Q for you with teens, communicating, text, email?

[scottmandue]

Step daughter is graduating in a few weeks and has been accepted at U of O (go Ducks!) she will be moving to Eugene in September.

As with most kids at this point in life... leaving the familiar friends/home/school and embarking on a new life at college it can be a little scary...

So she (daughter) composes a three page letter to mom about all her fears and concerns.

Now my wife feels she needs to respond with a letter of her own.

Here is the deal... when SD gets home from school/work pretty much goes to her room, closes the door, and is non communicative while at home.

Primary communication between wife and daughter is text and email.

Call me a silly old fart but growing up in the 70's/80's I had to talk to my parents... ok sometimes yelling was involved...

I'm worried about there communication is somewhat dysfunctional... however at this late date I feel they are too far gone to make any drastic changes in their relationship.

My only hope is that after SD is off to college and has to fend for herself (cook/clean) she will appreciate everything her mom has/is doing for her.

Anyone else experience this level of separation in communication between child/parent?

Thanks in advance.

[crustychief]

I am going through that with my 17 YO son. He comes home from school, goes up to his room, comes out for dinner, then goes back upstairs. His mom lives in another county and they communicate by text and facebook. I cut the internet off at 2130 every day, otherwise he will post everything he is doing all hours of the night. He gets good grades in school and is very popular with his school. It all started about the time he had his first "real" girlfriend.

I have two older sons ( 19 and 22 ) tbe 19 YO has Aspergers so there is always a lot of communication between us. Facebook was in its infancy when the oldest was passing through the hormone zone and his cellphone had limited texting.
I wish there was a simple solution.

[scottmandue]

I should point out stepdaughter is super smart (4.0 GPA) involved in sports/ballet/church and generally is a good kid (doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs) cute as can be but doesn't fool around (had a test boyfriend for a few months... they broke up... now she wants to get back together but he treats her as invisible... drama, drama, drama...)

Just the whole sequestering thing seems a little weird... but then again I guess when I was that age I didn't want to have much to do with my parents either.

Thing is they text each other while in the same house

And don't get me started on FB...

[tharbert]

Mark Twain once advised parents that when their child turns 13 they should put them in a barrel, close the lid, and feed them through a hole in the side. When they turn 16, Twain suggested parents close the hole!

She'll come around once she realizes you guys aren't nearly as stupid as she thought you were. Adolescents sever the dependence on their parents in many different and sometime awkward ways. I don't think there is much you can do but provide the unconditional support they need to get past the teen self absorption. Parents can and do screw this up by throwing up boundaries as if they were dealing with a willful child rather than a budding adult. Tread carefully, be supportive and hopefully watch the kid turn into an adult.

[crustychief]

When I was 16-18 I had a job and my own car ( I earned money to buy and maintain ). Like you I had to talk to my parents and when I wanted to hang out with friends it was in person. Today the kids hang out on Facebook, they really see no need to exert themselves beyond logging in. We are lucky to have good kids. None of my kids smoke, drink or drug. They saw how it ruins lives firsthand with their mother.

[tweezers74]

I am not a teenager but when I was one, I sound very similar to your stepdaughter. I was very active at school, had over a 4.0 GPA, had a lot of friends, didn't drink, no drugs, had a job... But always went straight to my room and rarely spoke to my parents. This was the days before Internet/FB. It wasn't because I didnt like my parents. I was just very independent. I found a lot of my "nerd herd" friends like this. We were the ones in college that only called the parents every once in a while. Again, just didn't feel like I had a lot to say to my parents. We would talk, but just during dinner.

That all changed when I grew up, had a family of my own. That's when I sought the advice of my parents. When I finally got it that I didn't know everything and experience sometimes gave you the upper hand. Sucks that it took a while but my parents and I are close and talk often now. Some of my friends actually say I am too honest and upfront with my parents. I like it.

Just wait. Be patient. She will come around. As long as she is a good girl, there is no need to push it. I actually find it promising that she wrote a three page letter. I wouldn't have done that. She is reaching out. That's all you want.

[john70t]

I'm under the belief that American culture reinforces this separation:
-Children are just financial and emotional burdens meant to be managed until 18, then they are out of the house.
-Parents are just sources of food and shelter, and just lucky to have survived in the real world.

The end result is that children lose out on the ability to ingrain experience and wisdom from their parents. Even the basics are not learned("how do I..."), and it puts them at a real disadvantage later on in life. This comes from a need for independence on the part of the child, and also from a lack of patience on the part of the parent.

Much of this separation comes from the adult, who restrict themselves to social walls because they need their own personal time, which is quite limited these days. But we've all heard the term "from the mouth of a child" and it's true. Parents can learn new ways of looking at the world and solving problems as well. And even a limited show of deferring to a child's leadership creates confidence and inspiration.

I'm under the belief shared positive experiences outside the home(i.e. a fun trip) can break down these limitations the most quickly, but negative ones reinforce them further.

Families also need to learn to say the words: "time out", "I'm busy but will talk to you later", "you seem troubled, what's wrong" and "I understand where you're coming from, but this is the way it has to happen"
I've seen bad mothers yelling at their kid for hours while the bad behavior only continues and gets worse, while a good mother stops what she's doing for 2 minutes and talks over the entire situation and is done with it.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by tweezers74

Just wait. Be patient. She will come around. As long as she is a good girl, there is no need to push it. I actually find it promising that she wrote a three page letter. I wouldn't have done that. She is reaching out. That's all you want.

