The .....................

Gay. ..... not that there's anything wrong with that.

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
Puzzled, the woman says, "Sure, but I don't understand how that would help."
"Well, every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,

"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you".

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him the QE2. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Motor Meister.

Two guys are sitting at the bar. One guy turns to the other and says"You look depressed, can I buy you a drink?" The second guy says "Sure, thanks. It's just that my sons 12th birthday is coming up and he was born with just a head. The little trooper has made it this far in life and he keeps such a positive attitude, I just wish there was something I could do for him." The first guy says "You're in luck. I happen to be a world renowned surgeon and I have been perfecting a technique where I take a head and attach it to a donor body. My success rate has been 90% and I'm sure your son would be an excellent candidate!" The father is so excited he rushes home from the bar and bursts thru the door and says " Son, I have a big suprise for your birthday!!!" The son looks at him and says "Geez Dad, not another f*cking hat!"

Puget Sound Joke
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into Puget Sound.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink,


"I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

The blonde nodded "yes" through her tears. After all, what
did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every
night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and
they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the Captain.

"What in the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly)
he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "This is the
Bremerton ferry."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------

Now THAT's funny.

yeah, that's a good one

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, she's been told twice already.

A young couple is taking a walk in the country when a space craft lands in front of them. The door opens and 2 aliens exit. They explain to the humans that they are intergalactic college students doing a thesis on sex with other species in the galaxy, and if they would like to participate. Well the humans agree(in the name of education) and they pair off with the respective matches and retire to the woods. The alien man and earth woman get undressed and she notices his thing is about the size of a piece of rice. She explains that for all purposes , it was useless. The alien tells the woman to pull on his left ear. She does and it grows to a foot in length but still the diameter of rice. The woman announces that that is cute but........... With this the alien points to his right ear. The woman gives it a couple of tugs and poof, just like a ballpark frank it expands. Well they finish and go back to the space craft where the alien woman and human man are waiting having already finished. The aliens thank their human hosts and return to outer space. The couple return to their walk in silence. After a while the man asks "how was the alien man"? The woman explains that he was the best she ever had and that she was more than likely ruined for anyone else. Then she asked the man how his alien was to which he replied " uh she was ok she just wouldn't leave my ears alone"

THE CARDIOLOGIST


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Three Brazilian soldiers
 

Donald Rumsfeld gave the President his daily briefing, concluding with, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff sat stunned at the display of emotion, nervously watching as the President put his head in his hands.

Finally, the President looked up and asked, "How many is a brazillion?"

haha! how many is a brazillion, that's hilarious!

Why God Created Menopause
 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. Within days of being discharged from the hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another fifteen minutes, they asked again and again the mother said no. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"When it cries? Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because," said the old mother, "because I forgot where I put it..."

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. He said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, You have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "Because of what you did, you were both in great danger. Two people together under those circumstances can be greatly tempted to act in the manner you described. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

======

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren. He doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds." Then he went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then he leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Shouldn't that be a clown outfit?

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could really do a split.

7. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gynecologist and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off one wine cooler.

And the #1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Discover the joys and challenges of boxers vs. jockeys.

And the #1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat #9.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.



The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."



The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"



"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"



The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.



The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?



"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother Won't let me in without a tie !!!!!!!!!!

THE NUN:

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT
TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE
WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL
INOUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU
ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES
THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS
SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND
AGAIN.

PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU
WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A
FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE
CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S
CASE,TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
"THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE
WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE
A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO
BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER
BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE
MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING
TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID
TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME
OUT. IT READ,

"YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND
MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."

Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."

Guy walks into a Drs' office and says,

"Doc, I think I'm a moth."

"What?"

"You heard me, I think I'm a moth."

"Ahhh, I think you want the psychiatrists' office down the hall."

"I was on my way there but I saw your light was on."

