Questionable life choices

[Burnin' oil]

But I don't want to be hit by a bus.

[lisa_spyder]

Well getting hit by a bus could hurt some ...but neither would I want to live my life governed by what may happen in 20 or 30 years' time. I know people like that....oh god are they hard to be around...and boring.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by HHI944

I've known her for a little over a year. Last year we had very little real contact, but still ran into eachother every few weeks. At the beginning of this year we started having more contact and fast became friendly acquaintances. About three months ago, some things changed and we were at a point where we had contact nearly daily, that was all in a work environment, but we quickly started hanging around with the same group of mutual friends after work. That pretty quickly progressed to us pitching the group and just having drinks or dinner with eachother about once a week.

About two weeks ago, she went to the ER. When she called to let me know, she said she was fine now, bit i still dropped everything and went back (i was 100 miles out of town on business) she was out of work until today due to this problem. I brought her food daily, flowers a few time, ran her errands, etc. She never asked, I just took care of it all. I'm told now, by a very good mutual friend, that my 'kindness' moved her to tears when he was talking to her. He also tells me that she called me before her family.

There is a lot of telling info in this post. Especially that second paragraph.

It sounds like both of you are already pretty much "there."

You both obviously really care for each other and enjoy spending time together... almost "need" to spend time together.

I think the snowball is already rolling... wait, that's not a good metaphor.

Just take it slow and steady like others have said, and just be ready for things to take a quantum leap forward... almost to the point of no return insofar as your hearts/emotions are concerned if you kiss and/or say "I love you."

That is probably a whole lot bigger deal for her at her age than it is for you.

If you two get closer emotionally after kissing, then for some reason it doesn't work out in a couple of months or more, count on it being a lot tougher on her than it is on you. Maybe not by much, because it sounds like you are already there, but just know if you make that leap and then decide later she is not for you, she will most likely hurt really badly for a long, long time.

Ask me how I know. But not here.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Burnin' oil

But I don't want to be hit by a bus.

How do you know if you haven't tried it?

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by lisa_spyder

Well getting hit by a bus could hurt some ...but neither would I want to live my life governed by what may happen in 20 or 30 years' time. I know people like that....oh god are they hard to be around...and boring.

Good point. I hear you entirely. Your post came through as I was typing mine.

It's not easy to weigh matters of the heart in "practical" terms. Nearly impossible.

I think that's why so many people have advised HHI944 to move slowly and carefully and with his eyes open.

But I would be the first to say that the heart has to be open too.

[lisa_spyder]

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
- Tennyson

Open your heart at John has said...(I think from your posts your eyes are open already). Life is full of choices; but if you want your life to be full then sometimes the heart should rule.

BTW - she is one lucky lady...you sound like a wonderful and caring man.

[Heel n Toe]

Oh, his heart is open... wide open... that is obvious. And a huge part of why this is so tough.

[Racerbvd]

Well, now that the married/work issues have been cleared up and since it is only about age, I'll chime in.. I have dated women older than me, generally since I was in high school. I just have, not that I haven't dated younger ones as well. So, if you two are happy, then go for it. It may last a week, month or years, you just don't know, but if you don't ACT on your feelings you will always wonder "What If" and what could have been.. My father died at 68, I have lost other friends at young ages, so go for it..

[lisa_spyder]

Since when was love ever easy? Love means you allow yourself to be completely exposed...it is not rational and often not reasonable. Love means you give first...and never stop giving. Love is a sacrifice in oh so many ways; but love also completes you. Love is the toughest choice - but real love chooses you; you can't choose it.

Poor explanation from me in my previous post - obvious your heart is wide open; but maybe the head is still fighting this. Only you truly know the answer.

[McLovin]

I wouldn't do it. There's just too many fish in the sea near your age. Your infatuation with her is really just out of geographical convenience (she happens to live near you). There's lot of others out there.

But, my practicality and objective view of the world has served me well over the years, so I am very hesitant to abandon it. You may be different.

Unless, as asked above. She's rich and has no heirs. In that case, the older the better.

