I'm adopted!

[slodave]

Yes, it's true! Adopted at birth. I did a little search here and can't really find other threads about this, short of one from a parent adopting foster kids.

I've known about my adoption since I was little. Still have the first book my parents bought me on the subject. Though, I don't always make my adoption a number one topic of discussion, I've never been closed about it. I came to terms with adoption many years ago. I have no anger or ill will towards my biological mom. She did what she thought was best at the time. Fast forward to the early 2000's....

...Being in IT, I was always on a computer and used my skills to search for my birth family. It was a private adoption and I have a lot of info. At some point, I found a post on a genealogy site that was obscure and probably doesn't exist anymore. It was a cousin looking to build a family tree and was searching for long lost relatives. A couple weeks after responding, I received an email from this cousin. We corresponded back and forth via email for a couple years before I dropped things due to personal issues that made it difficult to deal with everything. Fast Forward to Facebook....

...With Facebook so popular, I tried to search again many years later and was able to reconnect with the cousin I found on the Internet and soon after other relatives, including my brother (half, really). I had known that I had a older brother via my parents. We communicated back and forth via FB messenger for a couple of years, before deciding it was time to take it to the next level...

Life is moving forward and there are a few reasons that I need to now connect with my birth family (not up for public discussion).

I have since spoken on the phone with one of my aunts and my brother. My biological mom does not want anything to do with me at the moment. At the moment I am going back and forth with dates coming up at the end of January or sometime in February to fly back East and finally meet some of my birth family, including my brother.

Emotionally, I seem to be handling things fine, though I was bombarded at Thanksgiving dinner with questions from every part of the field by my family and nearly broke down a couple of times.

Suffice to say, I'm excited to see how things transpire with the meeting, visiting the place where I was born. There is some trepidation, but I think this is natural.

I'll post updates as they come in and hopefully pix from where I was born, though I may leave out faces.

This upcoming meeting will help to close one chapter of my life, but hopefully open a new, adventurous one!

Feel free to ask questions and I hope y'all follow along with my journey!

[tabs]

Knowing puts a lot of issues to rest as it ends doubt. Knowledge sets u free. Kudos.

Sometimes the hand we are dealt means a roller coaster ride. You just have to hang on for the ride. To see it through.

[zelrik911]

Originally Posted by slodave

Yes, it's true! Adopted at birth. I did a little search here and can't really find other threads about this, short of one from a parent adopting foster kids.

I've known about my adoption since I was little
....... I had known that I had a older brother via my parents. We communicated back and forth via FB messenger for a couple of years, before deciding it was time to take it to the next level...

Life is moving forward and there are a few reasons that I need to now connect with my birth family (not up for public discussion).

..... Emotionally, I seem to be handling things fine, though I was bombarded at Thanksgiving dinner with questions from every part of the field by my family and nearly broke down a couple of times.

Feel free to ask questions and I hope y'all follow along with my journey!

My wife was adopted & has been through the same journey that you are starting out on.
She had always known about it, and became more curious to find the truth out when our son was born. One reason was for his biological inheritance and also, I think, because his birth was a step towards our inevitable end - and you dont want to pass-on without solving (or at least attempting to uncover ) these family mysteries.

This has been done and wifey is happier now. She has met some good birth relatives & bad ones too. Thank god for the WWW, we would have given up if the Internet didnt exist!
Her birth mum had died before we found her, but she was able to exchange letters with her birth father before he died. She has new half brothers and lots of Aunts / Uncles plus a lot of weird stories to entertain guests at dinner parties!! Lots of things happened in those days that would never occur now.

My advice is to try and find out about your birth father (if you dont already know). Step carefully and start by asking men - as we found that women are guardians forever of other women's reputations. Be persistent, without confrontation, as most people will understand and be on your side.

Best of luck on your quest.

[slodave]

Tabs, thanks.

zelrik911, there are a number of questions that I have withheld until meeting in person. Some I think are more personal than email or over the phone. As for my bio dad, no real info on him and not sure there will be much. Those were the questions that I would like to ask my biological mom - if I can at some point. Thanks!

[Bill Douglas]

Decisions made at the time. Due to factors unknown by us now, different sets of circumstances such as availability of social welfare, parents and (half crazy) aunts with strong advice to young soon to be moms. Who knows.

Best of luck with what you find out.

[Geronimo '74]

Dave, I hope you find what you seek, whatever that may be.
I'm sure your birth family will come to know you as the stand up guy I met a four years ago.
Godspeed, buddy.