A panda walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter walks over to tell the panda he'll be with him in a moment. The panda starts to complain about the service after the waiter walks away. The waiter comes back and gives the panda a menu and gets a drink. The panda starts complaining again about the slow service. The waiter comes back to take the panda's order. The panda thinks the food is taking to long so he complains louder this time so others can hear. The waiter doing the best he can rushes the food out to the panda. After the panda finishes the meal the waiter brings the check over. The panda looks at the check then stands up and shoots the waiter. As the panda is walking out one of the other patrons says "you can't do that", to which the panda replies " Oh yeah? look me up in a dictionary" When the police arrive and talk to witnesses the same patron explains the exchange they had. The officer goes to get a dictionary and looks up Panda. It reads "Panda: eats shoots and leaves"

Kinda butchered it but oh well.

PHARMACOLOGY

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also
calledamoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of
course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails,"
"highballs," and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by
the name of "MOUNT & DO."

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.



"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."



Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.



Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.



"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."



Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?



The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope.



The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."



"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottsman?



Mick Jagger screams "Hey you, get off my cloud!"


Scottsman screams "Hey McLeod, get off my ewe!"

This might be a repeat BUT, An Eskimo is driving along when his car breaks down. The mechanic tells him it's going to take an hour before he can look at the car. The Eskimo asks him if there's a good place to eat while he waits. The mechanic replies "The Seafood place across the road isn't bad." An hour later the Eskimo walks back and asks if the mechanic s discovered the problem. The mechanic says "it looks like you blew some seals" and the Eskimo,wiping the corner of his mouth, says "No, It's just tartar sauce"

A college professor noticed a cute coed in front row was eyeing him so he stopped her after class and asked if she wanted to go out. She said sure.

He picked her up at her apartment in his Porsche. As he left the apartment he peeled out. He took her to dinner and peeled out leaving every light and slid around every corner. From dinner to the movies, he drove the same way. As he pulled up to her apartment, the coed said, “Gee I be you’re hard on tires”

He smiled and looked at her and said, “Bet it doesn’t”

Might be a repost . . . if not, click the link. What are wives often think we do . . .

Car Sex

Ian

Gentle Hands...

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately Seductively signalled that he should bring his
face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the
manager?"

She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him?

" She said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his
hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, " there's no toilet paper, hand
soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

(Editor: The following is an article that actually appeared in an Irish newspaper in County Cork.)



A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet that could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.


DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"


Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."


DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"


Caller: "Goan ... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."


DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"


Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"


The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:


DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"


Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."


DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"


Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."


DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"


Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Ikea have a new product - a bed for lesbians - its self assembly - but doesnt involve any screwing - its tongue and groove!

i went to the zoo yesterday and all they had was one small dog


it was a ****zu...

The schoolteacher asks the class "Can anyone use the colors green, pink and yellow in a sentence?" and little Pablo says "The phone goes "green,greengreen" I pink it up and say "yellow!"

It was Angela's 96th birthday party, and as she leaned over to blow out the candles on her cake and thought back on her long, long life, the children she'd given birth to, the man she had married and then sadly buried, she thought to herself, well no matter what at least I've grown old with dignity, then the nursing home attendant pointed out that her breasts were dipping in the trifle bowl again.

A teenage kid goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had sex with a loose woman." The priest says "Was it Daniella Moretti?" The boy replies "I can't tell you her name Father". The priest asks "Was it Patty Buffalino?" the boy replies "Father I want to show her respect, I'm not going to disclose her name." The priest is starting to get angry"You have to tell me her name or I'm going to suspend you from Church, was it Maria Pincetti?" The boy says "Father I won't say who it was, I don't want to disgrace her." Fine!" says the priest "your forbidden to attend Church for the next 5 months!" The Boy walks outside and meets up with his friend. "What happened?" asks the friend. "Well" the boy replies, "I got 5 months vacation from Church and 3 good leads!"

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the workshop manual.

Don't challenge an Indian...


Conversation between Baboo & his son.
Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates.
Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf, all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf, a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"











The guy says: (Keep scrolling)































"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."