Kids, and controlled substances

[stomachmonkey]

I think the thing that bothers me about resorting to the cops is the messages that it sends.

"I am incapable of dealing with this" or "I do not know how to deal with this" so "I am going to involve an outsider in our problem" which effectively eliminates the parent as the primary authority figure.

Since the police are going to give her a slap on the wrist she has just learned that the consequences of her actions may be less severe than she assumed which just makes her more likely to repeat the behaviour.

Her peer group now thinks that dad is a d1ck and her status among her peers has been elevated.

She now has an image that she will either need to maintain or try to shed.

This will get around the neighborhood and her school, the "good Kids" parents will prohibit any contact with her making it more difficult/less likely that she can be integrated with a group that is a better influence on her.

This is messy.

Scott

[Overpaid Slacker]

Good points, Scott. Yikes.

JP

[Drago]

Originally posted by stomachmonkey
This will get around the neighborhood and her school, the "good Kids" parents will prohibit any contact with her making it more difficult/less likely that she can be integrated with a group that is a better influence on her.

Absolutely true. As a parent I'm very cautious of who my children play with, even at the young age they're at now (3 and 5). I don't even like them hanging around their own cousins to much.

My parents did the same for me and I'm quite sure that if we hadn't moved back up to WA State from some bad (family) influences in the Bay Area my situation would be much different now...for the worse if my cousins down there are any indication.

[PorscheGuy79]

Originally posted by island911
geeze-man; and if you saw a kid seemingly sitting too close to a camp-fire, toasting a marshmelow . . . you would do what? . . . push her in?

After all, she needs to be taught the laws of physics. . . "turn her in" to mother-nature -- the enforcer.

Just like when you see your 15 year old pointing a gun at his friends saying "bang bang" and say to yourself ah its okay we'll let them get it out of their system, as soon as one of his friends gets shot in the head he'll learn. Campfires arent like guns but neither is pot.

[island911]

Originally posted by PorscheGuy79
. . ..Campfires arent like guns but neither is pot.

"Campfire" was to be analogous to pushing the kid into the legal machinery.

[jyl]

My first reaction is that how I'd handle the situation would depend on what else she was doing, not just on whether she had pot in the car.

At least half of the people I knew growing up smoked pot at least sometimes, and even today among my acquaintances it is not particularly rare - I know more "occasional pot smokers" than I do cigarette smokers. Pot doesn't necessarily lead to underachievement - lots of these folks are professionally and personally successful - nor does it necessarily lead to more dangerous drugs or other bad behaviour.

So if my daughter were otherwise responsible, happy, and sensible - was smoking some pot but keeping up with her schoolwork etc - I personally wouldn't go overboard on it. I wouldn't have turned her into the police.

On the other hand, if she was failing in other ways and drugs, drink, partying was the center of her life - then I would come down on it. Starting with trying to divert her to other activities, then depriving her of valued things (car, money, etc), and if need be boot camps, rehab, and the law.

That said, I think you're in one of those situations where how other people would act is only that - how other people would act. None of us are responsible for, know, or love your daughter, so only you can really know what to do.

The other thing I think is that how our children end up is partly up to us, but largely up to them and to luck. We've all known kids who had good parents and every advantage but just never got it together, and kids who had neither but still had it in them to grow up well. Sometimes it wasn't apparent how the kid would end up until quite a bit later. All you can do is try your hardest.

Good luck.

[amity914]

With this on her record, there may be issues with scholorships and fuding, and it will affect her ability to get into a good college. I don't think that you fully understood what you got her into by turning her in.

HIEDI

[mikester]

Originally posted by amity914
With this on her record, there may be issues with scholorships and fuding, and it will affect her ability to get into a good college. I don't think that you fully understood what you got her into by turning her in.

HIEDI

Not to be argumentative but do you think she fully understood that there are consequences to her actions?

She should now.

She is the one who broke the law.

Granted it could have been handled other ways but if she is truely "out of control" ala Jerry Springer than I don't think they did the wrong thing. Plus shes a minor and her records will be sealed when she turns 18.

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by mikester
Not to be argumentative but do you think she fully understood that there are consequences to her actions?

She should now.

She is the one who broke the law.

Granted it could have been handled other ways but if she is truely "out of control" ala Jerry Springer than I don't think they did the wrong thing. Plus shes a minor and her records will be sealed when she turns 18.

Sealed records have been opened when needed, and like Heidi mentioned this will just do wonders to her getting any help for college in the future.

Problem with breaking the law is that we all do it all the time! Wolf and Mikester, tell me that you or your wife never speed when you drive? Thats breaking the law. How about having one or two cocktails then driving home? The kids see this and feel that if Mom and Dad do it then why should we worry so much about it.

Excellent comment about her and her classmates. The rebels will find a new friend and the straight ones, the ones she needs to hang with will shun her.

This gets worse and worse. Glad my parents thought a bit more before acting...

Joe A

[nostatic]

the peer group comments are spot on, and are perhaps one of the most potent forces in the known universe. It is amazing what a kid will do get "in" or do to stay "in". The trick would seem to be to have them around kids *you'd* want them to be in with (difficult) and/or have them feel good enough about themselves that they don't need quite so much external endorsement.

Not easy, and you have to start young. One of the most impossible tasks in the world is starting to be a parent during the teen years...

[Drago]

Originally posted by nostatic
Not easy, and you have to start young.

