2 Mafiosos are walking down the street in Brooklyn. They see a head laying in the gutter. The first Mafioso says "Hey! Isn't that Joe?" the second guy says " Nah, Joe's a big guy."

I heard the version TINY - Ticonderoga, New York

Or Wendy vs Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day

It's Welcome to Jamaica, Mon, have a Nice Day. The "Mon" is good for another inch.:D

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fuched up your hair?"

:D

The Southern version is "Shorty" . e.g., "Shorty's Bar and Grill, Chattanooga, Tennessee"

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE ..


After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,


'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,


'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.



With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .





"Sonofab1tsch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Q: How do you make a puppy stop humping your leg?

A: Pick him up and suck his d*ck!

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.


"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage



:eek:

What Adam said to Eve after she started to diddle him for the first time:
.
"You better stand back, no telling how big this thing's gonna get."

Guy comes home from work & sees a huge commotion at his house. Goes in & finds his (blonde) wifes car at the bottom of the swimming pool. "Explain to me how in the h**l did you manage that???" he says. "Well," she says, "I made a right turn at the driveway, and when I got to the living room, I took a left."

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a angry mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon" Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!" "No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really sorry golfer".

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The third batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls." The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

Man Rules
1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. you're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. we need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings... peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight... but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

A lady found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."


The pharmacist looked a bit surprised, but after a pause, said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him he hasn't gone to the bathroom in a week. The doctor gives him a prescription for a laxative and says "This should do the trick".

Three days later he is back, same problem. The doctor gives him a stronger dose and says "Let me know how this works". Three days later he is back again, no luck.

The doctor decides to look into this further and begins questioning him. "How do you sleep"? "Fine says the the man". "How about exercise"? Yea, I do a lot of bending and walking." "Maybe it's work related, what do you do for a living"? "I am a professional pool player", says the man. "There is the problem" says the doctor, as he reaches in his pocket and hands the man a ten, "Get yourself something to eat".

There is an astonishing amount of wisdom to be found on this board.

During a commercial airline flight an experienced air force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The air force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "...And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.


Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi (her mommy) pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

Way back when....a farmer has the local doctor out to his farm to see to his wife who is in labor.
The doc scrubs up and tells the farmer to hold the lantern while he goes to work.
In short order out comes a baby.......Congrats, says the doc, it's a boy. Then out pops another.
Suddenly the farmer steps away and the room goes dark. Where'd you go with that lantern says the doc...........think the lights drawn'm says the farmer.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!'

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

Someone recently asked me,
“What is your new job since you’ve retired?”

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor.”
Somewhat shocked, they said
“I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple”, I replied.
“The wife has told me that, when she wants my
fukcing advice, she'll ask me for it.”

Resurrection Sermon, Sunday service w/children….
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial.
Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

Ammunition Is Getting Scarce
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my SUV and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"

A redneck goes to his family doctor for a physical. The Dr. begins by examining his feet and finds a peculiar deformity in the man's toes..."What happened here?" he asks..."That's Tolio!" the redneck says.."Tolio? You mean Polio!" the Dr. says..."no, no...it's Tolio....what kind of a Dr. are you?...never heard of Tolio!?!"

The Dr. then moves on to the fellows knees and again finds a peculiarity..."What happened here?" the Dr. asks...."That's Kneesels!" the redneck says...."Kneesels? You mean Measels!" the Dr. says...."no, no! It's Kneesels.....you never heard of Kneesels either?!? Just what kinda Doc are ya?!?"

The Dr. then asks the redneck to remove his pants and underwear and then resumes the examination. Immediately he blurts out "What's this then?.....Small Cox!?!";)

A couple are out celebrating their 10th Anniversary and discussing how great things are going between them. The wife asks her husband if she has any things that need "improving" on her part?....of course he says "no, you are perfect the way you are honey...nothing needs improving!"

He, in turn asks her the same question.....she hesitates for a while...."Well, actually there are two things that you do that really drive me crazy! One...you're always picking your nose! And two, when we have sex, you never let me get on top!!!"

The husband chimes right in and says..."When my father passed away many years ago, I was by his side and just before he died, he told me:

"Son, keep your nose clean and don't F*CK UP!":D

They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS. and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. Kansas then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."

Nuts in a Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord.

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
the bike passed him.

MORE ROMANCE!

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

A Church Story

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size and warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour that they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said….


Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we witewll not hab a thermon tewday

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this 5hit but me."

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here.'

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or
will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"



After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."