Opinions on Couples Therapy?

[KevinP73]

Originally posted by smoak
Problem, my fiance has deep seeded trust issues, by no fault of me whatsoever. However, she cannot remove me from the microscope

This is not a "couples" issue. It's her issue It's something that she has to overcome on her own. You didn't do anything to cause her lack of trust, what do you think you can do to "earn" it? I'm not saying that you shouldn't be supportive but don't carry this burdon for her.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by KevinP73
This is not a "couples" issue. It's her issue

but if they are a couple, then it *is* both their issue. While she needs to do work on her own, it will influence the relationship, and thus needs to be considered by both.

not that I've been through anything like this...

[MFAFF]

Oh boy....

If she has trust issues which are not of your doing she needs to get these sorted out before you get hitched...

Whether or not you take part in that process is your choice, is the relationship that strong and with such a good future?

Only you know.

But from what you have said its part of her baggage she is bringing not a result of your relationship. On a selfish level you could say why should I suffer the effects of somebodyelse's actions.

If you do deciede to go forward with the marriage and the 'conseling' you have to be firm in maintaining your postion as somebody who is there to help your chosen partner to come to grips with issues, you are not the cause of the problems, nor should you be expected to change your life to accommodate somebodyelse. So do not allow any of this 'you must understand, you must accept'..lines from counsellors.

If you do get married or even live together then both parties have to change to accommodate one another, and its a bit hit and miss. No plan survives contact with the enemy


No I'm not married but have been living 'in sin' for a number of years and our son is a cheekly little so and so. Getting married or being married is not an issue as far as I know with my better half.
And who wants to be like everyone else (at least in our families..)

Wishing you good judgement in your choice.

[smoak]

Thank you so much for all the opinions. I really am scared as hell of going to see this female counselor and of the team up factor. This woman is worth an investment of my time and money but I just don't know about counseling.

I think I am going to give it a try. If I feel this isn't going the right way for me I will start looking for exit door.

Again, thank you for your comments. This place is really incredible.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by smoak
Thank you so much for all the opinions. I really am scared as hell of going to see this female counselor and of the team up factor.

There is no harm in trying. In my experience, the "team up factor" is highly overstated, and while it can happen, there is a significant amount of hyperbole/urban legend.

You'd actually be amazed at how critical woman psychologists can be of other women...especially if the guy is making a sincere effort to work on things.

[Moses]

Originally posted by smoak
Thank you so much for all the opinions. I really am scared as hell of going to see this female counselor and of the team up factor...

You have nothing to fear. You're not married...yet.

[KevinP73]

Originally posted by LynnsABCs
Based on what's been said here and listening to my secretary's similiar troubles for the past 18 months I would NOT agree to a psychiatrist type professional.

I would put my time and money on a church counselor.

I don't want to sound critical but I'm wondering why you preferr the church over private sector couselors? I tried doing the church route with an ex and found that the focus was more on my religous beliefs than on my ( some might say many) personal flaws. I don't have a problem with religion as a whole and I even like some of the many flavors of Kool Aide but I don't see how me being a self centered selfish jerk can be addressed by going to church and believing in a higher being.
I'm not ashamed to say that I've spent many years "on the couch"(and I don't mean watching Nascar) with and with out a significant other. The times I felt were best spent were when I was going by myself and for myself and the psycologist I was seeing was female.

[RickM]

I went to a counselor after a couple years of marriage. She happened to be female. My wife met with her initially and that was the death blow. I went twice and was obviously the lesser of the two sexes. I refused to continue. However, as negative as that experience was, it did open up the lines of communication where we worked things out on our own.

You get out of this process what you put in. If you're going in with separate agendas that's what you'll most likely leave with.

I have seen many couples where the woman is like this and the guy is happy. Why? Because they interpret this behavior as “attention”. For some it's a continuation of being with an overbearing mommy....something they're used to and comfortable with. Just don't ask them to go out for a beer, as you'll be disappointed.

