How should I handle my college aged stepson in this situation?

[tabs]

Originally Posted by Dueller

On a serious note, Tabby. ..assuming your assessment is correct, what's the solution? Please give me your sage advice on the boy?

Largely it is not up to the parents. If he flunks out, he has to get a job or join the military. Cut the umbilical cord of the money, that will sober him up once he realizes that the soft touch is gone for good.

I had a classmate that I knew from Kindegarten on. Bright guy never had to study anything up through HS and into college. However once he moved away from home he found Marjunia and would spend hours staring at a coat hanger. Well he flunked out and joined the military. While stationed in Germany he got into rebuilding Porsche motors, to this day he has a 70 911S in his garage.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by tabs

Largely it is not up to the parents. If he flunks out, he has to get a job or join the military. Cut the umbilical cord of the money, that will sober him up once he realizes that the soft touch is gone for good.

There's the rub...if we cut him off, its likely that grandmother or newly rich daddy/stepmom will continue to fund him to his detriment. For example he called his mother and asked for her credit card # to register foir rush. She said "Not only 'no' but HELL NO...we told you that was your responsibility. We've paid what we're going to pay for this semester." Keep in mind he has his own debit card so he could have used that.

So he said "Well I guess I calle Mamaw since dad said he wasn't going to pay frat expenses either." We talked to the grandmother later and she says "Yeah I gave him my credit card for the fees." This was a bald face lie as we saw that dad's credit card was used by an email confirmation.

Soooo, that's what we're dealing with. I suppose all we can do is make our decisions, stick by our rules, control what we can and let him deal with his father's side of the family.

I guess on an immediate note we let him know our displeasure with dropping his schedule, and reserve a final decision on continued financial support depending on his future performance.

[mattdavis11]

Dueller, come to think of it, you ought to give him the green light to drop it down to 3 hours and a 2.0. You'll get some of the money back if you do this quickly!!

[gprsh924]

I think that is the smart decision.

And legion, that is amazing that you lived on $400 freshman year. I spent about $1500. Pretty much all of that was on going out and having a good time. The bars in Oxford, OH are 18 and over to get in (still 21 and over to drink) and that comes with hefty cover charges and $4 beers and $5 and up drinks. It was fun though, and thats why I work hard in the summer

[onewhippedpuppy]

Dueller, what's the point of setting rules or guidelines if you don't stick to them? Also, you act as if you have no power in this situation, thanks to his father and grandmother. You write checks, you have power, pure and simple. He broke his end of the deal, you can't just let it slide. I'm not suggesting that you cut off the tuition (yet), but cut off his "allowance". If he's in 12 hours, especially freshman business classes, he can find a job to support his BS. The sooner he finds out what life is really like, the more motivation he will have to finish school.

For perspective, I am 27 and a senior majoring in Aerospace Engineering, minor in Business Management and Math. I am in 15 credit hours, work 40 hours/wk between two jobs, and am married with two kids. I went straght to college from high school, thinking it would be an absolute breeze. Three semesters and a sub-2.0 GPA later, they politely asked me to leave. A year later I returned, did well for two semesters, then decided that school wasn't my thing. I returned after four years of dead-end jobs because I finally realized the value of school.

This is a lesson your son may have to learn before he becomes motivated, and a bit of suffering is the only way to do so. Knowing how badly the non-degreed work world sucks is great motivation to kick ass in college. Also, advise him to get the hell out of general Business Management. Unless he WANTS to be an assistant manager at Target, making $25k per year. Several friends of mine coasted their way through school majoring in business, now they're all considering some additional education so they can actually make a living.

[mattdavis11]

$400, whoa! New definition of dry cleaning? As in fabric softener only, dirty clothes straight into the dryer? $1500? You guys are/were thrifty.

[Dueller]

OWP...so you really ARE a rocket scientist. Ican't remember where I saw it...maybe a amateur m'cycle race tean and their crew of aeropspace engineers read "yes, in facr we are rocket scientists.'

We're not backsliding on the rules we imposed...just trying to figure out the punishment/response to a situation we didn't anticipate. We've already paid for this semester so to yank him out now accomplishes nothing. He's made his own spending money and he was pressing the issue asking mom for frat registration fees..she's a tough broad. She made it clear that she would make any sacrifice to give him a shot, she wanted him to enjoy college but she wasn't going fund a party. Seems like he missed part of that message.

So let's say we raise ten tons of hell and reserve punishment and he comes out with a 4.0 albeit with only 12 hours. What do you do? Make him take 18 hrs next semester? Make him refund our tuition for the 3 hours he dropped? There's the dilemma.

[1fastredsc]

Originally Posted by legion

I was a business major. There were a lot of goof-offs--a lot of kids who were happy to get their "C" as long class time didn't cut into drinking time. I found that the more serious students were typically finance, accounting, or BIS (computer programming) majors. The less serious were typically business administration, international business, and marketing majors.

Sorry dude didn't want to step on your toes. If anything the bright side is that business majors with master's and phd's in the right fields are the ones running the companys i'll hope to work for when i'm done. I think there is more potential for making money in business majors, where engineering is more for the ones who enjoy torture . Plus i hear that engineering is the next profession to possibly get thrown under the "outsourcing" bus from some of my professors. Apparently there are high degreed engineers and physicists in india willing to do our jobs for 10-15 dollars an hour.

Anyhow back on topic, I think your in a tough situation with this kid. Until maybe he starts to understand the concept of what is good for him isn't necessarily what his impulse wants to do, then he'll keep undermining you by going to his father/grandmother. I think you should trust your instinct, it sounds like you know what should be done, it's the how to get it done around these obstacles your encountering that may be a problem. I just hope that grandmaw and papaw doesn't end up supporting any mistakes he might be making.

