The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats.

It worked like a charm.

The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.

Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony,

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest.

''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

Knowing he had run up quite a tab at the local watering hole didn't stop John from stopping in for beer on the way home. The barkeep spotted him one, but when John shoved his glass over for a refill, he was refused. "Your tab is maxed out without some kind of collateral."
John hauls off his Rolex, pushes it across the bar, points to his glass and says,





"Hold my watch and beer this."


Best
Les

That's a good one, Les.

"The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,.."
~~~~~~~~
Glen, you remind me of my brother. He loves jokes 'n has a million of them.

I was at a party years ago and started swapping jokes with the host. We told jokes to each for hours. A few of the other guest tried and just failed miserably. We had everyone in stitches. It was a fun night.

Nothing like a good joke teller, I say.
Man, you got a ton...I always click on this thread when I see your name. ;)

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance.
It's Yiddish and no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day, a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime and, as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her $1.00 - but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years.

Without blinking an eye, she said, "They're $1.25 now."

You gotta luv the Irish!!

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell,

with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers,

and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up,

rips her knickers off and says;

'This is for the flowers!’

'Don't be silly,’ says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Not a joke, but an amusing true incident.

The Medicos will get this;
I was reviewing a L.O.L. (little old lady) on the wards with chest pain, and was trying to establish if there was any history of heart disease.
She said "Well, last time I was in hospital they put me in the cadaver ward overnight".
I said "Do you mean the Cardiac Ward?"
She said "Yes, that's it".

Trust me, anyone who has worked in cardiology in the past decade will appreciate the humour.

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town:
a Presbyterian church,
a Baptist church,
a Methodist church,
a Catholic church
and a Jewish synagogue.

Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
"How much do you charge?” I asked.
“$80 per visit", replied the doctor..
"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?”, he asked.
"Well, $80 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?” he asked with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION. CHEERS!

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

THE MONKS

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard . The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk.."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Handyman Husband:

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
And gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.

A golfer walks into the Pro Shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers. The golf pro says they do, and they are $1. The guy gives the golf pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.

***This economic model is also used by the government.

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked the the three word question that no man wants to hear:

"Who Was That?"

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
And he closed the door.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

Thats nuthin' stated the nearby proctologist. Do all that through the tailpipe.

The Lone Ranger was out riding his horse Silver through Indian country when he found himself surrounded by hostile Indians. They took him from his horse and led him to the chief. Chief say, "Tomorrow you die!" Lone Ranger says, "Please spare my horse, he is very smart, watch." Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear and Silver raised up on his back hooves and dances in a circle. The Chief was very impressed. "Show more!"
Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear again and Silver takes off like he's been shot out of a gun. Silver comes back in a couple hours with brunette from the brothel in the next town. The Chief has is way with her and they spend the night passing her around amongst his braves. The next morning the Chief says, "Very good. But tomorrow you die!"
Lone Ranger again shows the Chief one of Silver's tricks, and the Chief is impressed. "Show more!" he says. Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear and Silver takes off like he's been shot out of a gun. Silver comes back in a couple hours with blonde from the brothel in the next town. The Chief has is way with her and they spend the night passing her around amongst his braves. The next morning the Chief says, "Very good. But tomorrow you die!"
The Long Ranger is furious with his horse. The Indians are fixing to tie him to a post and Silver seems to be running out of tricks. This time the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him straight in the eye and says, "I told you bring POSSE to dumb animal!"

Some of these stories just bring a tear to my eye, especially when they are about precious little girls…

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore.”

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. ”

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves.... But the maniac stays.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party at the Do Bar in Great Falls, Montana. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the casino and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Why did all of the chickens cross the road?

So they would be "poultry in motion"!

Why don't Mormons do it standing up?

Because people would think they are dancing.



(Side note - Mormons are allowed to dance but I heard this joke in the 70's. They are coached to refrain from modern suggestive dancing - which may include twerking)

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

11 - one to change the light bulb and 10 to serve refreshments after.


(Side note - my Mormon neighbours told me that one)

Barack Obama.

A sense of humor is good. Folks that told me the dancing joke were extremely religious.They went to the edge to tell me that one.:)

Spambot reported

Les

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three
words that no man wants to hear:

"Who Was That?"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside the hole, I could immediately feel it getting wet.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat."

Obama and Putin were walking out in the countryside, enjoying the scenery and the mild fall weather.
While on a quiet trail, they came across a sheep. The sheep tried to get away, but its head became caught in the wire fencing.
The poor critter was stuck.

Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep, dropped his drawers, and had his way with it.
When Putin was done, he turned to Obama and said, "Go ahead; it's your turn!"
Without a second thought, Obama walked over and stuck his head in the wire fencing.

It was George the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All of this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

THANK YOU!
I now have a Cleveland Browns joke for my brother, a die-hard Browns fan.

I heard a cat crying outside and opened the door to see the Cleveland Browns starting team playing football with a cat! I was about to call the ASPCA when the cat scored a touchdown and recovered a fumble on the ensuing kickoff.

A traveling salesman was visiting a farm. As he drove past the pig pens he noticed a pig with a wooden leg...
Being perplexed about it he asked the farmer about the pig during his sales call.
You want to know about that pig? Said the farmer….
Well I’ll tell ya’….
That pig stopped someone from stealing my tractor one day. He busted out of his pen and bit the thief and held him until I got there…
I’ll tell you of another story about that pig...
Our farmhouse had a fire at night while we were sleeping. He broke out of his pen knocked down the door and squealed until we all woke up and got out of the house safe...
The salesman still perplexed said but why does the pig have a wooden leg?
The farmer said that’s not the kind of pig you eat all at once