Only Real Men Need Apply

Jeff Higgins · 12-09-2008, 08:34 AM

To purchase this Nissan Xterra, that is.

http://www.mydogscrap.com/ninjahauler.cfm

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

gprsh924 · 12-09-2008, 08:38 AM

Saw that ad over on my xterra forum last week. Sums up my feelings for it pretty well. Since I can't afford to offroad it any more (potential damage/wear and tear is too expensive), I have to content myself to hopping curbs or making other similar shortcuts in parking lots and things of that nature. I feel it is my duty when I drive it to at least attempt to use it properly.

pwd72s · 12-09-2008, 08:39 AM

HOOT! Damn well written...sure didn't make me pick up the phone tho...

Jim Richards · 12-09-2008, 08:45 AM

I need those MC Hammer pants!

URY914 · URY914's Garage

I'm applying.

kach22i · kach22i's Garage

Good laugh.

equality72521 · 12-09-2008, 08:58 AM

I'm assuming you saw the URL? http://www.mydogscrap.com/ninjahauler.cfm for a Craigslist ad???

craigster59 · craigster59's Garage

".....That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore."

Good stuff.

onewhippedpuppy · 12-09-2008, 09:11 AM

Awesome. Attaching a pic of the MC Hammer pants is a nice touch.

gprsh924 · 12-09-2008, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by equality72521

I'm assuming you saw the URL? http://www.mydogscrap.com/ninjahauler.cfm for a Craigslist ad???

It was a real craigslist ad that eventually went away on the original site and got copied to other places, such as that url.

equality72521 · 12-09-2008, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gprsh924

It was a real craigslist ad that eventually went away on the original site and got copied to other places, such as that url.

I see.

rammstein · 12-09-2008, 10:21 AM

That made me kind of want an Xterra.

Shaun @ Tru6 · 12-09-2008, 10:35 AM

Pfft. It's got dainty running boards to help you get in, and bumpers. real trucks don't have bumpers. he's overcompensating.

equality72521 · 12-09-2008, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gprsh924

It was a real craigslist ad that eventually went away on the original site and got copied to other places, such as that url.

If I would known I would have saved the page from this:

berettafan · 12-09-2008, 10:51 AM

zubaz, like a crockpot for your pork!

Pazuzu · 12-09-2008, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaun 84 Targa

Pfft. It's got dainty running boards to help you get in, and bumpers. real trucks don't have bumpers. he's overcompensating.

Pfft. It's got dainty doors to keep you in and intact body panels. Real trucks don't have dainty doors and intact body panels. You're overcompensating.

Shaun @ Tru6 · 12-09-2008, 12:31 PM

LOL!