Starting Over - Dating when you're 60

[Rusty Heap]

After 35 long wonderful years to my best buddy, we've grown apart and she's now filing for divorce.

After decades of non-dating.........what the heck is proper technique and etiquette of handling first dates? Coffee/drinks/picnic/ take a drive in my Pcars?

I've been on "Plenty of Fish" dating website, nothing is biting yet, have 50 views of my profile, couple of shared emails, but as my Dad always used to say "Boy you can't catch a fish if your line isn't in the water."

So others in my same boat, what and how do you handle dating when you're in your 50's/60's? I'm retired, live on 5 horse acres that is paid off,

I have a lot to offer. Just new to the game. At 60, people have baggage, just trying to reduce drama.


The rest is marketing and advertising your personal self by being genuine I guess.

[Chocaholic]

Perhaps I’m missing something or just out of touch but…wouldn’t it be better to wait until you’re no longer married to be going down this road?

[pwd72s]

There was a long thread here about online dating. Maybe worth a read? But do see above...being a monk & staying offline seems wise with a divorce in the works.

(edit) Meanwhile, you might want to check out youtube for online dating videos...there's a potload of them.

Oh...and when Cindy & I were dating....gosh nearly 50 years ago...she didn't know I had a P car until the 3rd date..

[Seahawk]

Good advice above.

To the future, and this is based on watching men in particular after a divorce in their 50/60's: Do not press.

There is, as we type, local women figuring out the angle they want to take in making a sweaty Heap out of Rusty Heap...they all know the situation and don't want to make your wife mad by jumping the starters whistle.

Stand by...you are Omaha Beach on Monday, June 5th 1944.

[IROC]

I'm about to be in the same boat. My wife also decided she was done with marriage after 20+ years, so soon I will be divorced also. We've signed the paperwork - currently just waiting for it to be official. I am 58 now.

About the last thing on my mind at this point is dating. But...will break out the popcorn and will watch this thread...

[cantdrv55]

That sucks Rusty and IROC. I wish you good luck finding another mate. Watch out for the gold diggers. My SIL tried Match and eHarmony. No luck with either because there are plenty of weirdos out there. Eyes and ears on alert.

[URY914]

Interesting that it's both wives asking to get out.

[3rd_gear_Ted]

Originally Posted by Chocaholic

Perhaps I’m missing something or just out of touch but…wouldn’t it be better to wait until you’re no longer married to be going down this road?

How about also figuring out why your "buddy" is leaving you.
OP really doesn't have anything to offer, damaged goods in total denial.
Good luck on that 2nd date

[matthewb0051]

My advice after watching my father go through 4 marriages:

Don't be in any hurry and FFS don't settle and FFSx2 have a pre-nup.

Numbers 2 and 3 for my father were gold diggers that got unhappy when they realized there wasn't a pot of gold. They had baggage of their own and he paid through the nose both times.

Number 4 was more like common law. She used him up physically on projects for her home and then when she realized he was getting old dumped his ass. But she waited to dump him until after he paid for them to visit us in Hawaii.

[flatbutt]

Rusty, wait for the divorce dust to settle and allow yourself time to mourn the loss. Trust me, you will mourn in some way to some degree.

Then focus on what you like to do, follow your happy trail on your own for a while. You need time to figure out who you are when you become single again.

[VINMAN]

Wow... some judgemental dudes on here.

Flatbutt has good advice. Worst thing you can do is go looking for someone. Let it just happen.


.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by VINMAN

Wow... some judgemental dudes on here.

Amazing, huh?

Rusty: Relax, refresh, pick some lint, do the five why's and, when a problem comes along...whip it, whip it good:

[Norm K]

After his divorce, a dear friend bounced quickly from sh!t relationship to sh!t relationship, all of which ended quickly and predictably.

One evening over drinks, he was lamenting his plight and asked - probably rhetorically - what he was doing wrong. Rhetorical or not, I answered him thus (paraphrasing myself a bit - it's been a long time): "Your problem is that you're trying. Not that you're trying too hard, but that you're trying at all. Give it a rest, take a break from the dating scene for awhile. If you'll just quit trying, a fantastic women will fall from the sky and land in your lap".

A few weeks later, my now non-trying, non-dating friend was moving into a new house. One of the first things he unpacked was his stereo system so he had some tunes to enjoy while unloading and unpacking. A little while later, as he stepped out his new front door, he was greeted by a women who mentioned that although she appreciated and shared his musical tastes, it might be nice if he could turn it down it just a bit.

That was nearly 30 years ago, and my dear friend, who passed suddenly about six months ago, left this same fantastic, wonderful, adorable woman ... a widow. During all those years, they were inseparable best friends.

Sometimes, just sometimes, not trying works best.

_

[Crowbob]

My short answer to the OP question is another question:

Why?

