Small talk. I'm just not good at it.

[cantdrv55]

I should be good at it since I'm in sales but I avoid those situations because I'm uncomfortable participating in small talk. I've read many books on how to master the small talk but for some reason, I can't apply what I've learned. It's like I've got a mental block. I have to force myself to join in on conversations. At work, we often have cocktail events with customers, if I drank I guess small talk would get easier but I dont drink alcohol.

How do you guys do with small talk? Whats your secret?

[LEAKYSEALS951]

No idea about small talk, I hate it, and it takes A LOT of effort, but you gave me a hell of a costume idea for Halloween.

Basically, go to the next halloween party dressed as small talk, with a holster full of "how to make small talk" books and a pair of REALLY thick glasses.

Whenever someone comes up to talk, tell them I am nervous with small talk (which I am), fumble out a random small talk book, open to random page, and avoiding all eye contact, nervously recite a passage, and then re-establish eye contact, replace book in holster, and then utilize that tidbit with a response delivered in a confident Steve Martinesque presentation.

Thanks!
R

(otherwise- booze)

[rwest]

Weather, sports and maybe a little of current events, just stay away from politically charged ones and you'll be small talking like a pro.

[WPOZZZ]

Talk about food.

[oldE]

Ask a question and listen to their response. Ask another question based upon that.
People love to talk about something in which they are interested.

Trouble with that is extracting yourself from the flow.

Best
Les

[wdfifteen]

I hate it. It is so much work! When I have to do it I use a technique taught to me my woman who works in a nursing home. Pretend you are a spy trying to get all the info you can from the subject without tipping them off. People love to talk about themselves.

[widgeon13]

yep, hate it!

[recycled sixtie]

I have no trouble with small talk. I find women easier to talk to than men generally speaking. WD is right in that asking other people to talk about themselves is a no brainer.

When I was in Toastmasters there used to be Table Topics. Each person gets to answer a random question posed by the Table Topics Master. No ums, ahs or pauses allowed. I am never stuck for anything to say. Having said that I am acutely aware that I should not talk too much. I will shut up now!

[Baz]

oldE and Patrick are on the right track.

You can never go wrong when asking the person about themself.

I always begin by asking "Where are you from?" If they hesitate....I then add "Originally?" - just to make it easier to answer with their birthplace.

Usually you'll also get info on other places they have lived, timeline, and perhaps some family history.

All those thing can be of interest and provide a fair basis for further conversation very easily.

Another potentially great opening question could be "What kind of car do you drive?"

Or......"Tell me about yourself....do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Are your folks still with us/"

Or....."What line of work are you in?"

If for some reason the person you are speaking to replies with one worded responses.....you may not have that great of a conversation so there's always that possibility. But at least you have done your part.

Now if you already know this person well enough to know all of the answers to the above questions, then you'll have to go to subjects based on perhaps current events surrounding the government, the weather, the neighborhood, family, friends, etc. etc.

The key though is to ask them questions....and let the conversation flow from there.

And as oldE said....listen to those answers carefully and absorb.....this is not about YOU.....leave your ego at home....or at least in your pocket.....

Lot of interesting stuff to be extracted.....I really enjoy meeting new people and learning about their lives.....

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by oldE

Ask a question and listen to their response. Ask another question based upon that.
People love to talk about something in which they are interested.

Trouble with that is extracting yourself from the flow.

That is how I do it and I loathe small talk.

However, in addition to having insight into my employees, I know the names of every employees spouse or significant other, their children's names and, if need be, how their parents are doing.

When I am going to meet with new folks outside the company, I do Facebook and LinkedIn searches to gain some chit-chat insight if need be, also to better focus the meeting and my company overview.

I was asked a lot when I was a mil/gov program manager: What is the best training to become a great manager? I always replied, "acting classes".

[Crowbob]

If you're having trouble with small talk just ask the person why we have a second amendment.

Boom. No more small talk.

But seriously, ask any generic question and follow up their response with 'That's interesting' even if it's a lie. Keep asking questions like, Do you have any naked pictures of your spouse? (No!)

Want some?

[ckelly78z]

At work, I can go half the day without saying a single word. I am friendly, but just don't ask about their kids/the weather/facebook posts/their dog. I just don't care. I am much better one on one, than in a group, because I would rather sit back and observe, rather than being the life of the party.

Evidently, I must have passed this on to my son who is a strapping 6'0" 185# star football player who is dating the lead cheerleader, but hardly says anything to anyone. His nickname amoungst his football taeam/freinds is "Silent Kelly".

My opinion on this is that still waters run deep, and I don't see a problem with that.

[stomachmonkey]

Good conversation is about listening.

To participate requires not much more than that and asking the odd question here and there to keep the speaker engaged.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

The potential disingenuous nature of it all is what gets me. Once forced, it's work, and the knowledge that the other person is "trying to ask questions to get me to talk" in the same manner I am doing it to them is just too obvious.

