A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

I called the Jenny Craig company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and
there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. Soon, huffing and
puffing, I gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days
and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, I weighed myself and
am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. I called the company
and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a
knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'. Well, I'm out the door after her like a
shot. This girl too is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no
such luck. For the next four days, the same routine happens. And
I'm gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight
on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost
another 20 lbs., as promised. I decide to go for broke and call the
company to order the 7-day/50-pounds program. "Are you sure?" asks
the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous
program." "Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in
years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it
I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you,... you're mine." I lost 63 pounds that week.
Signed, Skinny

If you find that life is always dealing you more than your share of melons...
.....you're probably dyslexic...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very good of you, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.

He: “My dear, what can I do to help you?”

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook.”


http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1386872837.jpg

Somehow she was mad at him because he did not do it right. Looks perfect to me.

The reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad to get that straightened out.

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest b i t c h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the horrible response of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . .

“And you, Nancy?" ..
“ I wanna be Billy’s b i t c h."

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
As I was gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..





Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it?. !! ]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
As I was gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..





Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it?. !! ]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see?

<Untitled.jpg>

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO. (going without underwear)

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re ****tin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”


It's tough gettin old.



.

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer...

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.

I Love you Sweetheart ! The effect of those FOUR little words
..

A group of a dozen women that had all been married for over 20 years were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f**k did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

I Just got off the phone with a good friend living near the Canadian border.

He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping and is hovering at about 10-15 degrees F. The north wind is expected to increase to near gale force to add extreme windchill.

His wife has done nothing all morning but sit with her nose to the kitchen window and just stare.










He says if the weather gets much worse,......................... he may have to let her in.

The guys at the barber shop asked me to name the actress I would like to be stuck with in an elevator.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.

"He says if the weather gets much worse,......................... he may have to let her in."
~~~~~~~~~

Great! :D

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance Company, it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son, I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it is 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Willy was reading his morning paper as usual when he saw a photo of notably dumb football player and his girl friend, a beautiful young actress.
He looked over the paper at his wife and said, "Why is it the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives?"
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until tomorrow."

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerkcalled 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." ,

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ontario. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change inthe seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ontario is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to
walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ontario . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white **** coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofa***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ****head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of **** into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

April 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road?
Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow ****.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken Province of Ontario....

That's a variation of the Michigan one.

Or is that Ohio.

Or Wisconsin.

Or Minnesota.

Or.......

Yea, there is a reverse one of that about moving to Arizona.

How many people does it take to Circumcise a Whale?








fore-skin divers

I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.


1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over when taking children to the pediatrician.

Judas Asparagus


A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted, how much children understand what we are teaching???


The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something years.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'



Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to a class of first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your butthole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’



.

LOST: Small grey and white cat, answers to Electric Can Opener.

A ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a
small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands up on her chair and
shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that

way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth

as a human being? It's men like you who keep women from being

respected and from reaching our full potential. It's people like you that

make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in
the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! . . . . . . I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

They were all fairly routine stories and then there was just Janie left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service .45 cal. automatic pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"




"Don't **** with Mummy when she's been drinking."

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Sorry if its a repeat


Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel 4 Television UK, may I thank you for your application, submitted on behalf of your wife for our reality show.

May I also thank you for the charming photograph of her enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would like to point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind Regards Channel 4 UK

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Bob thought for a moment and replied "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, I'm out with my Pelican mates".

A Cowboy and Indian meet on the range....

Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."