What are you and your spouse/SO's arguing style?

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by craigster59

Yeah, but then it's 2 against 1.

Isn't the advantage always to them anyway?

Ian

[Dueller]

Interesting posts...both the humorous and serious.

[ruf-porsche]

Originally Posted by nostatic

1. Get mad but don't say anything, not wanting to rock the boat

2. Slowly get bitter over the whole thing

3. Eventually say something but get a bunch of "you should have..." in response

4. Wave white flag

5. Get divorced

Hey, go with what you know...

Skip the first 4 steps and go directly to step 5. Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200.000.

[911Rob]

My Dad was married 4 times and my mom was married 3 times.

I called my Dad and told him I was engaged to be married. He said, "That's great son! It's good to get the first few marriages out of the way so that you can settle down." - true story.

I really didn't know him fwiw.
My step dad #2 used to beat the crap out of me AND my mom.
Step dad #3 used to beat up my mom, at age 14 I started slapping him, by age 16 I could take him and he threw me out of the house.
Challenges when you were a kid? They don't need to come forward into your adult life, other than it teaches you what you don't want to be like.

To this day, I will not tolerate any man raising his hand to a women. Period.
I've taught this to my grandson already too.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by 911Rob

My Dad was married 4 times and my mom was married 3 times.

Were you my roomate in College?

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by 911Rob

My Dad was married 4 times and my mom was married 3 times.

I called my Dad and told him I was engaged to be married. He said, "That's great son! It's good to get the first few marriages out of the way so that you can settle down." - true story.

I really didn't know him fwiw.
My step dad #2 used to beat the crap out of me AND my mom.
Step dad #3 used to beat up my mom, at age 14 I started slapping him, by age 16 I could take him and he threw me out of the house.
Challenges when you were a kid? They don't need to come forward into your adult life, other than it teaches you what you don't want to be like.

To this day, I will not tolerate any man raising his hand to a women. Period.
I've taught this to my grandson already too.

Well, that also might explain why you tend to get into a fair amount of fights as an adult as well...

[t951]

She says no.
She waits for me to adjust to her decision.

I go to the garage, or I play with the dogs.
I eventually come around. She is the grounded pragmatist, I am the dreamer.

If it wasnt for her I would probably still be living with college roomies and eating pizza 4x a week. I also would not have a new Vette AND a 911. She tends to be right.....I am good with that.

Unless we are talking about cars, then I am right.
Or pie. Someone started a pie thread dammit, and now I want pie. Dammit.

She said no pie, I am too fat and its too late.

DAMMIT. She's right again.

[porsche4life]

So is Dueller out of the dog house tonight?

[jcunning]

My wife and I very rarely argue.
We have discussions though. Sometimes elevated, but not normally.

The best thing I did was enact a rule that said she could not bring up a complaint six months after the deed was done. This prevents any build up. Five years later it does seem to work. She hasn't brought up any old issues in a very long time.
If I do something to make her mad, we deal with it and move on. Nothing builds up over time and their are no surprises or addins during an argument or discussion.

In addition we have no kids. I hear they are stressful and expensive.

[911Rob]

Originally Posted by nostatic

Well, that also might explain why you tend to get into a fair amount of fights as an adult as well...

Don't listen to all those fight stories Todd, most of them are over 25 years old. I'm just a pimp hand slapper now adays.

Whatya gonna do?
Read more books I guess?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by jcunning

The best thing I did was enact a rule that said she could not bring up a complaint six months after the deed was done. This prevents any build up. Five years later it does seem to work. She hasn't brought up any old issues in a very long time.

Fool! She's simply biding her time.......

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by porsche4life

So is Dueller out of the dog house tonight?

Well, sorta. But she's in my doghouse a bit, too.

We did have somewhat of a brouhaha. Yesterday I met her for coffee at a neutral spot. I aksed he to tell me exacttly what her hostile attitude was about. Told her I was there to listen calmly to her side. I did not comment, defend, question or otherwise criticize anything she said. I just sat and listened to her side of why she was so angry over menial issues involving me.

