How should I handle my college aged stepson in this situation? - Page 6

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

I can't even imagine my parents paying any kind of fine or ticket for me. If I was old enough to drive, I was old enough to pay for whatever I got into with my car. I wouldn't have even thought to ask my parents to pay this. They would have laughed.

stomachmonkey · 09-13-2007, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I can't even imagine my parents paying any kind of fine or ticket for me. If I was old enough to drive, I was old enough to pay for whatever I got into with my car. I wouldn't have even thought to ask my parents to pay this. They would have laughed.

Yup.

Dueller · 09-13-2007, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

OK...I decided to fuch with him a little bit. Keep in mind he doesn't know I know he dropped back to 12 hours. I sent the following email:

Just sitting around researching some law for a speech I have to give Thursday...

Your mom said you may be coming home this weekend...GREAT. Mom has to work Fri
and Sat night...but if you do get into town call me and we'll burn a few thick
steaks. Planning on any dove shoots this weekend?

How's school going? Caught up in History yet? Hang in there...you can do it...I
have complete confidence it'll work out fine. Besides, at 12 hours a semester
it'll take you 5+ yeats to graduate.

On a more somber note, I spoke with the court clerk on the two speeding tickets. If convicted it looks like fines totalling $432 and possible loss of license. Plus your insurance will go up at least $1200/year when they hit. The two Highway patrolmen know about the other's ticket and they're pissed. Let me know what you want to do.

Later.

jim

Ok ...here's the response I got:

Actually I already dropped the class. I figured the class I took this summer was a cushion.

On the tickets just what are my options?

Steaks sound great...I don't know if I'll be there Friday night or Sarurday. I'll call you as soon as I know.

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

Tell him to read the back of the ticket to see his options. I think I can recite them from memory by now.

scottmandue · 09-13-2007, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

...how 'bout this tact.

As to the parking tickets, just acknowledge them, recognize that college police can be a PITA, and say "hate it for ya...guess you have to cancel a weekend road trip to pay for them."

As to the two speeding tickets, give him directions to the courthouse and tell him they don't accept checks or credit cards...make sure you take cash. Since you don't want my counsel on your class schedule, guess you don't want it in legal matters.

As to the overly easy schedule, tell my wife do what you think is right but in my opinion he should make a 3.2 or better, I wouldn't give him money since he wouldn't take the w/s lifeguard position, so he must be flush, and insist on 15 hours next semester. But do what you want... I got your back.

Ditto on the greek thing.

Let dad and mamaw deal with as they wish.

I'm no expert but that sounds like you best coarse of action.

Funny, when I was a kid I wouldn't even tell my parents if I got a ticket out of embarrassment.

Noah930 · Noah930's Garage

Your (step)kid is smart enough to get into college. Point him to this thread and let him use his computer skills to read what a child most of us think he is.

Dropping classes behind parents' back: embarrassing.
Getting 3 parking tickets in rapid succession: embarrassing.
2 impressive speeding tickets within 13 minutes: ridiculously embarrassing--I wouldn't confess to my parents, either.
Going to other family members for cash (for pledging a fraternity/social life) when he's already got a little nest egg and generous allowance: embarrassing.

He needs to know that college is not a right; it's a privilege he shouldn't F-up. And it's in his best interests not to. Not your best interests, or his mom's/dad's/gramma's/etc. Same with the car. That's even more of a luxury item that no freshman (excepting unusual extenuating circumstances) needs.

tabs · 09-13-2007, 12:43 PM

Let me reiterate, I never took more than 12 hours per Quarter or Semester and GRADUATED in 3 1/2 years....guess how I did it? Bribery...noo....Extortion..yep I threatened to stick around for a long while...they wanted me OUT! Now maybe I coulda learned how to spell and use grammer properly if I had just done that 1/2 year more? NAW..you have to show up to get that learnin.

tabs · 12:53 PM

Dueller KEEP FKIN WITH THE SPONGES HEAD. I LUV IT!

Tell him that if he flunks outa college that a career in the miltary might be a good idea to consider. Service to ones country is honorable and if the worst happens to him you promise to go put flowers on his grave on Memorial day. Or maybe visit him in the Veterans Hospital at least on Veterans day, but youu will call to let him know for sure. That might make it clear to him that you are a bit upset with the way things are going for him.

Other than that you could tell him Walmart and Burger King always need help.
A Greeters job at Walmart isn't so bad, think of it a career at Walmart.

scottmandue · 09-13-2007, 12:54 PM

Have you considered fitting him with one of those electro shock dog collars?

tabs · 09-13-2007, 12:57 PM

Respect for religion must be reestablished. Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of public officials must be curtailed. Assistance to foreign lands must be stopped or we shall bankrupt ourselves. The people should be forced to work and not depend on government for subsistence." - Cicero, 60 B.C.

