Opinions on Couples Therapy?

[widebody911]

See those big red handles on either side of your seat? Grab 'em and pull... NOW

[tabs]

One thing no one mentioned and that is you go into thearpy for yourself and no one else.. It goes to the issue of not being able to change or save anyone else.

Thearpy is like looking in a mirror at yourself and having it talk back to you objectivily. Thearpy is like unwinding the Gordian Knot nso that you have a better understanding of yourself and the reason why you do things. The ultimate goal is to allow yourself to be yourself.

People generally enter into Thearpy for 2 reasons one is to get through a crisis...a death , divorce, illness etc . This is usually of a short duration maybe a year. The other reason is to understand yourself at a much deeper level, to find the self, this takes much more time generally 7 years or so and is to be considered to be a lifelong process whether your in Thearpy or not.

MOst Thearpists want to do a good job, some just know more than others, like car mechanics some are good some are bad. It really just depends on how U feel with that person.

[bigrubberjeep]

Go to therapy - It helped my relationship get past the dark times. Topic of our dark days only comes up maybe once a year and not that bad.

[Overpaid Slacker]

I don't want to unduly malign female counselors (but I will duly malign them, if the situation warrants, until the sun burns out). However, one element of having a dominant (or "strong", I'm not fluent in psychobabble) personality is frequently being told "... you just have to understand..."

As in, "JP, you just have to understand that women 'aren't X' or 'don't think like Y' or are more emotional or don't necessarily need someone to recommend solutions to their problems but just to listen" blahblahblah. After enough of this, it occured to me that I was the only one - of the two in the relationship - being told that I had to understand -- and therefore accommodate and change. One Way Street; the chyck is right and perfect and an angel for being tolerant enough to put up with you in your current unrefined state in the hopes that you will metamorphose into what SHE needs.

My concern with a female therapist (or counselor or whatever) is that you're likelier to get the "you must understand HER and accept/change for/indulge HER" w/o the reciprocity. The key to making the relationship work is therefore caving in, sacrificing your identity and indulging your girlfriend's phobias. Some guys like that; fine. It's a recipe for diaster when I'm a participant.

JP

[techweenie]

There's a type of therapy called "Imago" that I found to be very useful -- for myself at least. It didn't do squat for the relationship.

:-(

I expect a good relationship would be strengthened by such therapy -- one of my best friends' marriage is much better for it.

Imago therapy recognizes that you have a 'model' of a relationship in your head that you probably got from your parents, and that colors everything you see in another person.

I recommend looking into it, especially where trust issues are involved.

http://www.airtonline.com/

[tabs]

Originally posted by techweenie
There's a type of therapy called "Imago"

Imago therapy recognizes that you have a 'model' of a relationship in your head that you probably got from your parents, and that colors everything you see in another person

http://www.airtonline.com/

What is this "imago" threapy the new flavor of the day....

Yep everything is your parents fault , where does the indivdual stop and say, "U know what I'm fked up, and need help." Your parents were fked up, acted crazy were dysfunctional whats the problem? They passed it on to you, now you gota deal with it.

And Daddy there is only one way to beat the rap, and that is to turn and confront the evil bast@rds who did this to you. U have ta say NO, this is where it stops, and call a spade a spade. . Thats the hardest thing a person can do is to go against his tribe....your very likely to be thrown out of the tribe for your trouble. Hey that sounds like me and the R Gruppe.....But just look at the rewards you all can be just like me

[tabs]

Oh does anyone know the name of a GOOD THEARPIST.... I've been asked to leave 14 times so far...they say I'm too disruptive... and that I drive them crazy!

[Hugh R]

If she has trust problems now, it won't get better after marriage. If you can't work it out before you get married, draw up a pre-nup, or better yet don't do the deed. My wife still 20 years later thinks I was screwing around on a trip when I didn't answer the hotel room phone all night. Truth was, I was in the bar till 3AM and too hammered to hear the phone after that. A few months ago she went to Palm Springs with her college girl friends for the weekend, and she/I called Friday and Saturday night. Sunday morning she woke me up early (6AM) and said that I must have been doing something because I told her I was at my exbrother in laws friday and saturday night eating pizza. She said I never eat the same thing two nights in a row. I said to her "so your concluding that I cheated on you because I ate pizza two nights in a row?" Women will never get out the mistrust thing. You've been warned.

