So what is a fitting punishment for stepdtr whose grades plummetted?
 

One of my twins' grades dropped drastically this 9 weeks...from all A's and a B or two to four C's in her main classes: Eng, Hist, Algebra and Bio. She is in advanced placement classes, and plays varsity tennis and volley ball. Works parttime after school. She not a disciplinary problem at all; abides by curfews, etc. She is very busy but the problem clearly seems to be spending too much time with her boyfriend. As in all her free time.

She feels badly but I think it warrants some type of punishment. She just turned 17. What say you dads out there?

Punishment? Wow! While I was rewarded for good grades, I was never punished for bad ones. My parents were disappointed, but jeez. Is she in 11th grade? Her punishment will reveal itself when she applies to the various colleges next school year. It looks like her schedule is rather full at the moment.

Ultimately, it's your family, but, I'm glad you're not my dad! I hope everything works out on both sides.

Dave

You, trust "US" with dishing out disciplinary advice??? Make her change the oil and filter, and wash and wax the car... Seriously, I can't make any type of recommendations on this subject. Maybe loose the BF for a while???? Who knows?????

All advanced placement classes? Two extra curricular activitites plus a job? And you want to punish her for getting C's? Causes no problems at all - abides by curfews, etc?

Punishing her would be kinda like kicking a tired dog for not wagging his tail enough.

Your daughter doesn't need punishment. She needs time management and a break. At her age, heck at any age, a boyfriend is really important. This girl's life sounds spread awfully thin. Throw punishment on it and I think this will go downhill really fast.

Have her drop the job or at least one of the extra curricular activities. Show her how to manage her time to use that "space" for study time. That will still give her time with the boyfriend, time for school and something after school. Maybe even time for her Dad.

You don't have much time before she leaves for school and then leaves forever. Don't screw up now.
angela

Yeah, Dave..I'm torn. We give both of the girls a lot of freedom. Thus far they've made good choices (as far as we know;)). We have observed the inordinate amount of time she has been spending preoccupied with bf. We discussed it and she assured us she had everything under control as far as her school work. She essentially bombed her mid term exams.

Angela...yes, we understand the importance of the bf. OTOH, she has been able to manage her time well until recently when she would blow off time normally spent studying to do stuff with him. We asked and were reassured she had everything under control.

Tony...lose the bf annd they become allies:D

Where is Tim Hancock when I need him?;)

Maybe it's time you had "that" talk with her. :D

"That" talk was had a year and a half ago.:eek:

I guess I just need to sit down and ask "WTF happened?" And go from there.

Make her carry a baby seat in the back of her car for a month....

BTDT (though not quite as bad 4 C's). Soccer took up about 30-40 hours a week when I was in high school, but my parents still more or less expected straight A's (or very close to) in my mix of AP and honors courses. When I did not come through, as happened semi-often, I would get grounded. Not so much "You can't go out Friday night" but moreso if I was hoping to do something bigger or I wanted something big, I would not be able to do that thing until I rectified the situation. When I stumbled first semester of college, I was told that I would be paying for the rest of it if I did not turn it around. I turned it around.

So you kept your grades up and avoided a boyfriend diet? ;)

I would say the party line is "something has to go." The proof is in the pudding - grades are down. Assuming she isn't doing drugs (that was why mine went down in HS), it is time management. I'd say you sit down with her and have her suggest what she's going to give up in order to bring the grades up.

As far as the bf, we've noticed a slight change in attitude. As in she's beginning to adopt some of his characteristics. He's basicaly a pleasant kid, polite and they get along really well. No fighting or histrionics...they're very sweet to each other.

However, he is an only child whose father died when he was four. His family is fairly well to do. He has a new 4wd truck, a year old Yukon, a pair of jet skis, a pontoon boat, a ski boat, etc. Mother installed a huge swimming pool/hot tub at his urging. He is 18 y.o. and has never worked...doesn't have to. He's kinda shy and was an outstanding soccer player until he got bored with it. He's a senior at her school but only goes half days and is a mediocre student. He's coasting. Plans are to go to JUCO for a few years and just hang out. He has a very small circle of friends who are hangers on's who take advantage of his boats at the lake all day every Saturday and Sunday weather permitting. In short, he a slug. A rich slug, but a slug just the same. He has very little ambition because he apparently will never have to work.