[Dixie]

Remember it's your stepson. Resist the testosterone urge to "fix" it. Just say this, "Gee dear, I don't know. What do you suggest?"

It's the best advice you've gotten from this thread.

[Dueller]

So true Capt...although I'm not personally funding this venture, my wife is. Plus, the kid really seeks me out for advice and guidance probably because I rarelyu give it undolicited and try to let him make his own decisons and mistakes. Finally his mom and even paternal grandmother look to me for guidance on college issues.

Anyways I tried the what fo you think, boney and she really wabts me to weigh in on yhis particulat issue.

[Dueller]

...how 'bout this tact.

As to the parking tickets, just acknowlege them, recognize that college police can be a PITA, and say "hate it for ya...guess you have to cancel a weekend road trip to pay for them."

As to the two speeding tickets, give him directions to the courthouse and tell him they don't accept checks or credit cards...make sure you take cash. Since you don't want my counsel on your class schedule, guess you don't want it in legal matters.

As to the overly easy schedule, tell my wife do what you think is right but in my opinion he should make a 3.2 or better, I wouldn't give him money since he wouldn't take the w/s lifegiard position, so he must be flush, and insisit on 15 hours next semester. But do what you want... I got your back.

Ditto on the greek thing.

Let dad and mamaw deal with as they wish.

[mattdavis11]

I'm sure a refund was doled out for the hours dropped, no? Where is it?

I'm failing to see something with the car issue and campus. IIRC freshmen have to live on campus unless a relative lives in town, right? Did they move part of the school across HWY 6? What dorm does he live in? Martin/Stockard?

The parking deal he needs to figure out, it's not that complicated. He pays for those mistakes. The speeding tickets same deal. Time to grow up. Tis life.

[Dueller]

No refund..same price whether you take 12 or 20 hrs. There are small refunds if you dropped below 12 hours by 9/4. Under 12 hrs is billed at $203/hr.

Lives in stockard...which for all practical puposes is coed now as the girls from Matin tower come and go freely to the men's tower....I think its only restricted access between 230 a.m and 730 a.m.

[gprsh924]

How far away is he from home?

A car isn't really "necessary" to have on campus, but it is nice especially if you are far from home. I am 5+ hours myself and it makes getting back and forth much easier. That being said, I didn't really have a car last year.

[legion]

Originally Posted by 1fastredsc

Sorry dude didn't want to step on your toes. If anything the bright side is that business majors with master's and phd's in the right fields are the ones running the companys i'll hope to work for when i'm done. I think there is more potential for making money in business majors, where engineering is more for the ones who enjoy torture . Plus i hear that engineering is the next profession to possibly get thrown under the "outsourcing" bus from some of my professors. Apparently there are high degreed engineers and physicists in india willing to do our jobs for 10-15 dollars an hour.

No offense taken. I would also argue that engineers who start successful companies are the ones who end up filthy rich...

As someone who often spends a significant amount of time rewriting stuff that has been sent offshore, I can tell you that it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Incidentally, I have the same problem with stuff that is written by onshore vendors. The simple truth is that someone who doesn't work for you doesn't have a vested interest in your success. They don't know your business like you do, and their goal is to finish quickly--not necessarily to get it right.

[onewhippedpuppy]

There's only so much that can be outsourced, pure and simple. Especially in the aerospace industry. Plus, I plan on getting an MBA, so it will be the best of both worlds. For the record, a bachelors in business management is nothing like an MBA. Anyone with a business management degree should plan on an MBA if they want a decent salary.

Dueller, for what it's worth, I was thinking more of an inconvenience punishment. Leave the school alone, the last thing you want is for him to drop out. Cut the allowance, so maybe he'll feel the pinch a bit. While you have to stand by your word, if he gets through 12 hours with good grades in his first semester of college, he's doing pretty well. While the social activities aren't immediately useful, if he moves into leadership positions in said clubs it looks great on a resume.

[Evans, Marv]

I'd agree with Shaun when he says college isn't for everyone. As a former educator, I considered the system's attempts to shove everyone into college (or university ?) just another liberal idea (not meaning to attempt to turn this thing political) that just left the kids not suited for that type of environment, discipline, and interest out in the cold. There are other great things to do in the world besides "go to college." Also a stint in the service does wonders for some kids, plus it will help them save for "college."

[tabs]

Well maybe this is just a phase hes going through, the freedom thing. Maybe he will settle down once he sees that his grades are for *****.

U really have no control or say, he can go to granny or daddy or mommy and get money...play one against the other. The only thing U control is your own money. If he doesn't perform to the standards agreed upon terminate your support and hope for the best.

Until all parties that are providing support are on the same page there isn't much that can do done...

Looks like another sponge has been hatched.

[Dueller]

[QUOTE=tabs;3476422]Looks like another sponge has been hatched.[/Quote ]

LOL...Tabs for all your pontificating, sometimes you hit the nail on the head. Mind if I use that analogy?

Since I have no spawn of my own, I really do take my influence on these kids seriously...perhaps too much so. Independent of my wife, I really do get so much more than I give from these urchins.

All 3 of them are wonderful people. They have so much potential given what they have been through in their short lives. Sorry if I come here all handwringing and what. Perhaps I should care less, but that is not my nature.

Wife has a game plan I'm on board with...she's the most stable influence they have had and they truly respect her. This, too, shall pass.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Oh, I forgot to add, make him clean up the mess with his tickets on his own. He's an adult now, this is HIS problem. Just so long as he is paying his soon to be inflated insurance. Kids do stupid stuff, God knows I did. Just make sure he learns from it.