What are you and your spouse/SO's arguing style?

[Sapporo Guy]

Thanks Rob
It's good to be back

???? what's up with the poof ????
I hope that it's a good one though ....

What's up with this A/B/C stuff ? gotta link?
Is there some kind of interpretation guide for A's to talk to B's and such?

[911Rob]

Ah Due, he's a lawyer. Deliberates until decision time, then POOF onto next case. Ha, ha.
I think he figured out most of his problems with his wife were self induced?

Personality Tree is a good book. Type personalities defined in many different ways.
A, B, C and D types. Opposites attract, etc.
A- Lion; Choleric: Leader, bossy, stubborn
B- Beaver, Melancholy: Neat, organised, manager
C - Golden Retriever, ?can't remember the tech term; I think its Pragmatic?: People pleaser
D - Otter; Sanguin: Have fun, funny, joking, enjoy life, center of attention
From the top of my head buddy.....

That probably rings a bell for ya?

[911Rob]

Here's a link that explains the A,B,C,D types.

LINK

[911Rob]

Ha, ha; I gotta laugh when I read this stuff; it's so me!

The "A" personality is usually very independent, direct and to the point. They will probably tell you to "get to the bottom line" or give them the "executive summary" to read. They don't like routine and often delegate routine chores to someone else.

I remember the first time I learned this; I thought, that sucks:

and are almost always relatively insensitive to others that might be around them.

"A" type personalities are often found as business owners, managers, sales people (especially straight commission), or any position requiring a very "direct" person that typically "takes charge" and forges ahead. They are very decisive and persistent in getting what they want and need.

I'm text book type A, always have been

[911Rob]

The "B" type loves to party, travel and be part of groups, and is often the center of attention. They love excitement and are often impatient and demanding as a result of being a "high energy" type. They love the limelight and the "hype" and often do very well in sales, advertising, marketing, public speaking, party planning, travel and other positions where they can have a "good time" while working.

If you want to picture a typical "C" type personality, think of your accountant, an engineer or a computer programmer or analyst. The "C" thrives on details, accuracy and takes just about everything seriously. They are usually very neat, dress fashionably and are very calculated and precise in just about everything they do.

The typical "D" personality doesn't like change, preferring instead, to have a set of guidelines from which to follow and they won't mind doing the same thing over and over. They are usually more motivated by security and benefits and are likely to get the "gold watch" if the company can provide the security they seek.

Pretty interesting stuff really.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by Dueller

How do you and spouse/SO argue/settle disputes? What do you argue about? How do you resolve seemingly impossible impasses?

Need a little serious insight here, guys...

Rut Rho.....

What is going on with the girls now?

[KFC911]

Some of you guys have WAY more experience than I (never married, but recently ended a "good" 7-9 year relationship), but I'll offer my perspective without disagreeing with anything that's been posted. Relationships are HARD, and it takes two working together to make it "work". Unfortunately, if "either" chooses not to do so, it will ultimately fail imo. You guys with long term marriages are lucky, in the fact that both of you have obviously worked at it over the years, didn't "sweat the small stuff", and let bygones be bygones. Sometimes, even when all the "warning signs" are there (and I'm not talking infidelity), no matter what you do, the SO has "issues with the relationship", and there's simply not a damn thing one can do about it. That's not just my experience, but also comes from observing a few friends' 25+ year, seemingly happy marriages for years fail. Kudos to all of you who have (and have a SO) who's figured it out...you are lucky indeed.

[Porsche_monkey]

I get my lawyer to send her lawyer a letter.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Rut Rho.....

What is going on with the girls now?

Nada. I've successfully withdrawn from allowing children to be an issue. Whatever mom says goes and I just enjoy them without giving my $.02. THAT has worked out very well for me.

[Laneco]

It is very difficult to look as critically at your own personality as you would at your spouses. Real easy to see their problems in dispute resolution (stubborn, won't listen, clams up - whatever) but terribly hard to see your own. Each of us brings our own style to the dispute and frankly, it may not be a particularly desirable style...

For me, I have to stop and think about how I am acting. Is what I'm doing contributing to a resolution, an acceptance, or to an angry stalemate? Whatever I'm doing, if it's counter-productive, well, I need to stop doing it. I don't need to stop it because I'm losing the argument, I need to stop it because it is a failure to reach an acceptable conclusion. Losing an argument is not the big loss, losing the acceptable conclusion is the big loss. That was pretty tough to get through my hard Irish head. It's like winning the battle only to find out you lost the entire war.

Early on, Steve and I made a few ground rules for our arguments. Actually, I made them and much to my surprise he agreed. We are both products of divorced homes and that factored into the agreement that we made.
1. No nasty name calling (bellowing and stomping is OK)
2. No giving up (e.g. moving out, divorce, etc).
3. Always the truth.
4. Love each other even when we're furious with each other.