Personally, I couldn't handle this behavior. Some inquiry is tolerable and probably healthy but a total lack of trust is an indication of very deep-seated issues.

Until this is resolved I'd not commit to a life together.

BTW, is she insecure in other facets of her life?

[KevinP73]

Originally posted by LynnsABCs
No problem, just stating my personal belief.
I've never been on a couch except the one's in people's homes. I would go if I thought I had a need, but have never found it necessary.

I can surely respect that. Some people seem to have a grasp for life and inter human relations. I, on the other hand feel basically clueless. I've always said that beings as we are born with out pockets we don't come into this world with "owners manuals". Some of us can benifit from someone who has taken the time and energy to figure some of the hard parts out and share the knowledge. I continue my couch time because I find great comfort and security in having someone I can talk to who doesn't have thier own agenda or have the need to be judgemental, and can be honest even when it isn't what I want to hear.

[smoak]

She is insecure about her career right now but is changing careers to change that aspect. Other than that she really is the most level headed non-emotional woman I have ever been in a relationship with. This whole thing hit me out of left field. She tells me, I have just always had this feeling with you, I just didn't know what to do about it. She says, you have all the appearances that show you wouldn't cheat, lie etc. But, its like its too good to be true. She thinks I am shady somehow. Really, this is crazy I know. I just want to get past this and move on with her. We have lived together for over 2 years, she is honest, loyal and trustworthy to the nth degree AND SO AM I. She has some deep stuff about not growing up with a father, being in aweful relationship after aweful relationship and I hope and pray those things can be worked out by the old brain mechanic. I just don't want to be left behind in the process. Anyway, as I said, she is worth the extra effort and I just have to hunker down I guess and take it.

[ronb]

Use the counselor as a facilitator for the discussion. Because you're going because she doesn't know how to verbalize her problem, ie "too good to be true". It is possible that there are other things that are bringing on these feelings in your g/f, but she doesn't know how to get it out; a counselor might be able to help articulate those other feelings. Have a joint strategy before you go in, ie more detail than just "i have feelings of doubt"

And get it resolved before you go any further, ie marriage. And if it can't be resolved, then you have another question ahead of you. Resolved = she may still feel that way but will know from whence the feelings come from, ie from within (or if you've given her reason to feel that way, then she knows it's not ONLY from her, and you also have something to work on (although you don't)). And she (and you) will know what those feelings really are.

That said, I had a terrible experience w a marriage councelor (a man) who completely disregarded my information when I agreed to see him with my then wife. As in any profession, there are a lot of hacks out there, so make a neutral assessment before putting too much information out there. Trust your instincts, don't push off what they tell you.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by smoak
She is insecure about her career right now but is changing careers to change that aspect. Other than that she really is the most level headed non-emotional woman I have ever been in a relationship with. This whole thing hit me out of left field. She tells me, I have just always had this feeling with you, I just didn't know what to do about it. She says, you have all the appearances that show you wouldn't cheat, lie etc. But, its like its too good to be true. She thinks I am shady somehow. Really, this is crazy I know. I just want to get past this and move on with her. We have lived together for over 2 years, she is honest, loyal and trustworthy to the nth degree AND SO AM I. She has some deep stuff about not growing up with a father, being in aweful relationship after aweful relationship and I hope and pray those things can be worked out by the old brain mechanic. I just don't want to be left behind in the process. Anyway, as I said, she is worth the extra effort and I just have to hunker down I guess and take it.

sorry...wrong attitude imho. You can't "hunker down and take it"...you have to want to do it and see some potential value. As for the comment about the insecurity in career and her changing careers....beware what AA calls "taking a geographical." It is VERY common for people who aren't happy inside (for whatever reason) to look towards some external change to magically fix things. "Gee, if I just move out of this town...", "man, I just need to get a different job...", etc. That isn't to say that sometimes those are real issues, but you have to pay very close attention and try to figure out what's driving those thoughts. And generally you can't do that unless you've spent some "years on the couch" (as Kevin so eloquently put it).

