My Father in Law is a Drunk - Help?

[1990C4S]

Originally Posted by nostatic

The biggest issue will be what your wife thinks. Does she see this as a problem? Does she defend him or say, "oh that's just dad..."? If the former, you're in for a rough ride. If the latter, find a divorce attorney. This is the stuff that cracks families in half. Best of luck.

Pure genius. If your wife accepts it maybe you to accept it too.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by Rick V

This is coming from from the guy who was a raging, angry, aggressive, functional drunk.
He isn't going to stop unless he wants to, no one will ever say or do anything that will make him stop drinking. He has to be the one to decide. Interventions and threats will not do a thing but cause anger.
Everybody who allows his drinking is an enabler. If you allow it at your house you are one of them.
The only thing you can do is tell him, if he is going to be at your place he is going to be sober, there are no other options. Let him decide what is more important to him.
I wish you luck for there is no easy answer to your situation.
I feel nothing but regret for the people I hurt as a result of my drinking, because the ones I hurt the most are the ones closest to me. I got lucky, most don't.
I doubt I can be of much help shedding light from his side but feel free to PM me if you want.

I don't spend as much time on OT as I used to, but things like this remind me why I value this place so much.

Posting that took a lot of balls. I really respect you for that.

[Evans, Marv]

If he gets falling down drunk when out with your family, why don't you just leave him there everytime he does it. Let them call the police on him or whatever they want to do. A few times waking up in a strange place, like the street or a jail should make an impression.

[TheMentat]

If he gets falling down drunk when out with your family, why don't you just leave him there everytime he does it. Let them call the police on him or whatever they want to do. A few times waking up in a strange place, like the street or a jail should make an impression.

I was thinking the same thing... Unfortunately, it's a crappy thing to do to the restaurant...

[mattdillon]

Originally Posted by Targa Me

for me the answer would be; he can come stay but no alcohol...period. an alcoholic can't drink just one or two, they need more than enough. If he can't deal with that, let him stay elsewhere.

This might work but it ALL depends on how your wife feels about this situation. The last thing you want this to do is put a wedge between you & her but I also know sometimes with this being her father she's just gonna kind of let him go & do what he wants without making a big to do over it (especially if he's already being doing this for years). Its kinda like correcting your child, if you don't start early enough with them then its gonna be too late by the time they're a teenager. And this kinda sounds like this has already been going on for years so its really going to be hard to stop it all now (like ole' barney on Andy Griffin said, you have to nip it in the bud). But, man you HAVE to think about YOU & YOUR Family first & foremost, especially the kids & hopefully your wife will stand behind you on this. I mean enough's ENOUGH! NEVER let your kids get in the car & go somewhere with him, an alcoholic can get liquor Anywhere & Will. Good Luck & keep us informed. Also, alot will have to do with how you approach him, get you a gameplan before you go in! jmo!

[Eric 951]

He's in his mid-70's, so he isn't going to change his behavior. Base your plans on this factor.

[twobone]

I think why it has been tolerated is that he is a good grandfather and very generous when he is sober. When he gets drunk he is not angry either, just kind of pathetic.

My wife lost her mother (his 1st wife) to booze and tylenol and so I think she is concerned about alienating her father. My wonderful wife is a peace-maker, but she will draw the line when its needed.
We only see him in the summer and over xmas. They do appear to curb their drinking a. Bit when they babysit the kids.

Its just sad that he appears to drink himself into a stuppr everynight.
What is weird is how he can get up early the next morning, have a coffee and seems to be right as rain.

Thanks for all your great advice. We have a few months till xmas. I will reread this advice before the start asking about xmas plans.

[1990C4S]

Originally Posted by twobone

What is weird is how he can get up early the next morning, have a coffee and seems to be right as rain.

This is not uncommon. It's part of the problem. People who get hungover drink less.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by twobone

I think why it has been tolerated is that he is a good grandfather and very generous when he is sober. When he gets drunk he is not angry either, just kind of pathetic.

My wife lost her mother (his 1st wife) to booze and tylenol and so I think she is concerned about alienating her father. My wonderful wife is a peace-maker, but she will draw the line when its needed.
We only see him in the summer and over xmas. They do appear to curb their drinking a. Bit when they babysit the kids.

Its just sad that he appears to drink himself into a stuppr everynight.
What is weird is how he can get up early the next morning, have a coffee and seems to be right as rain.

Thanks for all your great advice. We have a few months till xmas. I will reread this advice before the start asking about xmas plans.

From this post, your wife will not support any of the extreme measures. You are down to 2 choices: Live with it or leave.

[911_Dude]

If your father in law doesnt want help then he will not change

If you just continue to tolorate it then you are enabling the alcholic.

If you just go on unchanged, what are you teaching your kids, and putting yourself through.

Id tell him he is not welcome if he chooses to drink too much. Reiterate before he shows up again. After the first night of drinking, the next morning show him the door, but let him know he's always welcome when sober.

[911 Rod]

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

Don't ever expect rational behavior from an alcoholic OR their family. Do NOT start an intervention. It may backfire on you. Often the rest of the family will band together in response.

