Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,
There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:
“What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies,
“Buggered if I know! It's in Arabic!”

Helium walks into a bar, and asks for a beer. The barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here"
He doesn't react.


Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.
And doesn't.


Heisenberg's wife left him. He was lousy in bed. When he found momentum, he couldn't find the position. When he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum.

An older gentleman goes in to the doctor for his yearly checkup . He takes his wife with him. The doctor looks him over, and tells the gentleman that he will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The older gent, hard of hearing , asks his wife " what did the doctor say?".
She replies, " he needs a pair of your dirty trousers"

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

OK, I found this HILARIOUS! I am SUCH a geek! :cool:

angela

THE WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''


http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1395171638.jpg

A recent study has found that women, who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it . . .

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.

For example....
The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheets as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, Hi?"

The attractive middle aged divorcee is doing her shopping. At the checkout counter, she can't help but notice the muscular, good looking, but none too bright bag boy. When she's done checking out, she asks for the boy to help her to her car with the bags. Walking across the parking lot with him, she begins to feel a bit randy. She sidles up next to him and says in a husky voice "I've got an itchy pussy."
He replies "You'll have to point it out to me ma'am, all them Japanese cars look alike."

Edited - Z-man

Geez Glen - I'm surprised that didn't get 'zinged' by now - it's 1:02 pdt here - must be OK!!

Reminds me of a story I like to tell about my early days in the pharmacy.
A young man comes in to the store and sheepishly asks if we carry condoms. "Yessir, I have them three for $3.95."
"Is that with tax?" the young man asked.
"No young fella, they stay on by themselves"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Two Irish nuns are sitting at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.





"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.




The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross.".




Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"




Sister Immaculata turns to Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"



:eek:

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sve
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.

Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "

Today, someone asked me ".....and now that you're older and retired, do you still have a job?"



I replied, "Yes, I am my wife's sexual adviser."



Somewhat shocked, he said, "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"



"Very simple. My wife said that when she needs or wants my Freaking advice, she'll ask me for it."


.

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

A: Beer nuts are $1.79. Deer nuts are just under a buck.

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you want to know"?

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.



"You'll be fine," he said.



She asked “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"





The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.



"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"


He replied “Yes, you'll be fine and 100%".



".....It's just that no one has ever asked me that before, after having her tonsils out."

One bad joke deserves another..


"How I lost my teeth"



Was in a back roads country Tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer gal came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.



She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number ? ! !"


I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"


She said, "I sure do"






I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing......"











My dental surgery is on Monday.

Dating in 1958

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.


"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.


"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"


"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to
determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs
computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good
one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed
she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked
the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some
hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by
some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human
strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It
hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I
suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over
my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony
and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and
bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I
tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two
fellow that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in
this cedar chest......"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into thewaiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those B****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order .'

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Dept. sent a Tax Inspector to audit the books of a local Hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the Executive of the Hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the Taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the Auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Executive.

What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandlebrot.

http://cf.chucklesnetwork.com/items/...yed-indeed.jpg

I've been laughing about this all day. And I wasn't born until 1970.SmileWavy

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife.

Husband: My wife, Misty, she went shopping two days ago and still has not returned home.

Officer: What is her height?

Husband: I never noticed.

Officer: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to the season.

Officer: What was she wearing?

Husband: Pant suit or dress... I don't remember exactly.

Officer: Was she going in a car?

Husband: Yes.

Officer: Can you tell me the make, model, color and license number and any
outstanding details of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333
horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with
manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes
for all light functions license IS HAS-GO! and it has a very thin scratch on
the left front door.

...and then the husband started crying...

Officer: Don't worry sir, we'll find your car.

No doubt—the following were written by women!


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM And he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by The bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1400242783.jpg

Through The Eyes Of A Man:

A wife was curious when she found a old negative in a drawer and had it printed. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".

SHORT MED SCHOOL EXAM:

When students took the entrance exam for medical school, they were perplexed by this question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over. The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going. Heisenberg replies that they do not, but know with high precision where they are.
The cop thinks that’s weird, and begins to search the vehicle. He opens the trunk and asks, “did you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?” Schrodinger says, “well, now we do.”

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

BWHHAAAAAHAHAAA!!!

That really tickled my funny bone, thanks for the share!

angela

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question ...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? ...Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****."