Not sure I could be more depressed

[Joeaksa]

Hope all goes well and let us know when you get back home and feel like posting.

[gchappel]

Been there, done that. Physical at 50 showed anemia. Colonoscopy showed large colon cancer. I have been blessed- will be 5 years this Aug, and so far so good. Makes you look at life differently. Good luck
Gary

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by Kurt V

Raining outside. I spent all day yesterday drinking colyte and sitting on the toilet in preparation for my colonostomy at 9:45 today. Oh and did I mention I am also getting an endoscopy (sticking a tube with camera down my throat)? Just more fun adventures with Crohn's disease. I am losing blood, but they don't know from where.

To look at me I appear to be the picture of health. Can go out running, biking, ride the motorcycle, drive the 911. But internally, my body seems to be failing me. I slept about 2 hours last night. I used to be a much more optimistic person, but this is just wearing me out.

I am not sure I want to hear the answer to the blood loss. It is not going to be anything good. I almost just said fuch it and skipped the procedure, but not knowing is probably worse than knowing.

Thanks for letting me rant.

We're with you man, but remember- it can always be worse.

[Rot 911]

Well guys I am back! I don't remember anything, but the Doc says things look better than they did two years ago when I had this done. Still wants to do a couple of more tests, but we can rule out the serious stuff like cancer. Thanks for all the good thoughts, they must have worked!

Oh and it is amazing what a prime rib sandwich can do for your disposition! Yum!

[widgeon13]

aren't drugs great?

[pwd72s]

Kurt..it's pretty obvious you have a bunch of folks here pulling for you. Add me to that list, okay?

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Good deal! That Versed is somethin' special, eh? Wish they could bottle that stuff and sell it OTC.

When I had my upper endo done I had a bit of a sore throat afterwards, even though I didn't remember a thing. Great excuse to visit Baskin Robbins!

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Kurt..it's pretty obvious you have a bunch of folks here pulling for you. Add me to that list, okay?

Me, too!

[herr_oberst]

Originally Posted by Kurt V

Well guys I am back! I don't remember anything,

Probed by alien zombies, I bet.

[tabs]

I used to be a much more optimistic person, but this is just wearing me out.


This is the statement that worries me...When you get old you get sick you fight back, U get sick again and you fight back again until you get tired of fighting back...then you give up and pass away.

[rammstein]

Kurt- you're one of the good guys- as such, you are required to keep the fight in you at all times. Glad to hear the tests were good.

[Burnin' oil]

Kurt,

Glad things are looking up. Whenever I feel depressed, I read this:

"I just point at their mom and do a couple of hip thrusts in her direction and they tend to turn back around."

[mthomas58]

Read this, it will cheer you up! One of the funniest pieces I've read in some time. Good luck with your procedure. From Miami Herald Columinst Dave Barry.....

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''

. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.

Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.

[bivenator]

Good news with the findings. Glad to hear.

[Jim Richards]

Mark, that was a riot!

[boba]

Kurt, All the best to you, hope the tests show the problem and that it can be dealt with quickly.

Bob

[on2wheels52]

Happy to hear they ruled out the c stuff, hope an answer shows up to get back to normal.
Jim

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by herr_oberst

Probed by alien zombies, I bet.

Well sorta...My RN daughter used to work in a clinic that provided these tests...the jungle juice they use is a powerful pain killer mixed with some sort of psycho drug to assure that you remember nothing. Moses could probably tell us the drug names...

[Chocaholic]

Just signed up today. Getting the hose on July 22nd. Yippee.

[lendaddy]

Great news.