Kids, and controlled substances

[Wolf1]

Well, last week I had the pleasure of discovering a small amount of marijuana in my 16 yr old daughters car...
I have suspected it for a few months, but did not want to accuse her without proof.

Her school counselor called me at work and alerted me to the fact that they suspected her, so I staged an unexpected search of her car and room and sure enough she was busted!!!

So, at first I was EXTREMELY pissed and decided I better cool off a little bit while deciding what to do, and exactly how to handle the situation. I stopped by the local police station to ask them about my options and discussed it with the wife.

We opted to have a deputy come out to the house, confiscate the "goods" and cite her for possession. Now, it wasn't the whole arrest/citation deal that you would expect. They will work with me and the prosecuter to try and come up with the best possible solution to this problem. Probation and mandatory weekly testing are high on the list.

Now my queston is, how do you punish a 16 y/o without making them rebel even further and possibly doing something stupid out of spite? As you can imagine, I'm not real high on her "friends" list right about now.. But, she won't listen to us anymore and I felt no other options were available to me. Now if she screws up she will have to answer to a probate officer, not just me.

FWIW..having your own child arrested, is not something you ever want to experience. It hurts.....alot.

Any thoughts or ideas where to go from here???

Obviously, I want to help her straighten up her life. and of course she doesn't see it that way.
In her mind I'm the bad guy here and just trying to control her life.

Why does raising kids have to be so hard????? And are you sure its illegal to slap some sense into them??

[Jared at Pelican Parts]

not how I would have handled it. Will only make her rebel more.

[Wolf1]

Originally posted by Jared Fenton
not how I would have handled it. Will only make her rebel more.

Well, I considered that. But I also know that she wont listen to me, from previous experiences (not drug related).

This approach will hopefully get her attention. And if she behaves as she should the penalty will be very light, if not there will be detention time on weekends.

[island911]

from what I've seen law enforcemnet is about the least effective counter-measures to drug habits.

. . .or is someone going to tell me that those "controled population" prisions are drug-free?

[JavaBrewer]

Honestly, bringing the Police into the mix would be the last thing I would recommend. That said, I can in no way offer you any suggestions on what to do next. Way way way more information would be needed and even then probably not enough. Every kid is different and needs a custom tailored approach. Our daughter is now 5 and causes us a ton of grief. Don't laugh because I see myself in your shoes 10 years from now. She insists on constantly challenging authority and pushing the bounds. I am still trying to come to grips on how to keep her in check. I'll close by saying that your number one priority should be to make sure SHE knows you love and support her, no matter what. Your love, and demonstration there of, will outlast any situations or mindsets. Best of luck to you.

[stomachmonkey]

I'm in exactly the same boat as David right now.

Try to create a home environment where she AND her friends perceive you and the wife as the place to go when they need an adult that can listen to their problems without being judgemental or preaching.

You need to gain their trust first otherwise you are nothing more than any other adult that "does not understand them".

Good luck, stay tough and supportive. You'll get through it.

Scott

[Overpaid Slacker]

Old enough to know better, and stupid enough to do it anyway! Does that run in your family?

I was a bit shocked when I read that you turned your daughter in to the police; I don't know that your relationship will recover from that maneuver. I don't mean to condemn your actions (I don't have kids and don't want 'em) but simply to say that I do not understand and can't empathize with them. So, to my mind, you've put yourself in a cul-de-sac.

how do you punish a 16 y/o without making them rebel even further and possibly doing something stupid out of spite?

Not this way; and you've taken a step that can't be taken back.

However, do whatever you can do -- really, whatever you can do -- to rectify the situation before this child leaves for college. Too often I saw girl friends of mine, whose parents put the clamps on them during high school, get to college and go nuts. Some of them were very bright girls too. Needless to say, there are boys out there who know enough to look for these powderkegs of frustration, rebellion and libido and try to enjoy the ride, so to speak.

As David said, this is a very idiosyncratic situation, and there are no universal panaceas that fix every situation. I'm loathe to offer platitudes and one-size-fits-all "Frazier" advice, other than as set forth above.