When it looks like one of those four is going to be broken, somebody needs to go for a walk. Or in my case, a bike ride, and it's usually me, so a bike ride it is. Clear the head, calm down a bunch. Then put on my big girl panties and deal with the issue.

angela

[vash]

this is a hot potato topic between my wife and i. i grew up with an absolutely evil sister. she tomented me mentally as well as physically. i had to be strong to fight "the troll". we are marginal friends now.

fast forward to present time, and now i am married. my wife is the complete opposite of pretty much any other female family member in my life. our first several arguments, i went for the throat. pure instincts my friends....pure survival instincts. i hurt my wife. she knew the source of my fury, and calmly discussed it with me. she calls it, "being the middle child". OOOO-KKKKAY. either way, unacceptable behavior. she doenst deserve it. my wife wont argue. she gets silent to simmer alone. once calm she discusses issues. the silent treatment used to piss me off. now i just do the same thing she does. eff it.

NOW i just hope i dont get soft the next time my sister attacks.. i hope instincts dont suffer from atrophy.

[Rikao4]

D..you seem have it all..including fights....
You slay and battle dragons all day..
come home and the Lady of the manor wants a piece off you as well....
so if she's feeling froggy..
just take off your threads..right there..now..
before long your both laughing again...

me../ our rules..
no carpetbagging..
don't bring last weeks/ last yrs boobo to this party..

choose your words CAREFULLY..
we are a team..we fight the world..not each other...
realized long ago..
if not for her...I should be dead,in prison, or on the Post Office wall.


Rika

[Schrup]

My wife suffers from Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is basically PMS on roids. Medication is the difference between pissed off & full on rage. I am no jewel, I have more than a fair share of character flaws & easily contribute more than 50% to any given conflict. We are both very stubborn people, which doesn't make matters any better.

The number one thing is that separation, let alone divorce is never an option or discussed. We try to keep in mind what is best for our 5 year old son. We went to a marriage shrink before we married to help set some ground rules & again a few years later when things were getting hairy. This helped, I learned that when she is angry, I need to leave her alone for however long it takes, (sometimes 3 days) to cool off. I always wanted resolution NOW, it doesn't work like that for her.

I can see when her irritability starts to come on & give her a wide berth. After 3 or 4 days of the onslaught, I bite back & let her know I've had enough & she needs to leave me alone. Sometime we'll barely speak for up to few days after, until her "mood" passes. I am certainly not one to give advice about marriage. I'm just giving my example of conflict resolution for my situation. I knew what I was getting into when I married her. Her virtues far outweigh the negatives. I try to look at my part in conflict & apologize when it's apparent that I'm being an A-hole.

[red-beard]

Schrup

You'd better describe some of these virtues of which you speak...Wow!

[rammstein]

Our 'arguments' are infrequent.

I think the way that arguments are treated in your household as a child help formulate the way you approach these as adults. In my house, an argument was never won, but rather resulted in a lot of stomping about, walking out of the room, and then a few weeks of passive-aggressive behavior. I learned that it did not fly with my wife. An argument needs to be rectified before bedtime. If things get heated to the point where normally I would walk out, she will just get super sad, which makes me feel like absolute dog crap, which is why I've pretty much stopped letting things escalate. She's probably been a really good influence on me. The only thing she had to learn from me was that on occasion, she needs to let me walk out just to calm down and get my bearings. She's learned to allow that, and I've learned to return with a clear head and get resolution.

We truly argue very rarely. Less and less with each year I think.

[lendaddy]

I don't know how you guys handle relationships with so much/so intense arguing. My wife and I almost never even raise our voices, seriously I could count the times on my fingers in 18 years. I know I couldn't handle it, so kudos to you guys. Yea yea I know, arguments are healthy

[Schrup]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Schrup

You'd better describe some of these virtues of which you speak...Wow!

Honest, loyal, great mother, healthy, stable, hard working, motivated, compassionate, sane, no sexual hang ups.

My last girlfriend was beautiful, but insane. After a string of failed relationships, I made a list of the traits in a women that were most important to me. She had everyone of them. I guess I'm jaded, but in my experience, you have to pick your poison, nobody is perfect, especially me. I can accept a partner who can be Jekyll/Hyde mean, but not one who is less than honest, unfaithful, lazy, selfish, crazy, or has sexual problems.

[Burnin' oil]

Originally Posted by lendaddy

I don't know how you guys handle relationships with so much/so intense arguing. My wife and I almost never even raise our voices, seriously I could count the times on my fingers in 18 years. I know I couldn't handle it, so kudos to you guys. Yea yea I know, arguments are healthy

Same here. My wife is as good natured as they come and deals with my immaturity quite well.

[lendaddy]

Originally Posted by Burnin' oil

deals with my immaturity quite well.

Bingo

[fingpilot]

Mine 'secretly' logs in to see what I've been up to online, so I'm not going to be able to participate here.... sorry.

Jus kidding hun.