When did you know it was over in a relationship?

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by the

Again, these are rules which involve DUELLER's quiet enjoyment of his house, which I agree he is entitled to.

But this "violation" did nothing to affect Dueller. He wasn't even home. In this instance, it was a parenting issue, not "quiet enjoyment" issue.

And a stepfather is a parent. A step-parent, if you will, but still a parent.

These girls are in for a rude awakening when they hit "the real world," because it doesn't work like their life has been working so far. Mommy can't cover for you if you violate one of the university's rules... or later, one of the boss's rules.

[Rikao4]

till the next time...
until then..
roll over, sit, bark....
give paw..go away..WE are busy...

we are in trouble..
call the dog...

good luck D...

Rika

[the]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

These girls are in for a rude awakening when they hit "the real world," because it doesn't work like their life has been working so far. Mommy can't cover for you if you violate one of the university's rules... or later, one of the boss's rules.

That's life.

From the sounds of these girls, it's a good thing they are good looking.

[Burnin' oil]

Originally Posted by targa911S

It was the green 70's thunderbird parked in my drive when I came home unexpectedly. I can still see it in my mind and that was 30 years ago.

Don't you play a thunderbird? A green one? Hmmm?

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by Moses

She agree to rules that Jim insisted on. Agreements made under duress...

I'm not aware these rules were made under duress.

It wouldn't matter if they were, however. From what he's said, the wimmens agreed to abide by them.

Then you know what happened.

Jim has every right to expect honesty from his wife. She is completely wrong.

Any attempt on her part (or anyone else's) to make this about something else or to say "they'll be living at college soon" is irrelevant and a cheap attempt at deflection.

Bring Angela and Kathy in here and ask their opinion if you think I'm off-base.

I'll be very surprised if they don't side with Jim completely.

[the]

Originally Posted by Dueller

The irony is that the girls will be leaving in 5 weeks to go off to college . . .

Oh, BTW, who is paying for that?

[the]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

She is completely wrong.

LOL, now you are missing the point!

[legion]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

These girls are in for a rude awakening when they hit "the real world," because it doesn't work like their life has been working so far. Mommy can't cover for you if you violate one of the university's rules... or later, one of the boss's rules.

In my experience, they never will.

They will dabble their feet in the "real world", find mom isn't there to protect them, and come running home for the warmth and safety they have come to depend on.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by the

LOL, now you are missing the point!

No, I get that "joke." Jim's choosing not to surrender to that stereotype, and he's correct in doing so.

It is ultimately in the best interest of the girls... and for his relationship... for him to do so, too.

[Dueller]

OK...as a practical matter. How would you proceed given an assumption you feel the marriage is worth salvaging?

Give wife time to think about it? Call her? Wait for her to call? Have a family meeting to sort this out? Let them stay gone for the next five weeks before girls leave for college (I mean the girls are enjoying moving in with bf's...they're getting what they want). Have no clue where wife is staying...haven't spoken to her?

As to the circumstances, we had calmed down by the time we got home. Wife packed her bags and said "I'm done." Walked out with nary a comment from me.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by the

Seriously, what has been done has been done, it's over and can't be changed.

IMO as the man in this situation, you should take charge of getting things moving forward. Just let it go, it doesn't matter who was "right" or "wrong" (there's some blame for everyone her, but keeping score is a useless activity) the kids are gone in a few weeks, man it up and mend things up.

I don't think it's about who was right or who was wrong, but is about one person deceiving another. It's not really about the daughters at this point. It's about the interaction between Dueller an the missus.

[the]

Originally Posted by Dueller

OK...as a practical matter. How would you proceed given an assumption you feel the marriage is worth salvaging?

Give wife time to think about it? Call her? Wait for her to call? Have a family meeting to sort this out? Let them stay gone for the next five weeks before girls leave for college (I mean the girls are enjoying moving in with bf's...they're getting what they want). Have no clue where wife is staying...haven't spoken to her?

As to the circumstances, we had calmed down by the time we got home. Wife packed her bags and said "I'm done." Walked out with nary a comment from me.

I think the right answer really depends on what the situation really is.

Physically moving out of the house, not letting you know where she is going, is a very drastic move. Esp. when done after cooling down, in a calm manner.

