![]() |
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir” Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?” Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close” Businessman: “How close?” Flight Attendant: “Same price". |
I went out for dinner last night with a very nice young lady. Plus a few drinks; we both like a drink or two so no harm in that. In other words a perfect evening.
But I woke up this morning and steeped outside to enjoy the sunshine then "WHAT the h***". Obscenities written all over the walls, broken glass everywhere. Pools of urine right outside my door. OMG, I said to myself "Why, why do I always have to do this." |
^^
Yeah, I hate it when that happens. |
Tax Time.......
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; and then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." The accountant says, "Chicken farmer it is." |
Quote:
|
Quote:
A pod of porpoises were heavy partiers. Wife swapping, drinking squid ink - they engaged in all sorts of lewd and lascivious behavior. One male said he wanted to "date" his friend's porpoise wife while being serenaded by a flock of myna birds. The friend, being the Bohemian porpoise that he was, swam down to Mexico to get a flock of mynas. On the way back he was arrested by the Coast Guard as soon as he entered US waters - the charge.... Transporting Mynas across the border for immoral porpoises. |
You are right...new low...but still funny. Thank you.
|
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? |
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She was not aware her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. When her husband came home unexpectedly, she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “I’ll tell.” Man: “How much?” Boy: “$750.” Man: “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “$1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That was way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*# again.” |
Outstanding, Glen.
|
The Piano.............
What sound does a piano make when dropped down a deep mine shaft?
Answer: "A flat miner" ! |
A plane comes in for a landing. It touches down but hurtles toward the end of the runway, with little room to stop. The pilot tries everything to stop in time, to no avail. The plane rips through a fence and into a field, but no one is hurt. "Wow!", says the pilot, "that sure was a short runway!" "Yeah," says the co-pilot, "But it sure was wide."
|
Subject: Coffee with Jesus
Subject: Coffee with Jesus
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “ ey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord. Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!" For Those Who Understand, no explanation is necessary. For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible. |
Three little ducks go into a bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said batting her eyelashes, "My name is Puddles." |
I went to the Doctor yesterday.
He said, "You're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why Doc?" He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you" |
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken! |
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband." The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either." |
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Dave |
"Have an accident?"
"No thanks, I've just had one." |
Your mamma's so fat that her spiritual guide refers to her aura as an event horizon
|
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. |
A Kiwi guy goes to Paris and is fascinated by the mayhem of pedestrians running across the road and car drivers almost clipping their heels.
He says to the taxi driver "What's that cross hairs looking thing on the front of the Mercedes cab?" Driver thinks "OMG, what have I got here. Might as well have some fun with him." He replies "That's my sights so I can line up and run down pedestrians." The Cab driver came flying around the next corner, lined up a person running across the road, then swerved last second laughing to himself. Kiwi guy says "Why did you swerve the last second. If I hadn't have swung the door open you would have missed him completely." |
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then he made the earth round, and He laughed and laughed and laughed . |
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret At age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue," she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!" Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat." |
|
OK this one is not really a joke, but a funny story. It sure made me laugh out loud.
A short story. One of my fire-rescue co-worker friends had a weird way of expressing himself. You knew what he was saying, if you thought about it. We were at an elementary school, doing a 'show & tell' about the trucks, and Bob was trying to explain about keeping calm in an emergency. "After-all you don't want to be a man running-around with a chicken on his head," he said. Read, "running around like a headless chicken." Another time, they were transporting a woman who had a syncopal episode (fainting) and who had lost-control of her bowels. She had been sitting on the floor covered in her own feces for hours, we suspected a CVA (stroke). Those are a mess. We try to clean them up before transport otherwise, the fire/rescue workers have been known to use the patient emesis bags themselves. On the way to the hospital, Bob made the telemetry call into the E.R. to inform them of pt. status, and our time of arrival. The E.R. physician asked for the most-recent set of vital signs, and Bob responded. "Doctor, the patient was lying on the floor we suspect for hours, she moved her bowels, and is now covered in fetuses." The doctor called back, and asked, "please repeat that!" Bob: "we don't have a most-recent set of vital signs, because of the dirty condition of the patient, she is covered in fetuses!" The next time the doctor keyed the mic, you could hear laughing in the background. When the ambulance arrived at the E.R. there was staff interest to see the elderly woman "covered in fetuses." We heard about the incident when our unit made a hospital transport, and from his partner. By now, he was used-to such happenings, and turns of a phrase. |
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE READS:
We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you. |
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it. “CASE DISMISSED!!” |
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?" |
Snowflake of the year...........
|
Q) What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A) Walk him and pitch to the giraffe. |
In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.
They are: 1. Legalized gay marriage 2. Legalized marijuana Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! |
Close.
Quote:
|
Just "practising a little creative or literary license' to carry the "joke"
|
Guys
I doesn’t matter how far you try and push the envelope ..... It’s still stationary!!! |
Amazon Book List of "Worlds Shortest Books"
World's Shortest Books MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY By Jane Fonda & Michelle Obama Illustrated by Michael Moore Foreword by George Soros ______________________________ __________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By "The Rev Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev Al Sharpton" ______________________________ ________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ______________________________ ______ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman ______________________________ ___ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry ______________________________ _______ ______ HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian ______________________________ ____ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson ______________________________ ____ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY ______________________________ _________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson ______________________________ ___________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY By Ted Kennedy ________ _ MY BOOK ON MORALS By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson and foreword by Tiger Woods with John Edwards ______________________________ _____________________ HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS ______________________________ _____________________ AND, JUST ADDED: My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy By Nancy Pelosi ______________________________ ____________ And the shortest book of all.... THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama |
Don't forget the thinnest of all.
True Statements. D. Trump. Best Les |
List of People Who Changed Their Minds After Visiting PARF
|
Subject: Marine Math
The Korean War, in which the US Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. "How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller. "Many, many, many many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer. General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many, many Chinese!" "Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio." In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes Sir?" "Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?" "General, we've got a whole ****ing ****load of Chinese up here! "Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!" |
All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:28 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2025 Pelican Parts, LLC - Posts may be archived for display on the Pelican Parts Website