[wdfifteen]

I have a question. What do you think about being adopted?
I ask because I have a "cousin" who was not adopted until he was an adult. He filed the adoption papers himself. He was always a little different - even as a kid before I knew he wasn't my aunt's child he seemed to always be troubled by something. He was one of my favorite people and I would like to understand him better.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Dave, I think it sounds like an awesome adventure. Kudos to you for taking the initiative to solve the mystery of your past. If it were me, I know I would have to eventually scratch that itch. I personally think adoption is a beautiful sacrifice, being able to honestly admit that you are not ready for kids (for whatever reason) and giving up your child so that they can have a better life.

Messed up semi-related story, just before he married my sister in law, my brother in law was contacted via Facebook by someone that had an uncanny resemblance to him who contended that he was a half-brother. After the story checked out, my brother in law confronted his parents (who are pretty horrible people btw). Turns out the mother cheated, my brother in law was the result, and they decided to never tell him. Pretty effed up in my opinion.

[tevake]

It will be interesting to see if you feel any sibling or other familial connection with these folks once you get to spend some time with them.

I have reconnected with my brother and sister from whom I'd been somewhat estranged for decades. Now we share close and supportive interaction and a new found affection. I find there is something unique in sibling relationship. Not sure if it's in a genitic connection or shared experience at a young age.

All the best in your endeavor Dave !

Cheers Richard

[recycled sixtie]

I think that the most important thing is you had parents that adopted you and loved you enough to raise you. My mother being brutally honest told me that I was a mistake(ie not planned) but successfully raised me within an intact family. Similarly I was raised in a loving family and that is most important.

I took the liberty of starting a new thread because yours got me thinking about my relatives. Life is a journey and it is a gift given us by our creator. Let's all make the best of it.

[jhynesrockmtn]

I went through this 25 years ago, happy to answer any questions you may have. Best short advice I have is go slow, don't build up expectations and don't push. There are still areas I won't go and I have a great relationship with my birth mom and the rest of that family. I've also met those living on my birth fathers side but he died when I was 8 months old. I had the benefit of a support group that included people from all sides of the triad (adoptee, adopter, birth family) when I was searching which took a year and a half. It was a different time when we were born, you don't know your origin story or why Bmom may have trepidation and you may never have all of the answers you seek. But the journey is worth it. There are ways to open sealed birth certificates which differ state to state. That may yield info on Bdad although many women didn't disclose them at the time. Best of luck!

[Baz]

What an amazing post from you, Dave. I have to admit, I have a lump in my throat just reading it - and the subsequent ones from fellow Pelicans offering support and advice.

If ever there was a reason for a forum like this - this is it.

For someone like me who was raised by his birth parents in a very secure environment I feel very humbled and am a bit ashamed even for probably taking something like that for granted more than I should.

I thank you for sharing your story and wish you the very best in your endeavours to learn and embrace your heritage.

You're a damn good guy and a big part of that is a reflection of the family who raised you so cheers to them as well.

Please keep us posted Dave, and thanks again for sharing with us. All the best to you, sir.

[Mark Henry]

My BIL knew he was adopted and found his siblings through facebook. He's french Canadian, but was adopted by a well to do English family. He met his mom but she doesn't speak english and he doesn't speak french, he has close to 10 brothers and sisters, luckily most are bilingual. He was only given up because the family was poor with too many mouths to feed.
He has become good buddies with his one brother and now sees the family once a year.

My wife was adopted by her step dad, she never knew her real dad whom she calls "Sperm". She likely has a couple of siblings she doesn't know about.
We've always known the name and where he's from, but she doesn't care and has absolutely no interest in contact.

[id10t]

Adoptee here too. I wouldnt mind updated medical history from my biologicals but other than that have no real desire.

Only history I have is a tendancy towards diabetes on my mothers side, the women are all auburn haired and I have an older half brother. Whole bio family is in Ocala about 45 min away.

[LWJ]

Fantastic!

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

I think that the most important thing is you had parents that adopted you and loved you enough to raise you. My mother being brutally honest told me that I was a mistake(ie not planned) but successfully raised me within an intact family. Similarly I was raised in a loving family and that is most important.

I took the liberty of starting a new thread because yours got me thinking about my relatives. Life is a journey and it is a gift given us by our creator. Let's all make the best of it.

My wife was adopted as a baby from Seoul Korea... not much of a surprise (that she is adopted) since her parents were Caucasians living in southern Oregon, they raised two natural born children then adopted three Korean babies over several years.

My wife claims no interest in finding her birth mother which is good because I don't think there is much hope to find her mother back in Korea.

She also was deeply bonded and attached to her parents (now RIP) and never thought of them as anything but her natural parents.

On an amusing note her, her sister, and brother were the only Asians in town and each adoption made the local newspaper.

