My Father in Law is a Drunk - Help?

[twobone]

My father in law when he is sober is the patriarch of his family. He is an upstanding retired guy in his mid 70s who plays golf, drives nice cars...basically the american dream.

Except he is a raging drunk after about 3pm!

He comes up to stay with us each summer and at Xmas.

How do you deal with a father-in-law who is a semi-functional alcoholic.

I almost lost my cool last night.

We have a "last supper" each summer before they drive back to home. We headed out to a small local restaurant neatr my house with 6 adults and 5 kids under the age of 13. Before we get there he was already sporting a buzz.

He then promptly gets so drunk at dinner that he almost passes out. The whole family just kinds of sits there while he drinks himself into a stupor. His wife can't control him. To add misery, he gets louder and louder as wine kicks in.

We had to practically carry the guy out. So embarrassing.

Of course he thinks there is not a problem and that it is normal for someone to have 2 beers and 3 glasses of wine before dinner, 2 bottles of wine during dinner, etc..

He already thinks I'm a putts as I don't drink with him and I don't love TV sports. I don't drink with him because he ruins casual drinking for me.

How do you tell a 75 year old guy who thinks he is the head of a family that he needs to change his behavior as it is upsetting to watch and not appropriate for the kids to see?

[vash]

i dated a really sweet girl. her dad was a raging drunk. one big ass bottle of jack daniels daily. it was comical at first..he would face plant food at the dinner table. it got old very very fast.

he would steal stuff from his PG&E utility truck and give it to me by hiding it in the bed of my pickup. gifts to say, "sorry" for some bullkrap stunt he pulled on me.

good luck..at 70something, his liver has got to be shot.

do the kids understand? i would stop inviting him..anywhere.

no real advice to offer. a true alcoholic is really something to see..ONCE.

[madmmac]

Video usually helps the next day when they are sober enough to view it.

He has to want to change, not everyone around him.

Good luck.

[twobone]

I guess I will try to control it as best I can by seeing if my wife can talk some sense into him and by controlling what my kids see.

No more big dinners out with the kids if he drinks before we get there.

[twobone]

good point about the video. I don't think he actually knows how stupid he looks. He is a very proud guy. Perhaps a photo of himself passed out next to his 13 year old grand daughter might help.
I thought the story of him falling into the xmas tree last year would make a difference.

His wife tries to cut back his drinking....maybe next year I will start saying something. He can tell me to f-off, but then I can control what my kids see....assuming my wife agrees with this approach

[Scott R]

He won't quit based on what you wrote above. He seems perfectly happy doing what he's doing, and he clearly has enough enablers around to support him. If your family was serious about helping him, they would not be taking him to dinner and supporting this behavior.

In other words, besides his health (which alcoholics normally don't care about) what does he have to lose?

[tharbert]

Originally Posted by twobone

...(his behavior) is upsetting to watch and not appropriate for the kids to see?

This last part sugests you already know the answer. Avoid the get-togethers for a time. Make sure the parents know why. If you have siblings with kids, get together with them someplace else...again, with mom and dad knowing why. Actions have consequences.

I probably wouldn't subject my impressionable kids to the nightly sight of a binge drinker getting a snoot full. To your kids, it may seem like you condone that behavior if you all sit back and watch it happen night after night.

[recycled sixtie]

Just don't allow him in the house. No visits at Xmas or summer. It's over. You and your wife have enabled him to do this. Take charge. Tell him what he can and cannot do.

[Rikao4]

like others have said..
change..why should he..
everyone is busy saying 'it's alright'..
cut down.. right..
he will just sneak a bit more..
if your lady is feeling..it's my Dad...
she's seen yrs of this and what...
BTW your kids riding with Grand-pappy is not a good idea..
should he show..
NO LIQUOR...
should he babble about being a grown man..
inform him..
your an old drunk..

Rika

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Just don't allow him in the house. No visits at Xmas or summer. It's over. You and your wife have enabled him to do this. Take charge. Tell him what he can and cannot do.

This. It is your life. The old saying goes that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...but no one says you have to see them. While easy to say and hard to do, my solution would be to say, "you're an alcoholic and your behavior is unacceptable to us. As such you cannot stay with us nor will our family attend any functions with you where alcohol is involved."