If this all transpired last week, you're going to need to allow her to cool off for a while before attempting to mend any fences. No matter what I screwed up as a kid I knew I'd be punished, but I also knew that my parents would stand with me against the rest of the world. She's got to feel betrayed and very lonely right now.

Good luck, and I hope what you have done turns out to be the right thing to have done.

JP

[PorscheGuy79]

I personally disagree with all of you. Calling the police seemed completely reasonable as a form of scare tactics. If you believe that using the police as a unquestionable authority figure would be much better than screaming her head off and getting no where. I would base this only if I knew she wasnt in trouble with the law allready (it wouldnt scare her as much) and I would have also had it staged. I would see if I could have the police seemingly bust her randomly to keep father daughter terms better.

After telling you that im only 20 years old you will question my ablity to answer this question but in turn I will have a better idea of how a younger person would handle it.

BTW something ive learned. You will no matter what hate your parents,at least one of them, the entire time you are a teenager. But the day I turned 20 I swear a light came on and I realised everthing my parents had told me, everything was 100% true.

[bryanthompson]

I agree with you, Matthew... Being 20 myself, this whole situation kindof blows my mind. It's just one of those things that I don't think would ever happen in my family, it's just out of the realm of possibility.

if this kind of thing had happened to me, and i was the one with the dope, I can tell you right now that I'd be sitting in Norton, Kansas in rehab. Don't know if the police would have been involved, but it would be likely.

[widebody911]

Wasn't she already 'rebelling' the minute she started doing weed?

There's no point in fighting with her, you can already see what she thinks of your 'authority'. Let the cops handle it, they're much better prepared to deal with it, and if she decides to get snooty and rebellious with them, the consequences are different. What she's doing is illegal. Trying to shield her from that aspect of it is legitimizing it in a small way. She can either play by your rules and live in the comfort of your home, or play it her way and spend a few nights with a 400lb bulldyke named Bertha.

To get back on her 'friends' list means you will be forced to 'understand' and 'accept' her transgressions. I'm a flaming liberal, but this is too much even for me.

Disclaimer: I've never done any illegal substances, never hung out with people who did, and I don't have teenagers.

[legion]

I had this happen to two friends in high school: nearly ten years later this is what their lives look like now:

One turned 18 his first semester in college. He blew his inheritence ($200,000) within that first on parties and drugs. He got kicked out of college after his first year. Last I heard, he is a full-time drug dealer hippie living in Montana.

One has had a series of minimum wage jobs. (I had counted him having had 35 jobs 8 years ago--at the age of 18.) He's been in and out of community college, although I can't say how many credits he actually has, if any. He's had two DUI's. Every few years, he makes an effort to "turn his life around". This lasts 6 months to a year before he's back in the same old patterns.

I can't speak for your situation, but in both of these the parents had enforced no discipline until they discovered them with some marijuana, then went straight to the police. They didn't take discipline from their parents seriously, even when it did involve the police. I remember the first guy mentioned above doing the weekly (or monthly--I can't remember) drug testing, and trying to make sure that his readings steadily increased. He actually started smoking more to accomplish this!

The bottom line for my two friends was that their parents didn't try to rein them in until they had already gotten out of hand.

[mikester]

It's pretty ballsy to go to the cops - clearly you're serious.

What is the history of your disciplining your daughter? Honestly I can't fault you for doing what you did and it seems like you did it in a thought out manner so that the consequences would not haunt her publicly for life but simply while she's a minor. The facts are - regardless of how anyone feels about pot - what she did was illegal and inappropriate for a highschool age teenager. You had every right to instill some consequences to her behavior - in fact - it's your obligation to do so as her parent.

As I asked earlier though - what is the history of discipline with the girl? Are you all of a sudden coming down hard or has she flaunted it historically? Do you and your wife present a unified front or is there tension between your opinions on punishment and consequences that your daughter can take advantage of?

Aren't the courts going to question your parenting as well? Shouldn't you be providing some sort of punishment at home first and foremost? THAT is where I would start - regardless of the legal consequences she has violated your trust in her in that you allow her to use a car and such. She should not have the priviledge any longer. Contrite as it may seem she should also no longer be allowed to watch TV and be officially grounded. No phone; no socializing as far as I would be concered I'd be happy to take her to the library to get her a book to read in her room - quietly. At least until her day in court is resolved. Just because the police are involved does not absolve you of your parental duties to instill upon her proper values and judgement. If I were the judge that would be the first thing I would ask: "What have you - the mother and father - done to punish her besides calling the police?"