[techweenie]

I have a friend who attempted to communicate with the child she put up for adoption as a teen. She knows the adoptive parents, where they live, etc. Communicating through an attorney, the child has refused any contact or knowledge, despite her desire to communicate a serious family history of cancer. It's a complicated issue for some, and has created some highly motivated people - like Walt Disney, Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison.

Personally, my feeling is that adoptees are the only ones among us who absolutely, positively know they were wanted.

[stealthn]

I'm adopted too, known since I can remember as my parents always told me. I am VERY lucky to have the parents and family I have.

It's much harder in Canada to find your birth parents but the government freed things up a few years ago so I applied for and got my information. I was able to (after a lot of work) find my birth mother in Winnipeg and wrote to her. She seemed happy to hear from me and said she never forgot my birthday. Things were a lot different in the 60's as she was 18 and unwed. She came to Calgary to have me so no one would know, and gave me up right away.

I explained I wanted nothing more than contact with her, and left the ball in her court; if she wanted more contact with me other than the letters just write and I would send her all my contact information or I would not contact her again - she never wrote back.

No real skin off my nose as I said I have had a great upbringing.

I did find out I have a half brother in Ontario, but unless my birth mother tells him I don't know if I should contact him. Maybe if she passes.

My real name is Shane Rene - Half Italian half Ukrainian, but I prefer to stay Irish and Welsh

Tread slowly....I know a girl who found her birth mother, only to findout she was a product of rape and her birth mother wanted nothing to do with her.

[slodave]

To start off... I was a private adoption, so the records were never sealed. I have all the records, birth certificates (I have two). No mention of my birth father on any record. Bmom wanted it that way. I only know he repaired movie house projectors and other mechanical things - which is why I am good with my hands. I was born in my birth grandparents house, but my Bmom's doctor was my uncle's dad, which helped with the whole adoption thing.

Bill, I know the factors. Second child out of wedlock and my Bmom was not exactly ready to raise one child, let alone two. In fact, my brother was raised by his grandparents until his teen years, those he got to see "mom" on the weekends.


"I have a question. What do you think about being adopted?"...

I can't answer for how one feels as an adult to file adoption papers, but growing up was really no different than the way my best friend friend (childhood) grew up. We both got in trouble/grounded, had the same types of family arguments. I suppose you get teased a bit more as a kid - your parents didn't want you, you were so ugly they gave you up.... I guess I was never teased to the point of being bullied, so no real lasting memories/scars on that issue.

To address what id10t brought up about medical history - yes, this would be nice. It's hard to fill out forms when asked about family medical history. Everything that applies to my parents that raise me does not apply to the questions. I have no blood relation, so their issues can't display in me.

"Personally, my feeling is that adoptees are the only ones among us who absolutely, positively know they were wanted."
My own thoughts here... I think there is a hierarchy list between adoptees, foster kids, orphans. Orphans get the worst of it, foster kids next up, and adoptees are usually the most lucky. I say this, as those adopted usually are adopted as a baby and grow up with one family, unlike foster kids who can go from home to home until (hopefully) adopted. Orphans in my view get the really short end of the stick and usually remain that way unless they are adopted at an early age or go through foster care. That said...

And yes, the inside joke with my parents is that the my warranty is long up, so there is no returning me now.

I was lucky to be raised by my parents. I had anything a kid could want growing up, went to private schools, vacations, traveled the world... One can't really think or dwell on the "what if's". It's impossible to tell what would happen if the road of life took a different fork in the road (of which there are many throughout life in general). If raised by my Bmom, it would have been in a small coal/steel town with not much to offer - but who knows what would have happened...

I think the only confusion with me is how I identify with nationalities. I am American, US citizen, no doubts there, but when asked "where are you from", it's hard to answer. I was raised by a dad who has Polish blood, but would be considered an American, since that family was here so long and now mixed. My mom is German, so I've identified with that growing up, but my blood is half Lithuanian, half "something else". The Lithuanian runs strong in my birth family to this date. I go with how I wish to explain things on any given day.

I hope that gives a little more insight.

[slodave]

On a side note. Tentative travel dates have been set and tomorrow I make airline reservations (and car, motel) to fly back East at the end of January.

This will be exciting and a good thing. To meet my brother, his family, and other family members will be a good thing for all. The older generations knew that there was a child given up for adoption and I don't think any have lingering issues about that - other than my Bmom. It's up to my brother and her youngest sister to try and work on that issue.

Through social media, we all see how we've grown and what we do, this won't be a total surprise. And as I've mentioned, I've spoken for an hour with one aunt and another hour with my brother. Lots in common with my brother an I, but more on that later.


P.S. Thank you all!!!