How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

Larry is in Room 233

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his rivates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[imcarthur]

The Speeding BMW!

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Racerbvd]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's
family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk
with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything
about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would
get
the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful
baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful
little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said
he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he
needed glasses".

[cstreit]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'


About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________ ______________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read :


Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

[imcarthur]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage when a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied: 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote '710'.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked: 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said: 'Of course, its right there.'

[teenerted1]

wasnt that already on page Oh

[imcarthur]

You're checking? After 42 pages?

Ian

[djmcmath]

Originally Posted by imcarthur

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked: 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said: 'Of course, its right there.'

Reminds me of the old joke about the 35 ounce water pump.

[charlesbahn]

Subject: SADDLES

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered hera ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride
was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.

"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles"

[Mule]

Trip to the marriage counselor!





The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.



The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

[imcarthur]

Even retread jokes are better than any of the threads typically circulating in PPOT.



Ian

[imcarthur]

Last day on the job pictures . . .

[onlycafe]

doctor to patient," you have got to stop masturbating all the time."
patient,"why doc?"
doctor."so i can examine you."

[teenerted1]

there might be a version of this already in here but i got a good chuckle out of it again

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[imcarthur]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

[imcarthur]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic . It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as . . . .

PINO MORE

[75Carrera]

> Three boys are fishing in a small boat under a bridge in Texas. As the afternoon developes Barack Obama comes jogging over the bridge with several secret service and media types in tow. As he reaches the center of the bridge a reporter boldly steps directly in front of the candidate causing the secret service boys to push Obama aside and tackle the reporter. Staggering backwards Obama falls off the bridge, into the water and hits his head on some rocks. Without hesitation the boys all jump into the river and pull him safely back into their small boat. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts Obama praises the three for their unselfish and heroic act and offers to grant them each a gift, whatever they want, as a reward.
The first boy says he would like to have a new pair of Air Jordan's. Obama tells the boy that he will not only get him those shoes but will have Micheal Jordon sign them for him!
The second boy says he would like to have a new bicycle. Obama tells the boy he will get him the best bike money can buy, anything he wants and have Lance Armstrong sign it for him.
"And you, son," Obama says to the third boy, "what can I get for you?"
The boy thinks and says he would like a motorized wheelchair with a stereo and computer built into it. Barack looks at the boy and sees he is a normal, able-bodied kid. "Why," he asks the boy, "would you want a wheelchair son? Your not handicapped"
The boy answers, "Yes sir, I know, but I will be after my dad finds out I rescued your sorry ass!"

[75Carrera]

Due To Recent Budget Cuts,

And The Rising Cost Of Electricity, Gas And Oil

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Has Been Turned Off.

We Apologize For The Inconvenience.

[75Carrera]

[cstreit]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!!!'