That is s fair assessment.

My kids (17 and 19, soon 18/20) talk to me about everything, mostly because we always managed to find the time.

[imcarthur]

We went through this from age 13 to 19 with my stepson (the Room Monkey). Except his grades were crap & no, he wasn't a good kid in other ways either - which I won't list here because it's the net y'know. But . . . we all survived & now he has a great job in the head office of one of Canada's big banks (and he just got a $10K raise).

Love them. Support them. And try to not be too confrontational - although this can be a major challenge. Don't throw them out or turn them into the cops. And you just might have a chance.

Ian

[intakexhaust]

I'd have a chat, explain data mining keyloggers and why the government and big business love and abuse their privacy and is a blueprint forever. Nothing more and let the kid make their own choice.

Also, I've been in a few households where the parents totally are glued to the pads and screens and neglect the kids attention. REALLY bad where when guest are over and they carry on this rude habit. Way worse than any kid who's off in their room.

[scottmandue]

Wife has discussed this with her friends that have raised teens and got pretty much the same advice I am getting here...

Be supportive, love her, and give her space.

I guess my problem is I never had kids... so I am at a loss as to what to do (back-story, we got married three years ago, have been living separately so daughter could finish high school and start college)... and when the two of them get into conflict I naturally want to side/defend my wife.

Then there is the advice of her middle age friends who have not had children... something like we should build an alter to her daughter and worship at her feet...

Anyway... I very much look forward to getting through all this come September.

Thanks again!

[rnln]

the further technology goes, the apart the family is. Sad, but what can we do beside trying hard to pull it together. It seem like your wife is accidentally enhancing it.

Originally Posted by scottmandue

I should point out stepdaughter is super smart (4.0 GPA) involved in sports/ballet/church and generally is a good kid (doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs) cute as can be but doesn't fool around (had a test boyfriend for a few months... they broke up... now she wants to get back together but he treats her as invisible... drama, drama, drama...)

Just the whole sequestering thing seems a little weird... but then again I guess when I was that age I didn't want to have much to do with my parents either.

Thing is they text each other while in the same house

And don't get me started on FB...

[onewhippedpuppy]

Communicate by any means necessary, if it's by letter then write a letter. As others have said, it's the communication that matters. In a few years they will emerge from their alien teenage state.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by rnln

the further technology goes, the apart the family is. Sad, but what can we do beside trying hard to pull it together. It seem like your wife is accidentally enhancing it.

Perhaps, but which is worse - communicating by text/letter/Facebook/email or not communicating at all? I grew up before any of the above were an option, but I absolutely did not communicate with my parents as a teen. Perhaps coincidental, but I also got into trouble as a teen and still have a relationship with my parents that can be awkward at times. They had a "my way or the highway" attitude with me that built a wall between us. I still maintain that you communicate by whatever means necessary, even if it's outside of your normal comfort zone.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Communicate by any means necessary, if it's by letter then write a letter. As others have said, it's the communication that matters. In a few years they will emerge from their alien teenage state.

This is why I have held back on saying anything... because I have no experience with teens other than being one back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and, well, they are communicating and as my wife says "it works for us".

I do want to talk to my wife because I fear she is a little too electronically connected.

She sometimes is that annoying person tapping out that last text just before the movie starts or the plane takes off. Also it bothers me that when we go out for a drive she is posting to FB and sending out emails instead of enjoying the scenery.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

This is why I have held back on saying anything... because I have no experience with teens other than being one back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and, well, they are communicating and as my wife says "it works for us".

I do want to talk to my wife because I fear she is a little too electronically connected.

She sometimes is that annoying person tapping out that last text just before the movie starts or the plane takes off. Also it bothers me that when we go out for a drive she is posting to FB and sending out emails instead of enjoying the scenery.

My kids aren't teens yet, but my wife is the oldest of 10 (8 girls). I've watched with interest her 7 sisters went through their teenage years, at the moment there's only 2 aliens left.

It totally defies any logic to me, but they all live and die by their cellphones and Facebook. BTW, this gets better as they get older. I'm sure a proper psychologist can analyze the hell out of why, but it has become very obvious to me that they prefer communicating electronically. All are otherwise normal kids that have grown up to become normal adults, with normal friends and normal social skills. But when given the choice between a phone call and a text, it's the text by a long shot. The way I see it, if you want to have a relationship with the little bastards you have to do it on their terms without compromising your rules and parental authority. Think of it as a compromise, you give so they give. Otherwise they won't hesitate to shut you out of their life.

[Flieger]

I prefer emails for most things since it gives me a chance to slow down and compose my thoughts and words more carefully. Yes, it does mean I am avoiding developing speaking skills but I seem to be alright when I look at my peers.

I hate text messaging. So awkward. I have an old phone and don't know how this T9word voodoo works. I will often send an email to my parents when I am at home since it lets them continue what they are doing at the moment and look at the email at their leisure. That would be for youtube videos or good threads. If there is something I want to say right then I would go talk to them.

I used to call parents every day but I often had little to say and as I started getting busier and busier here I just do email.

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

It totally defies any logic to me, but they all live and die by their cellphones and Facebook.

And they think that we are Neanderthals for not getting it. As we did our parents, as our kid's kids will view them et al.

But as you said before: Communicate. Keep inviting them to whatever - even when you know the answer will be no. Keep offering to include them in everything. Don't ever stop. Even though they may be sullen & uncommunicative, your job as a parent - the most important job you will ever do in your life btw - is to accept.

Ian