A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.

Good one.

What do you get, when a Cement Truck runs into the police Jail. ?







.......HARDENED CRIMINALS......

Two satellite dishes met on a rooftop and decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

^^^ Ahh...no more 'pay-per-view'

Math Trick.


This is a great math trick.



How to change a number 1 to a number 2,
















http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1551929205.jpg

Yep, that should do it!

Two elderly couples had dinner together, then after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
One old gent says to the other, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great...I'd highly recommend it."
His friend then asked for the name of the place.
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

It's weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which we decide to lick the area from which a person urinates.

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday"
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pills you need a proper prescription...simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Hahahahaha

Another one.


Thieves stole a truck that was fully laden with a delivery of Viagra.

The police are currently looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.


"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.? Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.? Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.? Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with huge breasts?
One, is a crusty bus station
The other is a busty crustacean

q. how are women and clouds similar?
a. eventually, they go away, and it is a nice day

A woman hears a knock at the door and it's her husband's supervisor from the brewery where he works.

"I'm sorry to inform you ma'am, but there's been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into one of the beer vats and drowned." says the supervisor.

"Oh my God" says the woman "That's terrible! At least I can seek comfort in knowing that he died a quick death."

"I don't know about that ma'm" says the supervisor, "He got out three times to go to the bathroom."

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 12 large drafts of beer within a one (1)
hour period.

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

Milennials....exploring ancient ruins........

https://scontent.ftpa1-1.fna.fbcdn.n...58&oe=5DAE8F95

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your older brother's friends.

It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your *******'s broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

Three house pets—a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat—all die and go to heaven.
As with all the good animals, God decided to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says, “The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell Me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?”
The dog says “I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years.”
God smiles “Truly you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at My right hand.” He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?”
“I believe in color, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says, “For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with song.”
“Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says. “And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at My left.”
God finally turns to the house cat. “And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?”
The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says, “I believe You are in my seat.”

Before going to surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Cli-taurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it as needed

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuadetheir male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After severalBeers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click below:
click here - _Beer Demo_ (http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf)

Honda announced in recent news they will in future be licensing BMW's all wheel drive system " i X Drive" The first model to be released with the new system will be the re-designed CRV.

It will be badged as the Honda CRV i X.
The target market is the medical profession, specifically OBGYNs.



Best
Les

Three wealthy gentlemen were on their way to the auto auction, all set to buy a classic car for their wives. One gentleman asks another, "So, what brand of automobile will you be buying for your wife today?" "I think I'll buy her a Kaiser and surprise her," says the gent. "And you?" The first replies, "I believe I'll buy mine a Frazier and amaze her." They turn to the third gentleman, "And you?" The third scratches his head and ponders a bit. "I'm going to buy my wife a Tucker," he says.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC) decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has never had lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but AOC begins to
slide from the saddle. IN TERROR, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horse’s neck, but slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, AOC attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup. AOC is now at the mercy of the horse’s
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and
over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart
greeter, sees her dilemma ...and unplugs the horse.

Read this one recently on the Large Format Photography (info) forum. Enjoy!

Hell explained by Chemistry Student @ University of Washington - Seattle.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Exam Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.

This gives two possibilities

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this
theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is
not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
=============

Any toy can be an "adult" toy - they key is location, location, location.

Something for your Sat. afternoon coffee: an update (?) on an annual
competition held by the New York Times to see who can create the best
original lexophile. This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've
never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

I developed a cross between a tree and hemp rope. It's all bark but no bight.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

An unusual prize was awarded for the best rear end on a feline. It was a catsass trophy.

Best
Les

Why does a man have a hole at the end of his willy?

So he can think with an open mind.

A bunch of 30 Kiwi guys were doing a pub crawl - including the driver. Sadly the bus went down a bank and the whole 30 got killed.

They all arrived at the beautiful, most beautiful, Pearly Gates and said to Saint Peter"Hey my man, we've been in an accident and all got killed, now we want to be accepted into heaven." Saint Peter said "Umm, we don't usually let Kiwis into heaven, but I'll go and talk to God about it." Saint Peter goes off and explains the situation to God. God says "Look Peter I'm not really happy about it, can you go back and deal with the situation."

A few minutes later Saint Peter arrives back huffing and puffing and says "They've gone!!!" God says "What? The whole 30 of them?" Saint Peter says "No, no! The Gates, the Gates have gone!"

Hilarious!!! Thanks, Bill! :p

A Spanish guy comes to New Zealand and says our two cultures have a lot in common.

Spanish Guy says "Back home we have this word manana which means; tomorrow, not now, some other time... Do you have a word in your language that means much the same."

Kiwi guy says "No we don't have anything in our language with that level of urgency."

Sounds like a place I need to be.

The people in Daubi don't understand the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.