oldie... 25 signs that you've grown up.
 

Subject: 25 signs you have grown up
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> 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
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> 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
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> 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
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> 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
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> 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
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> 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
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> 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
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> 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
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> 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
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> 10. You're the one calling the police because those%&@# kids next
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> door won't turn down the stereo.
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> 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
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> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore
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> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
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> 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
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> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
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> 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
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> 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
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> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
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> rather than settle, your stomach.
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> 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
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> antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
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> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
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> 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
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> 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
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> to drink that much again."
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> 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
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> 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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> 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
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> doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old
butt.
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> Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you
know
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> they'll enjoy it & do the same.

A bus full of nuns drives off the road and over a cliff, killing all of the occupants. Following their untimely deaths, the nuns arrive at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting to admit them into heaven. He asks them all form a line, as he has to ask them a few questions prior to admission, which they do.

St. Peter asks the first nun "Have you ever touched a peni$ before?"

"Yes, I touched one with the tip of my finger" she replied.

St. Peter responds "Well then I have to ask you to dip your finger in this holy water before I can admit you". Which she does, and walks right in.

The second nun steps up, and he asks her the same question - "Have you ever touched a peni$ before?"

She responds "Yes, I held one with my hand once."

"Well then I have to ask you to put your whole hand into the holy water before I can admit you". Which she does, and walks right in.

St. Peter then notices some nurses switching places in the line further back. He asks "What's goin' on back there?"

One of the nuns sticks her head out and replies "I just didn't want to have to drink that holy water after Sister Mary sticks her a$$ in it."

A three-year-old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mummy, are these my brains?"

His mother said, "Not yet."

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A scientist from Texas A&M University invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling while preventing the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

This happened about a month ago just outside of Ironwood, a little town in northern Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the creek and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, theres that idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

:D
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Good thread.

A Scotsman moves to the USA. Finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again
cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming
with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.

The Umpire called "Walk." The batter started his slow trot to first
base.

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!"

The people around him began laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A friendly fan noted the
man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's
got
four balls."

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU
SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, Then I sold him a medium fish hook, Then I sold him a large r fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"

With any luck he'll come home with a big red snapper.

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Two radio operators, one of them aboard a U.S. Navy ship, had the
following exchange:

Radio 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a
collision.

Radio 2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees.

Radio 1: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Radio 2: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Radio 1: This is an aircraft carrier of the U.S. Navy. We are a large
warship. Divert your course now!

Radio 2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.





Was debunked about 30 yrs ago but funny nonetheless.

What's the difference between a blonde and a 911?

You don't lend your 911 out to your friends.

What's a blonde say after having sex?

So are you guys all on the SAME football team?

Why a handgun is better than a man
Some just have to apply to both sexes!

* You can trade a .44 for .22, and probably get a little money to boot.
* If you admire a friend's handgun and tell her she will probably let you try it out for a few rounds, if you like it more than yours you can go for a trade or get one just like hers
* You can buy a silencer for a gun.
* You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're travelling
* Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup
* Your handgun will stay with you even if you forget to feed it
* A handgun doesn't fill the garage with junk
* Handguns are always happy to go shopping with you
* Handguns sit on the sofa during weepy films, they don't go to tinker with a motorcycle until it's over
* Handguns only roar when you want them to
* Handguns happily wear whichever holster you think suits them.
* The same model is available in different barrel lengths.
* Handguns don't squeal if you grab their handle with cold hands.
* If the first shot goes off too soon, there's another one ready in the magazine. You can easily reload a handgun. Your gun fires whenever you want it to as many times as it takes to satisfy you.
* If a handgun is not exercised it's happy with an occasional wipedown with an oily rag.
* Sleep with a handgun and you don't have to sleep on the wetpatch

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

What's better, roses on the piano, or tulips on the organ?
And,

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
(You have been warned!)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.



What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

Because Janet Reno is her real father.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II
(JUST WARMING UP!)
(You have been warned again!)

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
(Just Great Stuff)

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Talk about a typo...

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in
> > first class on a plane.
> > The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes
> > it between her legs.
> > The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
> > is probably
> > hallucinating.
> >
> > A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes
> > a tissue and gently
> > wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts.
> > He can't believe
> > that he's seeing what he's seeing.
> >
> > A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
> > She takes a tissue
> > and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
> >
> > The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to
> > the woman and says,
> > "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
> > taken a tissue and
> > wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are
> > you sending me, or are
> > you just trying to drive me crazy?"
> >
> > The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you,
> > sir. I have a rare
> > condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
> >
> > The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What
> > are you
> > taking for it?"
> >
> > The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
> > >> >>
> > >>
> >
And...
TEXAS PHRASES:

** The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
** Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
** Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.
** We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
** He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
** As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).
** S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
** It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
** Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
** This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
** He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
** They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.
** As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
** You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

Subject: Nuts

> A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his
> inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients
> to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived,
> everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started,
> the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up.
>
> After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down.
> After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into
> applause and cheers.
>
> Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and
> a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was
> a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what
in
> the heck is going on"?.

> The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy
> walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS"!

Student Nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,surgical
procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but... listen very, very closely.....
..
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out
his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving s*** out of the
guy and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Subject: Defending ... Men Strike Back!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

OK, this is the last one for awhile.