[ronin]

Originally posted by Overpaid Slacker
I don't want to unduly malign female counselors (but I will duly malign them, if the situation warrants, until the sun burns out). However, one element of having a dominant (or "strong", I'm not fluent in psychobabble) personality is frequently being told "... you just have to understand..."

As in, "JP, you just have to understand that women 'aren't X' or 'don't think like Y' or are more emotional or don't necessarily need someone to recommend solutions to their problems but just to listen" blahblahblah.

LMFAO! how true, how true!!! is there a t-shirt we can get for going through this *****?

Originally posted by Overpaid Slacker
After enough of this, it occured to me that I was the only one - of the two in the relationship - being told that I had to understand -- and therefore accommodate and change. One Way Street; the chyck is right and perfect and an angel for being tolerant enough to put up with you in your current unrefined state in the hopes that you will metamorphose into what SHE needs.

EXACTLY and Amen, brother! you ever notice how these sessions end up turning into male companion worthiness assessment hearings?

[tabs]

Yeah U were cheatin with the Pizza's.....why didn't U save her some you selfish SOB.

Boyz U all bin playin this thing wrong...U should say that you don't want to be trusted, and ifn you don't treat me good then U dam well maybe right that I'm cheatin with the Pizza's.*


*This message has bin provided to you by the Divorce Attorneys of America.

[91C2wrencher]

Originally posted by ronin
ditto, sing. and woe to him who enters couples therapy with a female 'shrink.' not even the worst schoolyard bully ambush compares to the beating you'll receive when their combined forces team up on you. it feels like having been blindsided by the Steel Curtain, only worse

Yup, what he said

[David]

I don't think her mistrust will change after marriage. If it bother's you a lot maybe you should reconsider. It would bother me greatly, BUT I have a good friend who's probably the most faithful husband I know and his wife is intensely jealous which bothers him but he still loves her greatly.

[ronin]

sounds to me like she is quite insecure and could use a little one-on-one sessions with a skilled therapist. that kind of attitude won't do her relationship any favors. I know this will sound simplistic, but has he tried discussing the issue with her yet?

[tabs]

Boy Mental health sure took a leap forward today....

[Moses]

Originally posted by smoak
... my fiance has deep seeded trust issues,... she cannot remove me from the microscope... living like that is tough...

Run. Seriously. You want a wife or a psyche rehab project?

[pwd72s]

Originally posted by smoak
Well this is a first for me, I am deeply involved in a very committed relationship and am getting married in November. Problem, my fiance has deep seeded trust issues, by no fault of me whatsoever. However, she cannot remove me from the microscope and living like that is tough even if you aren't doing anything wrong. So I suggest maybe some premarital counseling. This is marriage #2 for me and #1 for her. OK, question, do any of you have experience with this stuff, what can I expect for my $$$$ and most importantly DOES IT WORK? Any input from you folks would be greatly appreciated!

Dump the *****...she's trying to change you. Want to be changed? If not, dump the *****...or you WILL spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy, unsuccessfully. She will always have one issue or another...(edit) All the censorship stars? I was using a term to describe a female dog..

[SteveStromberg]

Just give her Half of everthing now and you will save on the monthly payments. My advice is Run Now and do not look back.

[Moneyguy1]

I totally agree with Moses.

RUN...DO NOT WALK, DO NOT PASS GO.

If there are trust issues now, there will be trust issues later. Counseling may help, but it may also encourage you to pack it in and realize a union would be a big mistake.

There are women out there that are understanding and self assured. My first marriage was to a needy individual. Once that was over, I took my time, found someone without "issues" and we have been together almost 20 years. No fights, minimal misunderstandings and general agreement on goals and objectives. We intend to grow old together, God willing, accepting the sags and wrinkles along the way.

[Moses]

Originally posted by Moneyguy1
We intend to grow old together, God willing, accepting the sags and wrinkles along the way.

That takes the kind of maturity his fiancee may not have. I've also been married more than 20 years. ALL marriages will have stressfull times, illness, bankruptcy, who knows? To undertake a journey like marriage with anything less than a rock-solid trust is crazy.

[Moneyguy1]

Moses..

Spoken like a true prophet.......That is what worrles me as well.

Thanks....

If we can save just one person's sanity and concept of self worth, we will have lived a worthwhile life.