"So you have a 60 minute commute?"
"Yes"
"That's GREAT!" (really? how? compared to your 15 minute commute? are you even listening?)

At a recent continuing education course, I sat at a table with a former classmate. In school, she NEVER spoke a word. Now, a specialist with her own practice, she has become a Jedi in the way of small talk. GOOD GOD! 60 minutes of small talk ready to keep the table lively in the name of networking. Nice person, and I give her credit for doing it, but I simply didn't have the energy.

Another fun situation is getting caught in inadvertent snafu's. For example, I ride bikes, however, I do not advertise that fact. A friend introduces me to non-cyclist "x" and to break the ice introduces me as a "cyclist." To keep the conversation rolling, non cyclist "x" relays a too common story about how some cycling asshats about got killed the other day cutting off traffic. Non cyclist "x" wasn't really trying to start a fight, just make conversation, but now realizes mid story she has gone down a path of potential confrontation. To make matters worse, cycling friend "y" now jumps in and talks about "crazy drivers " running cyclist off the road. Now they both realize in the context of "small talk" they need to back down and start "seeing things from the other side."

I haven't even said a word, but now I'm in the middle of an unintended dispute which got accidently tripped into by the need to fill space with small talk. There's a reason I don't mention I ride bikes.

At that point, I generally say something like "yup- those cyclists are crazy. Dangerous out there. That's why I moved to the country to ride on dirt roads. No traffic. No people.....I love it. Excuse me while I get a drink..."

For me, the small talk is getting to a mutually enjoyable/genuine subject matter as quickly as possible and not beating it to death.

[RKDinOKC]

Don't understand the term "small talk."

In first grade we got sickers on our desk for our behavior. If you kept things clean you got a cat sticker, if polite a deer, quiet a mouse. All kinds of animals with a related behavior. I got a monkey because I talked all the time. As a matter of fact, the teacher thought I had a reading problem. When reading out loud to the class, when I got to the end of a line in a paragraph instead of going to the next line I would just start making up a story better than the one we were reading. It wasn't an inability to read, just that what we had to read was boring.

Anyway, I learned that different people like different things and can be somewhat offended fairly easily. So when around new people I am very quiet. I don't ask a lot of questions as I found that can be off-putting. Basically just be a good listener until I find what they like and discover my boundaries. Then I become my usual chatty self.

On my phone I have a couple of videos of my Golden retriever saying "Hello." It is very clearly said. Those videos are always a good ice breaker even if the people are not into pets. It is jus so cute, a puppy saying, Hello.

Have always been the kind of person that when we go someplace the order taker, waitress whomever always knows my name and what I am there for.

As an example there is a Starbucks just a couple blocks from my house and my brother lives just two houses away. He is a big coffee drinker and goes to Starbucks every day. Me, not so much, dp get a frappuccino every couple of weeks in the drive thru with my dog, Pepper. Pepper always sticks way out the window and says "hello" to the drive thru person. All the Starbucks staff have to come greet and make over her when I get my frap on.

One Sat morning my brother asked me to join him for Coffee at Starbucks. He orders and says he is paying for both of us. The barista recognizes me from the drive thru and immediately asks about Pepper etc. Never asks for or takes my order. Gives bro he bill. Bro says wait you are supposed to add his. She says I did and points to it on the bill. Bro says but he never gave you his order. About that time another barista hands me my frap over the counter. They started it when they saw me come in.

Brother mumbled about how he comes there every day and only sometimes do they remember his name, and he always has to tell them his order. Then his brother comes along and they just say hello, know his name, his dog's name, and hand him his order over the counter like he owns the place. Have noticed the few times I've met him for coffee since then that now they do say hi and his name as he comes in the door. But he still has to give them his order.

[GH85Carrera]

I never have a problem talking to strangers. I usually ask what the do for a living or a favorite hobby. Ask about their kids or other general topics like a favorite restaurant or vacation. Let them talk. They will think you are brilliant conversationalist and all you have to do is nod. If you have common interests it get real easy.

[fanaudical]

No advice here. I'm an engineer - nobody talks to me at work unless there's trouble...

[M.D. Holloway]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

Good conversation is about listening.

To participate requires not much more than that and asking the odd question here and there to keep the speaker engaged.

ditto - plus a healthy review of TMC, Meet the Nation, and Sport Center to refer to doesn't hurt! Gotta have some content to grab a guy when he is trying to make a quick trip to Walmart right Scott?!?

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

I never have a problem talking to strangers. I usually ask what the do for a living or a favorite hobby. Ask about their kids or other general topics like a favorite restaurant or vacation. Let them talk. They will think you are brilliant conversationalist and all you have to do is nod. If you have common interests it get real easy.

yup, it really is about listening. If you must engage in small talk that is the secret, let the other person do the talking. The majority of people love talking about themselves.

[island911]

you can always break out the small-talk subject of small-talk and the difficulties therein..