WOW, you know what happened to Rome 15 years later..Julius Caesar took over and it was the Roman Empire from then on end.

williecoyote · 09-13-2007, 01:00 PM

As the father of a college sophomore, I have been following this with interest. Some people are jumping to the conclusion that this young man is bombing out. You said that he was a good student in H.S., So why wouldn't he be a good student here? Maybe he wants to continue to do well in school, and is being cautious by not overloading himself until he learns the ropes. His grades will tell that tale.
As far as the tickets go, he made some bad decisions, such as where to park, and how fast to drive. Eighteen year olds are not always known for making the best decisions, but if he learns from his mistakes, these can be life lessons. Like my Dad told me, "You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out of this." If he asks for your advice, by all means give it. This is all part of growing up.
As mentioned earlier, you would much rather have him in school, than hanging around home while all his friends are in school. The school knows which people will succeed, and which ones won't. That is part of the admissions process.
I say give him a chance to hang himself first before you come down on him too hard.
Concerning Dad, and Grandma's generosity, more power to the boy. They probably aren't doing him any favors, but they are lightening the load on your wife, and yourself.
Support his decisions, advise him when asked, but the next four years are about molding his future. Stand behind him, and let him know that you love him. He knows right from wrong.
Let the "sponge" spread his wings a little bit.

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Some people treat college as an "extended adolescence" and that sounds like what's happening here. Make the kid pay 100% of his college costs and he'll get serious or drop out...

Dueller · 09-13-2007, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by williecoyote

As the father of a college sophomore, I have been following this with interest. Some people are jumping to the conclusion that this young man is bombing out. You said that he was a good student in H.S., So why wouldn't he be a good student here? Maybe he wants to continue to do well in school, and is being cautious by not overloading himself until he learns the ropes. His grades will tell that tale.
As far as the tickets go, he made some bad decisions, such as where to park, and how fast to drive. Eighteen year olds are not always known for making the best decisions, but if he learns from his mistakes, these can be life lessons. Like my Dad told me, "You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out of this." If he asks for your advice, by all means give it. This is all part of growing up.
As mentioned earlier, you would much rather have him in school, than hanging around home while all his friends are in school. The school knows which people will succeed, and which ones won't. That is part of the admissions process.
I say give him a chance to hang himself first before you come down on him too hard.
Concerning Dad, and Grandma's generosity, more power to the boy. They probably aren't doing him any favors, but they are lightening the load on your wife, and yourself.
Support his decisions, advise him when asked, but the next four years are about molding his future. Stand behind him, and let him know that you love him. He knows right from wrong.
Let the "sponge" spread his wings a little bit.

Wylie...I said on the first page he was lackluster his senior year. He took the lightest of loads and dropped off the varsity tennis team. He was sttraightforward with us; we discussed both sides of his decision, let him know we disagreed but being convinced he had considered both sides we would support his decsion whichever way he went with one condition: that if he decided to quit tennis and take a light load he would need to get a parttime job (one of his reasons to quit tennis). One day after making his decision he had a job starting the next day.

When we came home the day he was supposed to start his job, he was at home. We asked weren't you supposed to start your new job his response was "Oh I talked to dad and he said he didn't want me to work and to concentrate on school...he said he'd send me money wwhen I needed it."

Ahhhh....OK.

Result? He barely passed his senior courses and had lots of fun.

We had committed to his first year of college letting him decide where he wanted to go. We discussed him going to juco but wanted him to move into his own apartment so he wou;ld get a taste of independence. That was his plan til the middle of summer when he changed his mind and decided to go to university. We made it very clear: Full load (15 hrs; 2 semesters to prove he was serious about school; minimum GPA, etc).

We're going to give him the chance to succeed. No he hasn't bombed out yet but we are seeing a continuation of the attitude that he should be able to coast, have fun and pay little attention to the academics.

Anyways time will tell. We are going to have a little "come to Jesus" meeting about his unilateral decisions that are in conflict with our original deal this weekend.

SO...fill me in on your experiences with your sophomore.

tabs · 09-14-2007, 12:16 AM

UMMM. to be a bit serious..Going from home to being on your own is a big shock to the system. Now U have total freedom to do what you want when you want without parental controls. So the "sponge" doesn't know his own limits and hes running free. Hopefully he will settle down.

