How about a joke thread?

[gprsh924]

I hate you

[Steve Viegas]

I cannot believe you typed that entire thing out...and that I read it...

[pwd72s]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to
the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network
More than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and
shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists,
finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Atlanta Journal, a local newspaper in Atlanta , GA.
reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in
his pasture near Jonesboro , GA., Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, GA. had already gone wireless..

[Saintly]

i want my morning back after that joke.

[MBAtarga]

I had already heard that joke, but it was some yahoo from Orygun!

[924slover]

An english teacher was teaching her class and asked the class to make a sentence using the three words green, pink and yellow. Little Suzy stood up and said " i was walking threw GREEN grass and saw a piece of PINK paper next to a YELLOW flower" "very good Suzy, anyone else?" Julio who was a new mexican immigrant stood up in the back. the teacher was surprised by this but decided to call on him he slowly began " the phone goes GREEN GREEN GREEN, i PINK it up and go YELLOW"

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by Steve Viegas

I cannot believe you typed that entire thing out...and that I read it...

+10

It was a great waste of time.

[Dueller]

Guy asks his wife to tell him one thing that will make him happy and sad. She thinks for a minute and replies "Your %^^&* is bigger than all your friend's."

[chocolatelab]

thats funny

im embarrased to say it took me a second

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

+10

It was a great waste of time.

I tried. I really did. Just couldn't bring myself to finish it.

[GH85Carrera]

Just read the punch line. You can guess the story.

[pwd72s]

Your Duck is Dead:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left
the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table,
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head
and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly,
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said;
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "$150!" she cried;
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged;
"I'm sorry.
If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

[widebody911]

Dean wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Dean groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

This perks Dean up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops.”

[pwd72s]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two
large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was
ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me
officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get
all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot
of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my
flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you
know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game
days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20,
or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop,
laughing. "OK.. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody
pays."

[teenerted1]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE .


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government

official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've

seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his

progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your

opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute

and then calmly replied, "When white man find land, Indians

running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,

clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb

enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Racerbvd]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[Dottore]

Courtesy of Jay Leno:

This woman's dying of cancer and she says to her husband, "Look we've
been together 30 years, but you've never gone down on me. I've always
wanted to know what that would be like".

He says, "OK I'll do it." So he does and she feels better, and he
does it the next day, and the next and so on. Finally, after six
weeks she's fully recovered, her hair's grown back. So she comes back
from the hospital, she's all excited, but the husband's sitting on
the couch crying.

His wife goes, "Honey, why are you crying? I'm in full remission."

He says, "I know, but just think— I could have saved mum."

[futuresoptions]

What do gay horses eat?






























HAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!!!!!

[cstreit]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tch3s would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[porsche930dude]

An old man and his wife were on a cross country trip. While going through Arizona, the old man got pulled over for speeding. The officer walked up to the car and asked to see the old man's license and insurance card. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man said "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD". The policeman told the old man that he was doing 70 in a 55 MPH zone. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "I WAS SPEEDING AND HE IS GOING TO GIVE ME A TICKET". The old woman said "OH OKAY!". The Policeman said he was going to the car to write the ticket. The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "HE IS GOING TO GO WRITE ME TICKET. After writing the ticket the policeman walks back to the car and says "Here you go Sir, here is your ticket". The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY" The old man says "HERE IS MY DAMN TICKET". The policeman realizes the old woman couldn't hear well so he says to the old man "I see you two have come from Kentucky" The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY" The old man says to her "HE SEES WE ARE FROM KENTUCKY" The old woman says "OH OKAY" The policeman tells the couple that he went to Kentucky one time. The old woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man says "HE HAS BEEN TO KENTUCKY BEFORE" The old woman says "OH OKAY". The policeman continues on to say "The last time I was in Kentucky, I got a blow job from a woman, and it was the worst blow job that I have ever had". The old woman said "WHAT DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY". The old man looked at her and said "HE THINKS THAT HE KNOWS YOU!"