
"...and screwing them when they weren't paying attention."
.
Snooze - you looze, eh? ;)

From Lorna, 107 years old:

"For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine, In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine, In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch, And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps.”

“When do you drink water?”

“I’ve never been that sick.”