He is a cunning little fk who knows how to play everyone against each other. He knows yur weaknesses like the back of his hand. There in lies the problem in your family Mom, Dad and Granny are not on the same page and the conflicts between the different factions are being used to the sponges advantage. Until that stops he is going to be manipulative. He has the makings of a great con man, thats what he is going to turn out to be glib, suave and full of *****.

Dueller your really hung up on the 15 hours and minimum GPA thing. Remember the old axiom that he who tries to defend everything defends nothing. If he does 12 hrs and gets a 2.5 GPA in his first coupla semesters so what, FOR NOW. It is a shock to go from HS to the big U., a whole different game is being played at the U and it takes some time to learn it. Lets just see him survive to begin with. So Dueller don't be so anal...now if he goes to 6 hours and or flunks out then you can start to yell, what the fk are you doing, what the fk are we paying for..you littlle fk... All U really want from him is that piece of paper that says BA or BS..in 4 years, and maybe enough of GPA so he can go get a piled higher and deeper piece of paper.

Now as far as the speeding tickets..hehehe...now thats something to be unhinged about...I would yank that car so fast from him it would make his head spin (Cause not only was he stupid but irresponsible)..and tell Dad and Granny that unless they get on the same page they are going to be paying the whole tilt for juniors ed. That oughta wake them up. And tell them that if he does flunk out he ain't come back home to live, maybe he could go live with Grams and Dad instead. Maybe they would like him better....

Somewhere in here I think Mother took over my keyboard...

Noah930 · Noah930's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by williecoyote

His grades will tell that tale.

Yes, but his actions (secretly dropping classes, telling half-truths re: finances, 5 (!) tickets, etc.) suggest that he might not be mature enough for the responsibility level (or lack thereof, if you're cynical) that college presents. And I'm not even including how he skated through senior year of HS.

KFC911 · 09-14-2007, 08:42 AM

He's having the time of his life partying his a$$ off...college = "summer camp". BTDT but I still made great grades...they are not mutually exclusive if you have your priorities in order. He doesn't...

Dueller · 09-14-2007, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Noah930

Yes, but his actions (secretly dropping classes, telling half-truths re: finances, 5 (!) tickets, etc.) suggest that he might not be mature enough for the responsibility level (or lack thereof, if you're cynical) that college presents. And I'm not even including how he skated through senior year of HS.

Noah...you hit the nail on the head. Keep in mind this is my stepson. Any of you who have stepchildren know how mom's get real protective of their brood when you volunteer input they consider to be unfair criticism. But in this case mom has asked for my advice.

As to the tickets, he made his bed and he'll have to suffer the consequences and pay them himself.

My most troubling observation is the fact that he dropped a class ostensibly because he was behind and using the "I don't wanna mess up my GPA" excuse. In reality, he just didn't want to do what it would take to catch up. C'mon...he missed the first 3 or 4 classes. It wasn't like he had struggled with it for half a semester and couldn't salvage a decent grade. He just flat out gave up without any effort whatsoever. He had until mid October to drop it with no impact on his GPA. He acknowleged that when he first asked me about dropping it.

And for those of you that think 12 hours is enough of a load, consider this: He's not working, all his basic living and school related expenses have been paid by mom and dad, He's in class 1 hr 40 minutes on MWF and 2 hrs 40 minutes on TTH. A grand total of 10 hrs and 20 minutes per week.

Despite his personal commitment to put forth effort in college, its apparent he's repeating his senior year of High School.

KFC911 · 09-14-2007, 09:03 AM

12 hours of freshman courses is a "PARTY" waiting to happen

edited: ps: He isn't waiting...

Dueller · 09-14-2007, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KC911

12 hours of freshman courses is a "PARTY" waiting to happen

edited: ps: He isn't waiting...

No chit. You know, I don't know why I even get involved other than to try to help my wife deal with it. None of the players (mamaw, dad, mom, stepmom) have ever completed college. I have 2 undergrad degrees completed in a little over 3 years, an MPA (1 year) and a JD (2 years). I know his little game and his wings need to be clipped ASAP.

All I can do at this point is let him know I know he's playing everybody, wait for his grades and deal with it then.

scottmandue · 09-14-2007, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tabs

He is a cunning little fk who knows how to play everyone against each other. He knows yur weaknesses like the back of his hand. There in lies the problem in your family Mom, Dad and Granny are not on the same page and the conflicts between the different factions are being used to the sponges advantage. Until that stops he is going to be manipulative. He has the makings of a great con man, thats what he is going to turn out to be glib, suave and full of *****.

On this alone he may go very far in the business world!