Set the ground rules for what goes on in your house, and don't bend for anybody. The guy isn't just an alcoholic. He is also a bully. Bullies only bully people who let them.

My advise as well ....been there, done that.

[TechnoViking]

When life gets complicated, you have to get back to the basics. Ask yourself "what is in the best interest of my children?"

Your duty as a man is to do what is in your kids' best interest. Not even your wife's desires in this matter are as important as you setting the standard for what is acceptable behavior around your kids.

Being around a drunk is not OK for your kids. It doesn't matter who he is. A drunk is a drunk and he should not be around them.

So it's simple: Grandpa is not allowed around your kids when he's drinking. Period. If he can't go a couple of days at Christmas without drinking he needs to get help or stay someplace else. Be a man, and stand up to the family. You have to do what is right for your kids.

[vash]

man, i would cancel Christmas. completely..skip straight to Easter. mmmm..ham

[myamoto1]

Haven't read the whole thread, so I apologize if this has already been offered:

Step 1: Make sure you and the wife are on the same plan
Step 2: Protect your kids - they don't need to be under the impression that this type of behavior is acceptable
Step 3: Protect your kids - if grandpa wants to interact with his grandkids, he must be sober. If he plans to stay at your house, it's under your rules.
Step 4: Protect your kids - having grandpa passed out next to his 13yr old granddaughter is not acceptable

Any "feedback" from you will most likely be seen as an attack on his character. I suggest your wife has a talk with him regarding the impression he is leaving with the grandkids. If pride is a good motivator for him, the photos/video approach may have some success. Just make sure the video doesn't have anyone commenting on how "funny" it is that grandpa passed out again. I would also make sure the video is taken by an immediate family member. If it appears that you are orchestrating any of this, there is a good chance it'll blow up in your face.

[Rick V]

Originally Posted by twobone

Its just sad that he appears to drink himself into a stuppr everynight.
What is weird is how he can get up early the next morning, have a coffee and seems to be right as rain.

Trust me it is an easy thing to do, after about the first few years of drinking like this. I was never hung over.

[Scott R]

Originally Posted by Rick V

Trust me it is an easy thing to do, after about the first few years of drinking like this. I was never hung over.

Yea, never a problem even hitting the gym in the morning.

[mikeesik]

You and I need to go bowling.

My x FIL was always a prick to me and of course it would magnify with each drink.
On my wedding day after a few in the car -not with me- He was ready to walk down the aisle and give away his daughter- She told me he said-"we can turn around and leave right now".
-I was raised to respect elders and parents-iron fist- The boner would come over every time he could for a free meal and drinks.
He'd always get in my face when no-one was around and push me around a bit, attempting to be the Tough Guy.
I was way too tolerant throughout many years of this crap. My x said nothing to her Father-ever!
One evening the idiot came over for finger foods and my x left to go to some party.. I was left with the man-with the little man complex-.
He brought hi s own booze. Things at first were ok and then he drank too much for his spleen to handle.
He got in my face again, and started to mumble-this guy could never let go his daughter-
He resumed to pushing me a bit and the grabbing my shoulder very hard.
I told hin to go home. He didn't like that and socked me in the face.
I stood there for about 5 seconds thinking over the situation. He hit me in MY HOUSE.
I wound up and clocked him. Knocked him right out.
I waited for my x to come back from where ever and she opened the door and was obviously drunk. She says "Hiii. I'm sitting on the chair in the family room and show her my face.
She freaked. She had to walk a couple of steps to se dear old dad laying on his back with his glasses embedded in his face.
I told her what happened.
After that he never drank at my Home again.

[aigel]

You can't put your foot down in a straightforward manner for two reasons:

- Your wife is not on board.
- Your FIL is "generous". I read this as "helps with down payment on home" or "helps with kids college savings". This is something you of course would like to continue to benefit from and it is understandable. If generous is less than the above, (i.e. he picks up the tab at dinner and buys you nice socks at x-mas), then don't consider it a factor.

Here is the solution for you:

You will start taking vacations with your family away from home at x-mas and in summer. Go skiing, abroad, Hawaii, Asia etc. where the inlaws can't show up easily. You tell your wife you want to spend more time in your vacations with the immediate family unit (which is true!). You will explain that your kids are older now where they get more out of this travel and staying home is boring.

This solution is a passive way of avoiding a situation that you cannot control and you won't alienate your FIL or your wife.

That's my two cents.

G

[mikeesik]

Who cares if he is generous to you .
If you don't do anything about it and you are so very disturbed by his behavior you are only using him .
It obviously bothers you enough to post !

[aigel]

Not sure if 2bones situation includes having accepted significant financial support from the inlaws. I was just guessing what he means with "generous". It is very common that generations lend a hand to each other, i.e. on housing and kids education. It complicates things unnecessarily if there is a conflict.

Even if this isn't the case in 2bone's OP situation - his wife apparently is not on board putting the foot down - that's why I suggested a passive move that may give the desired results without any damage done (aside from the FIL's liver).

G