Doctor to Lady, during her medical examination: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are all fine. Now, let me see that little thing that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her clothes ...
The Doctor stopped her: "No! No! Please don't remove your clothes.
JUST STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE!"

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 70.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And, it's the same side of the street.
I don't have to cross the road!
Life is good!!!!

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.


"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.


"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man...
"Costs too much!"

Old Montana cowboy in a drug store pharmacy :


Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah. She ain't that ugly."

When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the #@!! is Obama?" asked Pinocchio

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,




















What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:






"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !










'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Sounds to me like she's ........ !
.....been ....sweeping around!!!

Letter to husband -" My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XXX P.S. Your girlfriend called."

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1352104091.jpg

Visiting A Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
" Excuse me, Miss, those are my nuts that you are holding."

"I know" she answered sweetly."Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"

A clean joke!
 

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

A gentleman asked a lady in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: “I study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?''A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

Retired Health Message - Maybe a re-post
 

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's a$$. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years & you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Has this been posted before........??????

Cheers
JB

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.
1)Talk about a huge breast!
2) Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3)It's Cool Whip time!
4) If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5) That's one terrific spread!
6) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7) Are you ready for seconds yet?
8) Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9) Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10) Don't play with your meat.
11) Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12) Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13) I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14) You still have a little bit on your chin.
15) How long will it take after you stick it in?
16) You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Happy turkey day to all!

> A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and a terrible vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s beak was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s language. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, and kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Happy Thanksgiving

TEXAS SEX


Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at a Hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem , how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old gal home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me . . .

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman, and a hooker with diarrhea?






















The oysterman shucks between fits.

Or:

One shakes and shucks, the other fakes and ....

Best
Les

Three brothers opened a cattle operation and called it the Focal Point Ranch because that's where the sons raise meat.

A sailor goes into a whorehouse.

He does his business in hurry, and afterwards says to the girl, "If I had known that you were a virgin, I would have taken more time with you."

Replies the girl: "That's OK. If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my panty hose."


Bada Bing!

Are my testicles black?
 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1354750941.jpg
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, Ma'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!'


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


The best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad


But the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,

Your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up,

Takes the drunk by the shoulders

Looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa.......... Go home!'

Wisdom Of Phyllis Diller
 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up, is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. ’Cuz I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties, is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

I went to a topless strip bar last night, and saw a fat chick doing a dance on a table top.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The she giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "



***




"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.




***




I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
Thee hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it....

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly...
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse, and the mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
When a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. "How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *******s" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.






When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ ! ".

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.



Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'


Don't ever underestimate old guys.

An oldie . . .

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Ian

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of Milk and if they have Avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of Milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of Milk?"
He replied, "They had Avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
Especially Programmers.

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out
of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.
We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days.
All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what in heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.