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Angela Merkel arrives at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days". |
There is a rumour the the EURO is now going to be printed on Greece proof paper.
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If this doesn't balls up your day, nothing will
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AAA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .... Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing! Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.. Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." Cheers JB |
Two old timers from Nova Scotia walk into the pub. A sign says "Special - Lobster tail and beer $9.95" One old timer looks at the other and says " I can't believe it, my three favourite things.
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As I stood in front of the mirror, critically examining at my naked body, I thought, "They're probably going to throw me out of this IKEA pretty soon."
When I make breakfast in bed for someone all I expect is a simple thank you, not all this screaming about, "Who are you and how did you get into my house?" |
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You don't have enough ammo! |
Caveat: Might be a repeat as is fast becoming the case.
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $52,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!" Cheers JB |
Understanding U.S. Newspapers and Their Readers
~~~~~~~~~ 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. . 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. . 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles. . 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. . 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. . 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it. . 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. . 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. . 9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail. . 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. . 11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans. . 12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. . 13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in. . 14. The Arizona Republic is read by people who know who isn't running the country, especially in matters pertaining to the border. . |
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A Montana police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet." http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1439210344.jpg |
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way." |
The Six Affairs
I know some of these have been posted individually in this same thread. For that I apologize. Here they are together:
--------------------------------------------- First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied, 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' |
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher |
Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me."
Funny to the end. |
"TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... " Damn you, now I have to clean my keyboard. |
Subject: Jesus having a pint
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man.
Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle." Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus. The Newfie shouts, "Don't touch me. I'm on Workers Compensation!" (Our American friends can substitute "Newfie"(Newfoundlander) with their favourite generic group of folks generally on the 'wrong' end of their jokes.) Cheers JB |
Jesus more than likely would have slapped the Aussie for sending over a crappy beer like Fosters ;)
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." His Dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" |
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I did have 2nd thoughts on changing out the 'festers'. Myself, I preferred VB, Coopers, or Crown Lager when I in lived in Waverton & North Sydney. I am sure I'll catch some flak on these choices, but hell, I am a dyed-in-the-wool Heineken drinker - so there ya go!
Cheers JB |
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you." |
^^^^^
Perfect! :D |
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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid. __________________________ A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting." "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "everybody's already agreed to let him play through." __________________________ A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "what are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "an 8-iron, father, how about you?" The priest says, "i'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "i don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." __________________________ Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, i did." the woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- put me down for a five." _________________________ A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of heaven, st. Peter asked, "are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "got here in two, didn't i? __________________________ The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "what are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "this isn't going to take all day, is it?" |
Sister Mary and Sister Josephina were driving through the streets of Dublin one day, on their way to buy bread for the convent.
Suddenly, a group of drunk hooligans pulled up next to them, and one of them shouted, "Oi, show us yer teets ya penguins!" Sister Mary was taken aback, and said to her companion, "Oh my, I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross Sister Josephina." Sister Josephina rolled down her window, and shouted, "Go home and ***** yer ugly whore of a mother you stuttering dickless gob****e!!!!". She rolled up the window, and turned to Sister Mary. "Did that sound cross enough?" |
Q: Why don't roosters wear britches?
A: Because their peckers are on their heads. |
"What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." Masai Graham |
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, “I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!” The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.” So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. “What are those?” he asks. “Viagra,” she calmly replies. “I’ll be ****ed,” said the man, “I didn’t know Viagra works as a pain killer.” “It doesn’t,” says the wise lady, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.” |
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9..' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..' The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question…… Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..." |
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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked the flight attendant for whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice." |
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are over 55 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test, even if you aren't that old you should take it anyway. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S Answers below. Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert! |
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In your best Rodney Dangerfield voice...
I came home with a tube of KY Jelly last night and said to my wife, 'This'll make you very happy in bed tonight.' I was right. When I went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknob and I couldn't get back in. |
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A "Pirate Joke"..... probably a repeat......
So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them czhit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird-czhit" "It was my first day with the hook." |
Three year old boy in the bathroom hanging with Mom while she takes a bath.
He points to her "down there" and asks "What is that, Mommy?" She says, That's just my beaver, Honey." Little boy is also baby-sat by grandma. He says, "Grandma has one too, but I think it's dead." "Why do you say that?" asks Mom. "Because it's tongue is sticking out." |
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' |
Whats the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?
With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.... |
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