Our kids, OTOH, are worker bees thanks to their mom's example...always have been. They never ask us for a dime. The find jobs on their own, drive older cars they've help pay for, work for their spending money, car insurance, gas etc. They are very active and busy. The girls have never had any problems with making good grades.

I fear that this stepdtr has taken the attitude that they're going to be together forever (they've been dating a year) and she can just ride on his coattails. We've emphasized that she owes it to herself to achieve things on her own, but I think she feels that is such a waste of effort when she has a sugar daddy in her future.

Focus on this with her. Instill in her, that he will not be in the rest of her life - statistically speaking...

Damn, I'm not even a dad!

Oh we've had that talk...not in a hostile or judgmental way. And she quotes to me that less than 4% of high school sweethearts marry and fewer than 2% stay together. But all her friends know they'll be in that 2%.

Yeah. Right. And I say well don't you think you might prepare yourself in the off chance that you're not in that 2%? Blank stare of disbelief.

But whaddya do?:confused:

On a serious note, I wish you (stepdtr too) the best of luck!

Maybe your should force her to read some of the OT threads? ;)

She is a big girl now. She needs support, not punishment. She needs to understand the consequences of her grades in terms of future possibilities AND she needs to fully understand your motives for urging her to pick up the study pace.

Guidance - not punishment.

+1 for livi. she certainly doesn't deserve punishment.

+10,000

Talk to her. Make her understand that top grades are important and should be the top priority.

Since she's not acheiving them as she used to try and make her understand that she needs to spend more time on that.

If this means curbing some other activities make her decide. Do not take away the bf as a unilateral decision. It could backfire, and from what I have read here she seems to be a very judicious and responsible young woman.

Dueller, I have no answer. I am VERY fortunate that both of my daughters have gotten nearly straight A's thru high school, but they both have had the same boyfriend for too long. Fortunately both boyfriends are freshmen attending college a couple hours drive away. Neither of my girls are into parties and keep their noses clean, but I feel they are wasting some of the best years of their lives by sticking with their same boyfriends from highschool. My oldest is a freshman in college and my youngest is a senoir in highschool. My role as stepdad has been slowly loosing power and influence.

I guess I should be thankful that they do not party and keep their grades up, but I also wish they liked to have maybe just a "bit" more fun. Too bad we can't get them together and have them end up somewhere in the middle.

She needs help from you not punishment.

Also be very careful re the BF. Do not alienate her over him.

Do not make him the "problem".

The problem is her time management.

Yep. She needs her grades in order to go anywhere in this world. Time for something else (or a couple of "somethings") to be cut, at least until the grades improve. Maybe something like "no honor roll, you only get one extracurricular activity and ONE night out a week". . .

Success is EARNED - at least for those of us not born with a trust fund. This needs to be reinforced with her. Her spoiled brat BF is clearly distorting her view of reality.

Not a parent...so take my .02 with a BIG ole grain of salt :). Your daughters (and son) sound as if they really have their acts together compared to many teens these days. I agree with POP (and I'm sure you know this already). As has been mentioned, make damn sure he's not also exposing her to drugs, etc. Even for those of us who've "been around the block", teens are great at hiding what they don't want parents to know about. BTW, is this the same daughter who was "friends" with the guy several years older some time back (not that it matters...just curious)? Good luck!

I agree on the no punishment, but better time management. Something has go to go. Let her make the choice. Fortunately, if she really is a worker bee, she won't be able to stand lazy people for too long.

