Blonde jokes!
 

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blo nde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!

-------------------

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!

------------

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

In light of the allegations of unwanted sexual attention, the Nashville Predators have issued a press release denying The Donald is a future draft pick.

Best
Les

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

Ted goes to the most famous whore-house in Nevada and sees a gorgeous, blonde whore sitting on the piano.

He walks up to her and asks, "Hey doll, how much for a handjob?"

She replies, "A hundred dollars."

"A hundred dollars for a handjob!?" he gasps. "Why so much?"

She says, "You see that car over there? It was paid for by giving the best handjobs in town!"

He ponders, and accepts her offer.


The next day, he returns and speaks to the same whore.

"That was great yesterday, babe, but how about a blowjob now!" he says.

"Sure, for $500 dollars," she says.

"$500?! How come??" he exclaims.

She responds, "I have the biggest house town" I can afford it because I give the best blowjobs around!"

He thinks about it for a minute, and accepts her offer.


The next day he returns, and asks another question.

"How about a little bit of pussy from you today?"

She responds "10,000 dollars."

Ted is astounded at the price and incredulously asks why so much.

She says, "Because that's what my doctor wants for the sex change operation to give me the little bit of pussy you want."

Here is a very interesting English lesson:


• Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
• Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
• And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
• Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking *******s and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

Well I guess we know why he won.

Late one evening, while the campaign motorcade
proceeded down a lonely rural road in west Texas, a very
aged cow that had wandered away from its ranch pasture
suddenly stepped onto the road directly in the path of the
oncoming vehicles.
The Secret Service limo driver tried to avoid the
aging bovine but just couldn't stop the car in time.
Unfortunately, the old cow was struck and killed.

From the back seat of the limo, Hillary Clinton
demanded that her driver go up to the nearby ranch house and explain to the owners what had happened. She insisted,
however, that the agent should resist any request from the
rancher to pay for the animal, and she screamed, "You killed
it, so if they demand money, it will come out of your own
pocket!"

Meanwhile, Hillary stayed in the car making phone
calls on her unsecured cell phone. About an hour later, the
driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray.

He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other and was
smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the
cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin
daughters made passionate love to me.

"I had just stepped inside the door and said ‘I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old
cow.’ "

"The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am over 50)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' '

Oh no,' I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking and bicycling?
''No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have frequent wild sex?
''Oh, no,' I said.
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'???

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?"

He says, "Ma'am... I'm completely blind... BUT... if you'll drop it on the counter... I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00 !"

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it !" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and ... accidentally FARTS.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is NO WAY the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The blind salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00 ?!?!? How in the world did you get $34.50 ?!?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00... BUT the Duck Call is $11.00... AND the Bear Repellent is $3.50 !"

First morning on her new job in a hardware store a man approached her. “I need a flat bastard.”

“Cad!” She slapped him and he rushed out.

The manager was aghast, but she explained the customer swore at her, so he just shook his head and went back to his business as another man approached her.

“I need a flat bastard.”

“Cad!” She slapped him and he ran from the store.

This time, the manager questioned her and she explained the offending language.

“Ahh. It’s okay. They were asking for bastard files. See,” pointing to a bin of files, “Those are called bastard files.”

She apologized, and he went back to work. Another customer approached her. “I need a file.”

“How about one of these flat bastards?” Glowing with new-found knowledge.

“No, I think I’ll take this little round son-of-a-*****.”

An all-time classic:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Dear Santa: How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 7 for Christmas. I hope you will remember all this come Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
*****************
Dear Timmy: Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine .... and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a pretty good boy, I think I'll bring you something with which you can go outside and play.

Merry Christmas, Santa
*****************
Mr. Claus: Seeing that I have fulfilled the 'naughty vs nice' contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. In addition, don't you think that a jibe at my weight is a bit trite considering your own obesity?

Respectfully, Tim Jones
*****************
Mr. Jones: While I acknowledge you have reasonably met the 'nice' criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is simply a REQUEST and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident. We will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills, and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.

Very truly yours, S. Claus
*****************
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you got personal. Now, you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we's gonna be waitin' for your fat ass and takin' my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want .... whatever I want, man.

T-Bone
*****************
Listen, Pizza Face: Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every house in the world on ONE night and never gets caught sweats a gang-banger wannabe? He sees you when you're sleeping....he knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people in such a way that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass ... and then walk it dry.

Chew on that Petunia, S. Clizzy
*****************
Dearest Santa: Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Love, Timmy
*****************
Dear Timmy: That's what I thought .... you little jerk.

Santa

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall..

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


3... One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications.
?Which one?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,



7... A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . .. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,



AND FINALLY!! ! . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.. . ... ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .. ... ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . ...
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.....


1 MORE


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came".

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

This morning I asked this hot girl at my grocery store what her New Year’s resolution was. She said “f… you” - so I’m pretty excited about 2017.

Italian man American man Chinese man they hire at building site.

Foreman point he say huge pule of sand and he tell Italian guy you in charge of sweeping. American he say you in charge of shovelling. To Chinese man he say you in charge of supplies.

He say then now I have to leave for little while I expect you guy to make dent in pile. Foreman go away for couple hour and when return pile of san untouch.

He ask Italian why didnt you sweep any. Italian reply I have no broom you say to Chinese man he in charge of supplies but he disappear and couldn't find him.

Then foreman turn to American he say and you I thought you shovel pile. American say yeah I couldn't find shovel because Chinese man in charge of supplies he not show up.

Foreman he angry and storm off to find Chinese man. Then Chinese man jump out from behind pile and say supplies! hehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small U.S.A. flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest.

The priest said, "well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house Had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and Had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I Can't believe they banged my wife after only five beers!"

:DWhat do you call a man that didn't use protection "during"? Dad:D Why was the Mary kay sales woman walking funny? Because her lipstick:D What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They are both looking for a tight seal!;):Dhttp://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1488473247.jpg

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's butt?


A: A mechanic.

Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is my wife a pervert or what?

OK, a 100% clean joke you can even tell in church!



Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.

She plunked it in and then coveredit with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized,talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her And talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake And would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of an excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"THANK YOU, I BAKED IT MYSELF" Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD IS GOOD"

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?http://gowellgames.com/apple/images/5.gif
http://gowellgames.com/apple/images/3.gif

Spam reported.

Les

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...


Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."



Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."



Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his dick...

I was talking to an old guy the other day. I thought the patch on his jacket said "Grateful Dead"

Upon closer inspection, it said,
"GratefulI'm notDead

I can understand that.
Best
Les

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two *******s.”
“What! Two *******s?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two *******s.”

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset.
He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there.
And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell
Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Man killed on golf course . . . The price of honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically: "I guess all those f***king lessons i took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43 ...