Ultimately it came out that what's really stuck in her craw is that she thinks I am always negative about the twins and as a result anytime I comment on even trivial matters she feels I am essentially saying she is a bad mother.

I find the explanation a bit lacking. I thought everything was fine since I have taken the tack she is the final decision maker regarding her children. Occassionally I will express my disagreement but of late I just smile and nod and do not get involved. Don't give advice on that subject unless asked. AND THEN VERY CAUTIOUSLY.

We're not heading to divorce court. It remains to be seen if she will ask me my side. She did when we met for coffee but I said there was time to hear that later. That meeting was only for me to listen to her frustration.

[onewhippedpuppy]

If possible, I find that the sooner you can work through the situation the better. Letting it go only allows time for it to fester. Start talking, don't stop until you find a resolution. At least that's what works in my house. We're big believers in the old trusty "never go to bed angry".

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Dueller

...Ultimately it came out that what's really stuck in her craw is that she thinks I am always negative about the twins and as a result anytime I comment on even trivial matters she feels I am essentially saying she is a bad mother....

Man, I feel for ya. BTDT with my ex-SO and her kids. Her interpretatioin was that I thought "they" were bad and also the extension that I also thought she was a "bad mom". Nothing could have been further from the truth and I told her so many times...didn't matter from her perspective and after some point, eventually we were through (her call, not mine). Good luck Jim, relationships involving a mother and her teenage kids (which are not yours) are TOUGH to say the least!

[asphaltgambler]

My Fiance' (future X-wife) believe it or not have had less than two real arguements in 8 years. One of the things we both had learned in past relationships is above all respect each other. So we actually really try to be aware of each others positions and feelings.

We have had many 'discussions' over the years; some very serious and sometime we just agree to disagree

[911Rob]

Originally Posted by Dueller

..... she thinks I am always negative about the twins and as a result anytime I comment on even trivial matters she feels I am essentially saying she is a bad mother.....

Due,
This is good. You need to work this one.
You love those kids sooooo much that you wish you were the F'ing Father!
She is wrong about you, so just keep talking to her about it, it's not easy; you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Excellent work bro...... you're in for some good action, soon!
Have a great day councillour; gotta run.

[masraum]

Interesting and educational thread.

[Sapporo Guy]

Due!!!
Great job!!!

In a sense, I wonder if she was thrown off guard. She probably was having trouble trying to figure out what happened to you. Your share of time will come around, if not, she'll make the necessary adjustments for you.

I told my SO that I am not her kid's father, can't become him but I still have responsibility to her, her kid and her EX to do the right thing. I still get taken the wrong way most (all ???) of the time.

In regards to this motherly duty yadayada stuff. I just kept up the mantra that "you've done the best you could, and better than many other mothers" ... "from here on out though, your boy does need more of a father figure". You got girls ... not sure what I would say ...

Just keep pushing on how she has done great/good in the past, that you are always supporting her, and that you WILL have alternative thoughts in regard to her kids which is only natural since you ARE committed and interested.

I'm still working on my 2nd year of this so ... hopefully somebody with more experience will pitch in!

On the other point. Some how she has got realize that you are "in a sense" the twins father too.

Why do some women think that once they hook up with anotha fella that their kids are still only their kids ..... ????

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Sapporo Guy

...I'm still working on my 2nd year of this so ... hopefully somebody with more experience will pitch in!...

Here's my formula for a successful relationship:

1 + c = red (most of the time)

It's very basic, and once you grasp the simple formula, you're well on your way...

ps: I suspect Dueller just posts these threads to vent...I KNOW he ain't expecting real insight from a bunch of other car guys

[Sapporo Guy]

lolo, I'm horrible at math!

1 + c are what?
c = child ?
1 = one failed marriage?

Yep on the posting here! But this is a great place to find shop based therapy from others who share a similar interest! Our P-cars