That's the truth! I just don't get it when I hear people say things like "I'm not going to worry about it (who his kids associates with) now...they'll likely not be friends when it matters.

Dude, it matters now!

This from a parent that doesn't beleive in spanking yet has a kid who constantly hits other kids and adults. A kid who once told his Mom that he was going to tear off her arms and stuff them down her neck...all from a kid of 4 years old. Better re-think that spanking stance dude.

[mikester]

Originally posted by Joeaksa
Sealed records have been opened when needed, and like Heidi mentioned this will just do wonders to her getting any help for college in the future.

Problem with breaking the law is that we all do it all the time! Wolf and Mikester, tell me that you or your wife never speed when you drive? Thats breaking the law. How about having one or two cocktails then driving home? The kids see this and feel that if Mom and Dad do it then why should we worry so much about it.

Excellent comment about her and her classmates. The rebels will find a new friend and the straight ones, the ones she needs to hang with will shun her.

This gets worse and worse. Glad my parents thought a bit more before acting...

Joe A

I think you missed the qualification in my remarks.

I referenced the kid being out of control ala jerry springer.

I also never said I didn't break the law. In fact I have and do but I have also paid the price. I've been punished by my father and not held it against him in a negative light but that punishment did a world of good to teach me about respect. I don't necassarily think that going to the cops was a good thing but I'm not going to condemn it not knowing all the details. I'm making the assumption she's out of control; frankly I would have a zero tolerance policy regarding illegal substances with my son and if I caught him with them his life would change drastically and quickly. At the same time though I would not rule out the law when dealing with a child who clearly has not learned respect despite my best efforts. Consequences have to be real or they simply aren't.

[Overpaid Slacker]

frankly I would have a zero tolerance policy regarding illegal substances with my son and if I caught him with them his life would change drastically and quickly. At the same time though I would not rule out the law when dealing with a child who clearly has not learned respect despite my best efforts. Consequences have to be real or they simply aren't.

I agree with this. There should, nay must, be consequences. What is the alternative? "Dad found my weed and was OK with it"?

I admit I was assuming quite a bit by what Wolf said -- and didn't say. He didn't mention "Jerry Springer" out of control; but neither did he mention having had this come up before and taking any corrective action prior to going to the cops. If he had, my view (and I suspect the views of other contributors hereon) might change some, a la John L:

On the other hand, if she was failing in other ways and drugs, drink, partying was the center of her life - then I would come down on it. Starting with trying to divert her to other activities, then depriving her of valued things (car, money, etc), and if need be boot camps, rehab, and the law.

If there are other salient facts, not yet in evidence, I'm willing to retract/revise my comments and issue a mea culpa. My point remains, however, that going to the police, under these or similar circumstances is the absolute last option.

Even if it turns out to have been the "right" thing to do, MHO is that Wolf should be mending things w/ his daughter. You can regret having to do the "right" thing, after all.

JP

[RickM]

Maybe she didn't inhale?

Seriously, I'm torn on how I would react in the same situation. I'd either go the "slam the hammer down" route or try to appeal to her sensibilities in a more "on her level" kind of way. I woudn't involve the police though.

I posed this question to a friend of mine a while back and the first thing he asked was "Did you ever smoke?"

I ask the same.......Wolf?

Things I keep in mind as I raise my daughter:

- Know what your kids are doing as much as possible.
- Keep them as busy as possible. Dont give them time to F up (good advice given earlier)
- Peer pressure will make impressionable minds do things they may regret. Know their peers.

I went out with a girl who's mom/dad caught her with rolling papers. No pot, just papers. She was grounded for a year....and I mean for a year. Sucked for me but she never touched the stuff again.

Good luck.

[Drago]

Hey Son...like, I don't mind if you wanna smoke and all but please quit raiding my stash!!!

[vash]

i got busted by my mom, with a stash. she confronted me, when i came home drunk (16 yrs old). it was not a good night for me. she was freaking pissed! like i am sure you were, but she didnt allow herself to count to 10 or any other cooling off period. she just went berserk on me, yelling and screaming. it actually got my attention, and from that point forward, i violated the trust. i had no more privacy. my telephone in my room was removed, she asked me where i was going. who?,....drove me places, wouldnt let me out, unless i gave her numbers where i can be reached. she basically haunted me. she got pretty involved considering my dad passed away and left her the single parent role. she effen took control like a juggernaut. she encouraged hobbies, which were bass fishing and hunting. which i did with my brother, and he avoided all the mess. we wanted to go deer hunting, she sent us to safety courses, bought me a rifle...blah blah blah. i have yet to smoke dope anymore. i did a bit of it in college, but it never went anywhere. it took along damn time for me to get my schit together. bottomline is that my mother never gave up on me.

i dont know if the cops were the best idea, but you started it...you gotta follow thru. dont get all wishywashy, kids gotta know the line, and it better be crystal clear. no mixed messages.

[nostatic]

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[nostatic]

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[stomachmonkey]

That'd sum it up for a lot of people.

[stevepaa]

Wolf
Hard thing to recover from. Children do stupid things, we all do stupid things, but they don't think twice about it. But we usually do.
You and your wife need to show her unconditional love. You will have to set restaints, and these restraints will restrain your activities also. It will be painful.
You need to have her see a counselor. There may be other reasons for her behavior requiring psychiatric/medical care.

I'm on my third in the rebellious stage. They are all different and sometimes you feel like a punching bag, but you can never give up.