[wdfifteen]

I know it's hard to be patient, but all the advice that you need to take it slow is spot on. Stay off the dating apps.
Whatever you do don't lead with "I live on 5 horse acres that is paid off," you will attract the wrong kind.
My advice would be to not start dating until at least 6 months after the divorce is final. A man who looks desperate is going to attract desperate women.
Don't get serious early, don't do anything but casual dating for 6 months or a year after you do jump into the pool.
A good future partner will wait a year before talking about marriage. My wife tells all her friends, "Give it the gift of a year" when they meet someone.
We gave it the gift of 10 years before we married. We were best friends for a decade and it turned into a marriage for the ages.
I know it's hard to be patient and you may get lonely, but a few months of loneliness is a small price to pay to avoid years of pain.

OK, Vicki just chimed in with a great explanation of WHY you need to wait. Thirty five years of marriage changes you. You spent 35 years as the guy who is part of a couple with that woman and now you need time to figure out who you are as an individual. You have to become a different person than the guy who was married to that woman, and discovering who he is isn't going to happen in a few months.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by URY914

Interesting that it's both wives asking to get out.

I'm not really sure that it's that unusual. Actually, that's what I hear about most often.

Originally Posted by 3rd_gear_Ted

How about also figuring out why your "buddy" is leaving you.
OP really doesn't have anything to offer, damaged goods in total denial.
Good luck on that 2nd date

Yikes, this may have been posted from a point of view of introspection and self-growth, but it came across as pretty harsh.

It's pretty normal for people to change, but two people may not change in the same way. Or maybe one changes and the other doesn't or probably any number of other scenarios.

There may be issues on both sides, or one side, or maybe neither side. It's great if you can hold it together, but you can't always do that, and forcing things to stick when one person wants out is not going to be good for anyone in the long run.

Originally Posted by flatbutt

Rusty, wait for the divorce dust to settle and allow yourself time to mourn the loss. Trust me, you will mourn in some way to some degree.

Then focus on what you like to do, follow your happy trail on your own for a while. You need time to figure out who you are when you become single again.

This sounds like wise words to me which is what I would expect coming from the PP renaissance man.

Originally Posted by VINMAN

Wow... some judgemental dudes on here.

Flatbutt has good advice. Worst thing you can do is go looking for someone. Let it just happen.

Right. Of course, it probably doesn't hurt to get out and "see people" if you know that it's just for socialization's sake and not looking for anything long term.

I agree with several of the sentiments, I wouldn't be in a rush to get back out there. But then I'm more of a loner. Different people have different wants, cravings, needs around companionship. And none of those are necessarily a problem. And between the two extremes there are a million degrees.

[matthewb0051]

Originally Posted by Norm K

"Your problem is that you're trying. Not that you're trying too hard, but that you're trying at all. Give it a rest, take a break from the dating scene for awhile. If you'll just quit trying, a fantastic women will fall from the sky and land in your lap".

_

[LWJ]

Rusty and IROC,

Gents. My heart is hurting for you. I am 56 and one of my biggest fears in my wife getting tired of my *****. Because she does on a daily basis. Before I go further, please take care of yourself. Mental health is a real challenge for EVERYONE.

The upside? My buddy did this a few years back. He is a self-employed lawyer with a full head of hair. Not fit. Not tall. Not a sparkling conversationalist. Has a bunch of children he is still raising. In other words, he is a mixed bag. And, he told me as soon as the word got out that he was single the cougars went wild. He may have done the digital dating, I am not certain. But he says that suburban coug's from my neighborhood were the most aggressive. His stories are actually pretty funny.

And in the end? He married a 29 year old when he was in his young 50's. She is a Doctor now. So he may have hit the jackpot. Of course, all negotiations have some give and take. I think his deal looks better on the outside than it actually is.

But the summary? Even a pudgy, boring lawyer can do well on the rebound. And my brother's rebound story is even more impressive. He is a real piece of work!

Good luck! I feel for you. Take care of your self. This is difficult.

[GH85Carrera]

First off, my sympathies. I can't image. Our 31st anniversary is just weeks away, and I can't imagine life without my wife.

My business partner is twice married and unless a super hot nympho gymnast that owns a liquor store and a gun store and even a car dealership, decides he is the one, he will remain single.

He says that a 50 to 60 something man in reasonable shape, and well groomed, and nice clothes that either has a good job, or is retired, owns his home, and a decent vehicle, will be mobbed by women. All your married friends wife's that know you will want to set you up with their friends.

Also go to some yard and garden shows that are rife with women. Ask questions and learn to do activities ladies like. Hanging out at cars and coffee is not a great place to meet women.

Stay out of bars, or you will find a chick that likes to hang out in bars and drink.

[fastfredracing]

Being in a similar situation at 52 years old. I am reminded of the prince who asked a beautiful princess to marry him , and she said "no" .
Although I miss he hell out of my wife, I am starting to embrace not ever again having to put up with scheisse from a woman if I so choose not to . Its quite liberating .
Good luck fellows . I hear its the wild wild west out there .