Furthermore - more generally there are those that refer to having "control" over a child. Bear in mind I'm a young parent but looking back on my childhood I don't feel my parents had "control" over me at any time. I made my fair share of mistakes - some even involving the law but for the most part I made choices that I take (and still take) responsibility for based on what my parents taught me of right and wrong. The times I did wrong - I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway regardless of the consequences and no amount of fear (and I was quite afraid of my father at times) stopped me. I don't belive it's about control; I believe it is about instilling that ability to choose between right and wrong early on. Children will make mistakes and they should have consequences but control I don't believe is the issue.

[PorscheGuy79]

Originally posted by legion
I had this happen to two friends in high school: nearly ten years later this is what their lives look like now:
.

Again me being devils advocate:

Or she could turn out like my dad.

Got in trouble, used substances, got kicked out of the house on this 18th birthday...

cut to today

...is now making way way into 6 figures, has a flawless credit score, Vice President of a well know home builder, still married, provides generously for his two sons, indulges in safe hobbies like flying his airplane and wants to buy a 911 like his sons (note: that his son bought with his own money).


Weed doesnt destroy your life, weak morals and poor drive do.

On a personal minor note, Im 20 I drink and party with the best of them but I have yet to smoke weed.

[bryanthompson]

Weak morals and poor driving do also

[PorscheGuy79]

Originally posted by bryanthompson
Weak morals and poor driving do also

LOL

For me its more like Weak ability not to buy Porsche parts and spend money on DEs

I dont smoke pot cause I have a much more expensive addiction...

[widebody911]

Originally posted by PorscheGuy79
I dont smoke pot cause I have a much more expensive addiction...

No kidding! There's a quote somewhere that goes like "Racing makes heroin look like a mild craving for something salty"

[PorscheGuy79]

"Racing makes heroin addiction look like a vague wish for something salty" - Peter Egan

And that, my friends is going in the signiture...

[bryanthompson]

Do chicks get into DE's? I know there are a few, but maybe a solution to Wolf's problem would be to get a 914 for her, or get one and just let her take it to DE's and stuff. There's an addiction and rush that I think we could all be happy with She'd gain appreciation for driving, she'd have fun, and hopefully bond with her dad. Seriously, could this be going somewhere?

[amity914]

About 50 percent of my high school friends smoked weed. Some of those are now professionals and some are still slackers. Having her arrested was the WRONG move. You should have confronted her, layed down some rules and consecuences, like take her car from her for awhile. Get the police involved the second time, but give her a chance to straighten out first. Spend more time as a family unit, if she is left alone to do whatever, then she has a higher chance to reoffend. Get her involved in a youth church group, she would have less peer pressure there and might be able to make clean friends. Have her volunteer to take up some of her free time, and you may need to be by her side through all of this, but By having her arrested, you Just had your daughter labeled by law enforcement as a drug addict. Definetley the wrong move in my book.

HIEDI

[air-cool-me]

Well, last week I had the pleasure of discovering a small amount of marijuana in my 16 yr old daughters car...

i come from a pretty good part of the world and I'm going to tell you all that the use of illegal substances is a lot more common then most people think.


a "friend" used the controlled substance mentioned for a few years... 16-17. and i will tell you how to make your child stop.

1. get them involved in activity's that take up there time.. less time to hand with bad friends..

2. take away any money, make it clear that they wont even get 8$ to go to the movie's because you don't want them to spend it on pot.

3. never get angry, never involve authority's unless there at risk endangering themselves.. involving them too soon\flipping out will cause them to adopt a "whats the big ****ing deal? its just a little ___" attitude..

hopefully you would never have to worry about #3... but the biggest things is to separate them from there friends who do it. The trick is to not make it obvious.. just occupy there time with other activities and hopefully the bad influences fade away.


this is MHO based on what my "friend" went through...

but no-one here knows your daughter better then you do.. so do what you think best. Don't let the "armchair parents" get to you too much. good luck