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares,

"Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

(URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub
regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by
females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available
almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and
bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few
units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a
vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a
relationship."

Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank
manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support
group nearest you, just look up "Cabarets" in the yellow pages.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The place went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink, on me"!!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons, and again revealing the same hairy armpit, asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Get the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her - - - the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A woman walks into a tatoo prlor and says" I've always loved the Beatles. I want a tatoo of Paul McCartney on the inside of my left thigh and John Lennon on my right thigh." The artist says "No problem" and goes to work. After he's done she looks down and says " that's not Paul McCartney and that doesn't look anything like John Lennon, I'm not paying!". The artist goes out to the street to get a second opinion, and finds a drunk. He says "look at that, doesn't that look like Paul McCartney, and there, isn"t that the spittin' image of John Lennon?" The drunk looks kind of wild eyed and says "I don't know about that Lennon and McCartney stuff, but the guy in the middle with the beard and bad breath, that's gotta be Willie Nelson" (apologies to the ladies)

Q:How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Wanna ride bikes!?

There's a new guy at the seminary, studying to become a priest. He's in the confessional booth with the older priest, listening to people's confessions, learning the ropes.

The first person comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed aldultery". The old priest responds "say 4 Hail Marys and 6 Our Fathers and your sins will be absolved, my son." The guy thanks the priest and leaves.

The next person comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I took the name of the Lord in vain." The priest sighs and replies "Say 5 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers and your sins will be absolved, my son." The guy says a quick prayer and leaves.

Suddenly the priest turns to his student and says "I have to go to the bathroom really badly, can you cover for for a quick minute?" The student says "But father, how do I know what to say to people?" The priest hands him a sheet and says "all the sins with the appropriate repentance are listed here. When someone tells you what sin they've committed, just consult the list." The student is apprehensive, but agrees and the old priest rushes out of the confessional booth.

Soon another person enters and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed fellatio". The student scans the list for fellatio, but can't find it. He reads the list again more carefully, murmuring "fellatio fellatio, hmm..." but still can't find it. He says to the person, "hang one one minute, I'll be right back". He tears out of the booth and grabs the first person he sees, which happens to be a young altar boy. He grabs the kid by the shoulders and shakes him vigorously, saying "kid! kid! What does the priest give you for fellatio??"

The kid slowly looks up at the student priest with big innocent eyes and quietly replies, "chocolate bar".

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square,and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do
your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,

ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

drank the milk,,,,,,,,,

***** on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

Being a state employee, the joke is strikingly familiar!

It was sent to me by a federal employee...;)

memory problem?
 

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store
was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first
saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is
the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep
track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought
but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when
he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and
asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we
got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front
of everyone?"


"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
second grade teacher!"

Two condoms are walking down the street. They pass by a gay bar and one condom turns to the other and says, "Want to go in and get *****faced?"

For Heaven's sake, DO NOT let Superman read this joke!!! :eek:

Randy

fashion guide for ladies over 40
 

Hello Ladies,

With Spring upon us, it's time again to remind ourselves of what not to
wear this season, while we are trying to look good.

Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite
confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop!

Why will Michael Jackson never be competitive in NASCAR?








He likes to come in a little behind.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.


After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

Two women are sitting on the porch when one says "Hey, here comes your husband and he's bringing you a boquet of flowers!" the other woman says "Oh jeez, you know what that means." the first woman says "No, What?" the second woman says "It means I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air." The first woman says "What, you don't own a vase?"

Only in Texas
 

A couple in Sweetwater, Tx. had a lot of potted plants
and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a
lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake
was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream,


The husband who was taking a shower, ran out into the
living room naked to see what the problem was. She told
him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the
floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him
on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he
fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an
ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that
time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the
Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped
his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke
his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled up newspaper
and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat
down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in
between the cushions where she felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her laying there passed out
tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at
the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head
with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined
that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke
the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious
man, smelled the whiskey and assumed that a drunken fight
had occurred. They were about to arrest them
all, when the two women tried to explain how it all
happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out
from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his
gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of
the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table
fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke,
it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell
through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and
the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire
truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires
and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital.
The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all
was right with the world.


About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for
the night.

She shot him ! !

A biker is having problems with his son who has the foulest mouth in school. He goes to a child psychologist with the problem. The psychologist says "No problem, we'll use negative reinforcement. Christmas is coming up. Ask him what he wants, and if he uses profanity, just substitute that gift with dog feces." So the biker asks his kid what he wants. "Well, when I wake up Christmas morning, right beside the bed I want to see the f*cking nicest pair of biker boots ever. And when I run downstairs, I want to se the f*cking b*tchenest leather jacket under the tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a bicycle in the driveway that looks just like a f*cking chopper!" Well, Christmas morning arrives, the kid wakes up and steps into a steaming pile of dog poop. He runs downstairs and under the tree is anther pile of dog poop. He goes outside and beside the garage is the biggest pile of dog***** he's ever seen. His father comes up to him with a smirk on his face and says " So son, what did Santa bring you?' The kid replies "Well, I think the f*cker brought me a puppy, but I can't find that c*cksucker anywhere!"

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same >tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
( of course they are the same tune but I didn't have to try to sing it. musician, remember?)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but >call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.