[HHI944]

There's plenty in my age range to choose from around here. Just none of them captured my attention even close to the way she does.

[Schumi]

Do it.


For a few years. Then do something else.

Wash. Rise. Repeat.

[lisa_spyder]

Schumi...nice Freudian slip there

[gassy]

Originally Posted by shadowjack1

Love is like an egg, if there is any doubt there is no doubt.

Someone please put a pancake on my head.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by HHI944

There's plenty in my age range to choose from around here. Just none of them captured my attention even close to the way she does.

you are still a very young man. give it some time.

[HHI944]

Mclovin, I very often find myself agreeing with your opinions, but I have to differ this time. I've got to go for this one. Besides, it's not like I haven't sown my fair share of wild oats.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by HHI944

Mclovin, I very often find myself agreeing with your opinions, but I have to differ this time. I've got to go for this one. Besides, it's not like I haven't sown my fair share of wild oats.

Matters of the mind are one thing, matters of the heart - well, that's often not based on logic, objective things, or rationality.

The one good thing is I presume she is not going to want kids. So, the downside to this relationship is greatly limited. Even if you were to get married some day, without kids a marriage is relatively easy to undo.

I really can't see at all how this can be anything but a mistake based on just the age difference alone - but that of course is just an opinion.

Nevertheless, you could certainly prove me wrong, and if it is the course you choose to take, I sincerely hope you do.

[Z-man]

Originally Posted by McLovin

... give it some time.

HHI944 - this is critical for you in this or any relationship you care to venture into. I would offer this advise to you even if you were talking about a 26 year old lady, not a 40+ year old. Or, if you were both 50+ years old.

Remember the stepping stones? It can be very dangerous to go from close friends / casual dating straight to marriage: you skip two steps in there -- steady dating AND engagement period.

To keep it simple, consider the two options and the two outcomes for each:

Option 1- you take the time to date steadily, get engaged and...
Outcome 1: you take a year or so to date, get engaged, and get married, and live happily ever after.
Benefit: you don't rush into a decision, you have time to plan things out and you understand each other better before getting married.

Outcome 2: you take a year or so to date, get engaged, but somewhere along the timeline, the marriage is called off.
Benefit: you take the time to find out more about each other, and after realizing there are differences that cannot be worked out, you go your separate ways -- having lost only a year or so, but having learned alot during the process.

Option 2: you throw caution to the wind, and get married right away.
Outcome 3: You live happily ever after.
Benefit: you are in a committed married relationship sooner than later.

Outcome 4: 3-4 years down the road, one or both of you feel stagnant in the relationship and want out, eventually getting a divorce.
Drawback: you rushed into a marraige which will be dififcult to get out of, and the breakup is more bitter and costly than any other option.

If you play the odds, you'll see that Option 1 is a safer bet...

Food for thought.
-Z-man.

PS: Have you talked about this with your lady? Is she aware of your intentions? Do you know how she would answer if you popped the question upon her now?

[Superman]

As others have said, you are going to do what you are going to do and these nitwit Pelicanheads are not going to dissuade you. That being said, here is my input:

I was married nearly 23 years to a woman I HAD TO HAVE a long time ago. I remember very clearly and respect very dearly the heart of a passionate twenty-something man, and I am glad I did what I did, even when it was a mistake. This weekend I was feeling melancholy and chatting with my current squeeze, who is a wonderful, independent, active, slender, pleasant, trustworthy, GGG, left-handed redhead who is an excellent cook and loves the Blues....and I was reminiscing that I've always been quite fearful, but rarely if ever backed away because of fear. It was scary, but I worked straight into and through those fears. As a consequence, people say they have admired my sense of adventure and courage and willingness to "dance like nobody is looking, sing like nobody is listening and love like I've never been hurt." And now I am 53 year old. Still quite vital, but with occasional bouts of melancholy since I am starting to think my Olympic gymnastic hopes will never be fulfilled. And you know what (and this is a first class mistake-maker talking, mind you).........I do not have regrets about what I did.

My regrets are about what I did not do.

[Superman]

By the way, I happen to agree with the guys who are suggesting you take it slow. One step at a time.