It's hard to believe the relationship was 100% perfect, other than the "3 rules" issue. In her mind, this must have been just the last straw, in addition to other issues.

From your posts, IMO you perceive the overall health, strength and status of your relationship a lot better than she does.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by legion

In my experience, they never will.

They will dabble their feet in the "real world", find mom isn't there to protect them, and come running home for the warmth and safety they have come to depend on.

Jim, if this gets smoothed over and you and wifey are back together soon (and we all hope that works out), at some point, there are guidelines you two need to set up (perhaps in the 6 months before they graduate... summers living at home are okay) and agree on to prevent "the move back," or at least shorten its duration.

Charge $50-75 a week rent per stepdaughter and keep those same house rules.

And don't wimp out and put that money in a savings account and give it to them when they move out like I have heard some parents do. That is not like the real world. Let 'em save up for their own security deposit, first and last month's rent, utility deposit, etc.

[the]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

No, I get that "joke." Jim's choosing not to surrender to that stereotype, and he's correct in doing so.

It is ultimately in the best interest of the girls... and for his relationship... for him to do so, too.

Most "stereotypes" exist because there is truth to them.

In any relationship (personal, business, etc.) that one values, insisting on your "100% correctness," is not the right thing to do, or in the best interest of the relationship.

[Tim Hancock]

As a step dad with 19 and 20 year old stepdaughters, I feel for you Dueller. Neither of my girls drink and the oldest will finish her 4 yr degee in 3 years. That said, I have been on the receiving end of mother/daughter deceit about relatively minor things like car and boyfriend issues. It bothers me to the core when it happens and these things are pretty minor compared to some things you have shared. You have been there for the kids, yet as young adults, they still choose to play games by playing the mom angle when it suits them.

I would not blame you if you chose to end it due to the constant lack of respect that your wife and kids have repeatedly shown you.

[Burnin' oil]

Jim, good luck. What a frustrating experience. You may want to save the marriage, but does your wife? If so, then I suppose you should have her come home and work through it. Although, my visceral reaction is to change the locks on the doors and throw her crap on the front lawn. Again, good luck.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by the

Most "stereotypes" exist because there is truth to them.

In any relationship (personal, business, etc.) that one values, insisting on your "100% correctness," is not the right thing to do, or in the best interest of the relationship.

I assumed the joke stereotype you were perpetuating was the one where the wife always gets her way because if the husband attempts to assert any leadership or rules at all, she pouts and/or generally makes his life miserable.

That is, indeed, a "joke" ...and not a relationship.

Jim is not insisting on his 100% correctness. That is a vast leap on your part to attempt to make that assertion.

He is justifiably angry at what happened... a violation of a simple rule and the dishonesty of his wife in an attempt to cover it up.

[Rick Lee]

Wow. What a read. I could see you saving it just to stay with your wife. But I'd be done lifting a finger for those daughters forever. Checkbook closed.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by Dueller

OK...as a practical matter. How would you proceed given an assumption you feel the marriage is worth salvaging?

Give wife time to think about it? Call her? Wait for her to call? Have a family meeting to sort this out? Let them stay gone for the next five weeks before girls leave for college (I mean the girls are enjoying moving in with bf's...they're getting what they want). Have no clue where wife is staying...haven't spoken to her?

As to the circumstances, we had calmed down by the time we got home. Wife packed her bags and said "I'm done." Walked out with nary a comment from me.

Whether you believe the marriage is "worth salvaging" or not, she should be the one who makes the first call.

This gives her time to think about it... and she may even possibly come to the correct conclusion and apologize.

You said she said, "I'm done."

She may be. Or she may have just been trying to push your buttons and get you to beg her to stay.

Kudos to you for not doing so.

The ball is in her court.

If you want another opinion, seek the advice of a marriage counselor you respect or who comes with high recommendations.

But to call her would set up an improper power balance, IMO.

She and the stepdtr wronged you... primarily. If and when she calls to discuss this and hopefully admit she was wrong... that is the appropriate time for you to say you're sorry for losing your temper.

That is not a reason to call her first... hers was the bigger offense.

[pwd72s]

Dueller? Good luck...