She sounds like she has some classic psychological issues. And if you want to stick around, you need to not only work with her to sort them out, but YOU need to sort YOURSELF out to help understand how to deal with her...and maybe figure out why you ended up with her.

Its kinda like buying your first p-car. Invariably people after a year or two say, "man, if I had it to do over again I'd look for x, y, and z". Well, that's what people end up doing in a marraige...they get married, then come to realize that they picked the wrong person. Or that they themselves are the wrong person. So most just bail and get divorced (and sometimes that is the best solution). But others figure that there is enough there to try and salvage, so they fix the rust damage, add flares, put on bigger sway bars, etc to try and make the relationship work. And if they are smart they also go on a diet themselves to increase their hp/wt ratio and get more seat time. It isn't just about the car (your wife), it is about the driver (you), and the relationship and "fit" between the two.

gee, all metaphorical and shiite...

[RickM]

Bill,

You appear to very smitten by you fiance'. No offense but you are making excuses for her and accepting a less than perfect situation. While nothing is perfect some things are repairable and some are not...or not worth the investment. (I'm talking in general here...only you know the deal)

Remember you said "living like that is tough even if you aren't doing anything wrong"

Therapy may or may not work. Or it may appear to and she temporarily puts her insecurities aside. However, when things get comfortable old attitudes and behaviors tend to resurface....

.....and if they do....they will be magnified day after day after day, till you feel trapped and smothered. You'll likely explode or prove her suspicions right. Why not? You're guilty in her eyes anyway.

[widebody911]

Originally posted by smoak
She tells me, I have just always had this feeling with you, I just didn't know what to do about it. She says, you have all the appearances that show you wouldn't cheat, lie etc. But, its like its too good to be true. She thinks I am shady somehow.

Mayday!! Mayday!! Eject! Eject!!

Serious. You're now in the position where you're constantly having to prove yourself, which will never be good enough.

BTDT.

[KevinP73]

"But, its like its too good to be true". sounds to me to be perhaps a self esteem issue along with or instead of a trust issue. Maybe she has never been with someone who treats her as well as you do and it's unfamiliar to her. All in all if this is the only issue that this woman has then I'd say give counseling a try at least issues like this can be addressed. I've had g/f's with by far greater problems and a wife with a major drug problem. Now thats when I should have had the brains to run (Forest run). Instead I tried to do the "right thing" and stick it out ( insert smiley face with gun to temple icon here).

[nostatic]

Originally posted by KevinP73
a wife with a major drug problem

you mean she liked to track her 911?

[350HP930]

A second marriage?

I guess you didn't learn your lesson the first time around.

[Moses]

Originally posted by widebody911
Mayday!! Mayday!! Eject! Eject!!

Serious. You're now in the position where you're constantly having to prove yourself, which will never be good enough.

BTDT.

This should be obvious unless you plan to walk through the door at 5:30 every day for the rest of your life and spend every spare moment under her watchful eye.

[Moneyguy1]

Bill:

Your description tells me something. And the more you tell, the worse it seems.

Everything in her life is someone else's fault. (no father, bad previous relationships)

Sorry, that is one of the most insoluble personal conflicts around

Ever hear of "transfer"? Pretty soon YOU will be the source of all her troubles.

Ask me how I know.

And at your point, you do not want to hear this.

Question: Would you be willing to let her read this thread? What would her reaction be? Would you be condemmned for sharing your thoughts with others or would you be praised for reaching out? Would you trust HER reaction?

Man, you have a difficult choice to make. From the vantage point of past 50, I KNOW my initial choice for a partner would have been completely different.

Her problem:

You didn't cause it

You can't control it

You can't cure it

[lendaddy]

As a man with an excellent marriage, I will interject here. Run, run fast, don't stop running. Marriage is no joke man and it's nothing you have to do. With all the crap I've been dealing with lately, I cannot imagine coming home to anything less than my near perfect wife. If I were under scrutiny everday and/or being questioned, or having to deal with baggage I would have grown a beard and moved into the hills years ago. No marriage is multiples better than a bad marriage. JMHO