How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

Notice:

Due to recent market conditions, budget cuts and rising costs,

" The Light at the End of the Tunnel " has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

[cstreit]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[porsche930dude]

Whats red and smells like blue paint?

[porsche930dude]

Red paint

[craigster59]

This might be a re-post..

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, Spotted an
attractive man standing alone.She approached him, smiled and said, 'Hello.
My name is Carmen.'
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It Represents the
things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.
Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What's your name?'
He answered 'B.J. Titsengolf

[911Rob]

>Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

>I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

>The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

>I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

>I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

>My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

[911Rob]

>A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

>Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

>The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
****. That must be my husband!'

>So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
fast as he could go.

>A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

[Buckterrier]

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe & a collie?

A melancholy baby

[cstreit]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one
of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked, 'How does that feel?

Bert replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[cstreit]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ..

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[Racerbvd]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it ."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self

[porsche930dude]

In the past they always said we would have a black president when pigs fly. Well here we are 100 days into Obamas presidency and sure enough. Swine flu

[johnco]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year,
New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
story in the LA Times read: '
California archaeologists, finding traces of
200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than
the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Daily Iberian, a local newspaper in
New Iberia , La, reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Delcambre, La,
Leroy Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Leroy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,

La. had already gone wireless.

[imcarthur]

Grilling tip

As every Southerner knows, come next spring it will time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south --- outdoor grilling!

I have just found out there are many stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill! In these tough times free useful items are very welcome. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P
Albertsons
Costco
Dan's
Food Lion
Fry's
Home Depot
Big Lots
Brookshire's
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Sam's Club
Tesco
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie

I especially like the higher rack -- which can be used for keeping things warm!
Just make sure to get a metal one... the plastic ones don't do so well.
Ya'll enjoy now!



Ian

[gtc]

A bloke goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts.
The fellah starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie".
The bloke looks around and sees no one except the barman at the other end of the bar.
He takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice "You are looking good, have you lost weight?".
He looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the barman busily doing barman stuff down at the other end of the bar.
He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Jaysus, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket".
The bloke calls the barman down. "Do you hear voices?" he asks nervously.
"Voices Sir?" the barman asks, thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar. "Yeah, watch this" says the bloke.
He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what."
"Oh, that", says the barman, "its the nuts."
"The nuts?", asks the guy.
"Yes" says the barman, "they're complimentary."

[widebody911]

Why should hurricanes be named after women?
When they arrive, they're wet and wild, and when they leave, they take your house and car.

[tcar]

That's funny, but they stopped using only women's names 30 years ago this year.

[imcarthur]

[johnco]

California Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his
testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

[johnco]

Boudreaux, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a limo. She asked Boudreaux if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife Clothilde, Boudreaux asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife. In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it, but only under one condition... he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.