A "Blues" Primer

rcecale · rcecale's Garage

HOW TO SING THE BLUES:

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really nderstood
the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3.The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4.The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5.Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft andstate-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6.Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or here in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8.A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9.You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10.Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11.Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12.No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14.Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15.If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16.If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17.Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18.Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19.Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20.Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21.And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.

Randy

IROC · IROC's Garage

I would suspect owning a Porsche also disqualifies anyone from singing the blues. Unless it's a 924!!! Hahaha...just kidding.

I was almost robbed in Memphis while at a gas station filling up my 911. I wonder if that counts? I get "blues bonus points" because I live in Alabama. The only reason that the state of Mississippi exists is so that Alabama won't be last in everything.

Let's see, I've managed to piss of 924 owners and everyone who lives in Mississippi in one post. I'll stop now...

Mike

masraum · 01-24-2006, 07:08 AM

that's good stuff.

targa911S · 01-24-2006, 07:34 AM

Oh I want a car that starts,
I really need nothin' more.
yeah I wants a car that starts,
I really need nothin' more.
But all I got this morning,
is a broke down 924.

(how'd I do?)

Jeff Higgins · 01-24-2006, 07:49 AM

And Katrina was God's way of providing more material. They had had it too good for too long.

oldE · 01-24-2006, 09:02 AM

You forgot "ridin' the bus"
As in: Well I'm ridin' the bus
Down the river to New Orleans
Yeah I'm ridin' the bus
Got no money in my jeans
All I got is this here blues
You know exactly what I mean

Thank you, Thank you very much

Les

VINMAN · 01-24-2006, 10:16 AM

Great stuff Randy!!

Just printed that and hung it on the wall!

targa911S · 12:25 PM

well I woke up this morning,
and had those 911 blues.
yeah I woke up this morning,
and I had the 911 blues,
some people think it's a VW,
and don't know what to do.

Well I know that it's Targa,
but people ask if it's a T-Top.
Yeah ya know that it's a Targa,
but peoples ask if it's T-top.
They're so dumb they make crazy,
and I wish they all would stop.

legion · 01-24-2006, 12:57 PM

Woke up this morning
Had those winter-storage blues
Well I woke up this morning
Had those winter-storage blues
Wanted to take her for a spin
But without a her battery, she just won't move

People talkin' 'bout her
Say I'm treating her wrong
Some people talkin' 'bout her
Say I'm treating her wrong
It makes me blue but she stays red
I cry all day and stay in bed
And just hum to myself, and sing this song

targa911S · 01-24-2006, 01:11 PM

Well we have 4 verses now. Should we write a bridge or will one of you take a solo?

tabs · 01-24-2006, 01:13 PM

I got a little red Porsche
So mean and cool
growls at me like I'm a fool
Ain't nothin like drivin her down the road
hittin a 110 like it aint nothin
hittin a 110 like it ain't nothin
I got alittle red Porsche
So mean an cool
growls at me like I'm a fool.

targa911S · 01-24-2006, 01:47 PM

Thanks for the bridge tabs. Harp solo anyone?

tabs · 01-24-2006, 02:18 PM

Woke up this morin snortin some coke
Youd think I was just some kinda fool on dope
But all I gotta say is Nope.
Mother says I got no hope
Woke up this morin snortin some coke
So CC lets run off an elope
before we hit the downward slope
Mother says I got no hope
Woke up this morin snortin some coke