Ahh...the bible....#1 best selling work of fiction.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties.....and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No..."

She said, "Check the garage."

It's worked pretty good for me so far.

How you doing? :p

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead . But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it; so please, don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green, for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

At breakfast a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."

Some old humor................
 

Many years ago there was a humorist by the name of Brother Dave Gardner. One of his stories went like this:

"The guys up north all laugh at us here in the south because we are at home in bed by 10:00 at night. That's ok, beloved, they are still out looking for it at 2:00 in the morning!"

It's All About California.

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Arkansas, and "a Florida man," and all Texan jokes, somebody came up with this:

You know you ’ re from California if . . .

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain, and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground, and the children are all busy with their cell phones.

16. Or it's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.

21, You add an A or O to the end of an English word and think you speak Spanish.

Another California joke...

California is SOOO fu@ked up. "How fu@ked up is it?" It's so fu@ked up that I'm moving away in 8 months and never coming back! Oh wait?, that's not a joke. :D

Learning Spanish is easy:

Please is four by four.
See ya later is like the shoes, Adidas.
Merry Christmas is fleas on my dog.

Good night is Boo Way No Chaise

‘Keep your hands off my stuff!’ is Nachos! Nachos!

A guy is going to Mexico on holiday but doesn't speak Spanish except for some basics like si, no, cerveza, mucho, etc. . He comments about this to his friend who says, "That's no problem, just add an "a" or "o" to the end of an English word and that turns it into a Spanish word." The guy goes into a bar his first night. There is a lady bar tender, and he wants to have some sort of conversation and decides something about the weather is the safest. So he says: "Mucho coolo." The lady behind the bar says, "Si pero no para ti."

A guy reading your joke but doesn't speak Spanish. :D

Yep, I have no idea what the punch line is.

Si pero no para ti. "yes but not for you" google translate

I refuse to have to Google a punchline to any joke.

Culo is Spanish for ass and sounds a lot like coolo...

So..the man says "much azz" and the lady replies "Not for you"
Is that it?

Sorry, I should have explained. "Coolo" does mean A$$ or butt. So his comment comes out to say,"A lot of (or ample/good sized) butt." She says, "Yes, but not for you."

Got it...thanks!
Not much (if any) spanish spoken around here.

But can ya speak Ahmeek? ;)

Sorry again. I live within fifteen or so miles of the border. Even those who practically don't speak Spanish know a little basic. Sometimes I forget it's not as common as it is around here. Although my Spanish isn't nearly as good as it was years ago when I traveled to Mexico & Spain, I still have to resort to using it sometimes.

WINTER BLONDE


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Punta
Gorda, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that
says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.

'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour
one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves
up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says,
'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at
the bartender for a moment. Then look at each
other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They
pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far
they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men
says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said,
and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it's all the
same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar
who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man
gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks
and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired finlanders
from the UP of Michigan. They're waiting for happy hour when
drinks are half price.'

> >>> Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?",
> >>> the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000
> >>> criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".
> >>>
> >>> On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”
> >>>
> >>> The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
> >>>>>>
> >>

Some Word Play
 

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
(a little rough)

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Cheers
JB

As in 1906? ... come on.... It can't still be too soon.




A troop of Boy Scouts volunteered to pretend to be victims in a test of emergency systems.
A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

In the community where my MIL grew up in the '30s, there was an old character who used to tell tall tales and the neighbourhood kids would gather at his place to hear him spin his yarns.
One day he told a story about duck hunting. He told then he quietly approached a small lake with his shotgun and there, on the surface of the lake were more ducks than he'd ever seen. He got into position and fired. When he was done collecting all the ducks he'd hit with that one shot, there were 99.
One of the boys in the group asked him why he didn't make it 100.
To which the man's wife retorted, "You don't think he'd lie for one duck, do you?"

Best
Les

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Blondes are now telling alexandria ocasio-cortez jokes!

Saw Steve Sweeney the other night.
Guy goes in to see his doctor for Physical. Doctor tells him to take his clothes all off. Guy thinks its weird but does so.
Doctor says "An erection is 100% normal".
Guy says "I was worried about getting an erection".
Doctor says "I wasn't talking about you".

Sorry, "I was't worried" Dam, guess it's why Im not a comedian.

Now, that's funny.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Rick Wakeman, keyboardist for YES at the rock and roll hall of fame induction 2017:

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