I've got an related question...why do some parent's seem to tie SO much emphasis into making good grades as if that is a sign of being "OK"? Bear with me on this one... I'm not talking about Dueller's situation where the grades drop suddenly...a big warning sign. I'm talking about assuming everything is going OK because a kid is making good grades. I was much like Wayne's situation...as long as I made "A"s...I was fulfilling my end of the "contract" with my parents, and no questions were asked. Here's the rub...with the school systems so "dumbed down", it isn't hard for someone gifted to make the honor roll (with almost no effort imo) leaving LOTS of time for other "extracurricular" activities. Some of the biggest party animals I knew in my youth (myself included) were also the best students... fortunately, most of us grew up after college :).

Nowadays it's ALL about the grades. That's about the only thing that matters when you get out of school. Well, that and a pedigree, which grades can help get you to. Those (for 99% of us) will be the only things to our names when we get out of school (well, that and $100k of student loan debt).

Yes, there's too much emphasis on grades today, but the "good" schools also turn away valedictorians every day. That's what you're competing against. Either play the game or don't.

water board her

Lot going on with kids, gotta look at why the grades have dropped.

When I was in HS, there was this loner kid who got decent grades, did not have a lot of friends, ended up eating a bullet, never did get why he did it. Be glad you got a heads up that something is going on with the grades.

If you think it's a time management thing, I'd simply lay it on the line. Some mild restrictions now, with the understanding that if the grades aren't back next report, the extracirriculars (ie boyfriend, volleyball) will start going away so she can focus on schoolwork.

Rather than ground her since you say she's a pretty good kid, for NOW, I would just insist that she devote x amount of time per day for homework...

WHat's the BF like?

POP, I'm not questioning the value of making good grades, that's a given. I'm referring to parents who assume everything is going fine with their kid because they ARE making "good grades". IMO, that's a potentially huge mistake for a parent to make...if a kid is in say the top 5 percentile in terms of scholastic ability (which is NOT an indication of being "smart" imo), then making "A"s is almost pathetically easy in our "dumbed down" educational system.

that 80's ascii pr0n was a heck of a motivator, eh?

You in the market? ;)

With two young daughters I have all sorts of 'what to do when' scenarios running a background process in my head for future reference. I'd go with the time management angle. Unless he's abusive and this is some sort of call for help (I dont get that impression), its not his fault.

send her over,along with a cheque for 10K Euro's
that'll take care of the first 3 months

Tough question.

Say hello to a 2%'er.

Anyway, I think you need to discuss what the priorities are. Those priorities should be mutually agreed upon. Once she agrees and acknowledges what those priorities are, then you have a basis from which you can make future decisions.

When I was a kid, grades were first, anything else was secondary. Good grades, no problems with doing anything else. Not so good grade, then things got taken away. With your daughter being 17, things are trickier. It's hard to take things away. She may be expecting you to pay for certain things, like college or a car. You could put guidelines around that based upon her grades.

She's basically an adult and hopefully will listen to reason. She also seems like a pretty good kid. I hope it works out for the best.

Also, we're going to need to see some pic's. :)

Hey, someone had to say it.

WOW...thanks for all your responses. A few coomon issues brought up:

Drugs: nope. She's very much anti-drug. Besides as an athlete her school does random testing on a monthly basis. She's been clean every test for the past 2 years. Not a big drinker, either. The occasional beer when out with bf (she's usually the DD). A glass of wine with dinner every once in a while.

The reason this is problematical ius that we saw it coming last year and discussed it vis a vis so much time with bf with reassurances she was working the keep the grades up.

And yeah...at 17 she's very mature in many ways. Tough to know whether to punish her or sit down and have a discussion on consequences..

That would be my reaction as well. Punishment is not going to work but she needs to realize that continuing like this will hurt her for the rest of her life.

OK...Beauty and the slug:



http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1206546641.jpg

Excellent news on the first part! You know, your son had a "wake up" call awhile back and got his act together at college...I'm betting your daughter will do the same thing with a little more encouragement. I agree that grades are important (but NOT everything), and she seems too "on the ball" for punishment at this stage and her age.

Oh...and I forgot to mention she was selected most beautiful in her class.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1206549546.jpg

Her twin, could care less!

Keep that shotgun loaded is all I can add :) That's funny about her "identical" twin!