Be prepared for many expletives and really nasty comments. But your duty is to your wife and kids, not to him.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by twobone

...Except he is a raging drunk after about 3pm!

He comes up to stay with us each summer and at Xmas.

How do you deal with a father-in-law who is a semi-functional alcoholic.

You have 3 choices.

1: Ignore it/live through it
2: Do not invite him
3: Change father-in-laws

Originally Posted by twobone

His wife can't control him.

No, she can not. It is impossible to control one. Most of us who have lived with one have, to one extent or another, enabled them.

In the end, I went with option 3, because in destroying herself, my ex-wife was destroying me. You are not married to the Alcoholic. I expect your wife is not happy about this either.

There is a fourth option which might work. Get rid of all alcohol in the house while he is there and go to restaurants that do not serve alcohol. I'm not sure if your wife would go along with this one and possibly insult her father.

Originally Posted by twobone

I guess I will try to control it as best I can by seeing if my wife can talk some sense into him and by controlling what my kids see.

Part A will not work. Part B is essential. The kids are going to see it. You must educate them. My ex-wife's older daughter never drank, due to seeing the problems it had caused.

Originally Posted by twobone

No more big dinners out with the kids if he drinks before we get there.

This is partially option #4

I lived with an alcoholic for 7 years. With the exception of her mother, everyone in the family was an alcoholic. Her sister did AA and was the only sober one in the family.

[Joeaksa]

You guys need to have an intervention, and with the video. Make sure he knows that you all love him but that he is making a fool out of himself, not to mention his health...

Joe A

[Scott R]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Part A will not work. Part B is essential. The kids are going to see it. You must educate them. My ex-wife's older daughter never drank, due to seeing the problems it had caused.

This is what sealed the deal for my sobriety.

[Bill Douglas]

I wouldn't worry too much and stay friendly with him.



The alcohol will kill him in a year or two.

[HardDrive]

Agree with sentiments above. Sorry, if your going to drink like a pig, you certainly don't get to do it in front of the kids.

If the guy has been drinking like that for years, his mind may be pickled. His liver most certainly is toast.

[twobone]

The man arrives with his own booze.

He perfers to stay at our house versus his other daughters as we have a nice spare bedroom, a clean house, a big TV and well behaved kids.

I will try this next year:
-If you want to stay at our house, we do not drink before dinner and we only open 1 bottle of wine. After the kids go to bed, you can do what ever you want.

He will have the option to stay at my sister in laws place, which means my kids don't have to see it as a daily occurence over the holidays.

In the end, he will think I'm the as*-hole brother in law who is a "p*ssy" (likely what he thinks now), but it will set the right standard for my kids.

Hey, I might even get the TV remote control back so I don't have to sit thru the golf channel!

[Les Paul]

I would think his liver function would be showing up on his physicals every year. Surely the doctor has told him? You just don't drink that much and have a healthy liver.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by twobone

The man arrives with his own booze.

He perfers to stay at our house versus his other daughters as we have a nice spare bedroom, a clean house, a big TV and well behaved kids.

I will try this next year:
-If you want to stay at our house, we do not drink before dinner and we only open 1 bottle of wine. After the kids go to bed, you can do what ever you want.

He will have the option to stay at my sister in laws place, which means my kids don't have to see it as a daily occurence over the holidays.

In the end, he will think I'm the as*-hole brother in law who is a "p*ssy" (likely what he thinks now), but it will set the right standard for my kids.

Hey, I might even get the TV remote control back so I don't have to sit thru the golf channel!

You are leaving the door open to be taken advantage of, and you're not going to get his attention. As punishment you are still going allow him to stay and still drink in your house? Nothing will change.

BTW, anybody calling me a pussy while staying (imposing) themselves at my house would be quickly told to get the f- out. I don't give a damn if it was my own father. In case you haven't noticed, the man has no respect for you.

[vash]

Originally Posted by twobone

In the end, he will think I'm the as*-hole brother in law who is a "p*ssy" (likely what he thinks now), but it will set the right standard for my kids.

!

you mean Son-in-law no?

good luck with everything. cant be easy. what does your wife say about "dad"?

[enzo1]

accept what is, you can't change it....go from there