PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[M.D. Holloway]

Mongoose,
This path, life...it has many turns, valleys, mountains and deep dark forests and there are times your map is sure and then the map makes no sense.

Those who have a plan find themselves changing it according to the scape. Tjose with no plan find them selves in places of wonder and horror.
Children, God, career, stuff and finally a partner are all the things we aspire to understand but rarely do. We fool ourselves more then we don't.

Sometimes we think too much and sometimes not enough. Only years tempers us and maybe it's because we lose our energy and acquiesce?
If your lucky you will stumble into a life worth living ... And I think the key is to have an open mind about all things but hold on to a few key values - just have to figure out what you stand for.

Good luck. Few actually try but those that do succeed.

Don't give up. You still have friends.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Be VERY happy you vetted this out now and not later. You'll walk away with bruised emotions and suffer from a broken heart for a while but you'll eventually get back on your feet and find yourself with someone better for you. If this had happened a few months or years down the road you'd be miserable, pretending to be someone you're not just to keep someone else happy AT BEST. More likely you'd be out all your money, your home, your possessions, your income (present and future), your kids and your plans for the future. Men ALWAYS lose. Watch your ass and best of luck going forward.

[onewhippedpuppy]

You did the right thing. Be honest and let the chips fall where they may. Religion, like kids, is one of those bedrock things in a marriage. You have to build your marriage on those shared values. If you don't have that basic stability, your house is destined to eventually crumble.

[ForBell]

i'm as impressed with your seeming sensibility as I am with the wise Pelican comments in this thread. my best to you, goose.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Don,

I'm not sure if I should be mad at you, or buying you a beer! Your subtle 'nudging' me in a certain direction was a little cryptic until you posted the excerpt from your book. After reading it, I feel like I have WAY more work ahead of me than just deciding if I want kids. Extremely helpful, even if it did enlighten me to a not-so-great reality.

I discussed it quite a bit with my parents over the weekend, actually.

That's not my book, partner...it's Dr. Sam Vaknin's book.
Nonetheless, I'm pleased that the information has prompted considerable self-reflection for you.
It appears that what you're now doing is referred to as "conscious suffering."
Self-forgiveness is a good thing!
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~~~~~
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Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
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Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
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This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" ~ Dr. Sam Vaknin

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

That's not my book, partner...it's Dr. Sam Vaknin's book.
Nonetheless, I'm pleased that the information has prompted considerable self-reflection for you.
It appears that what you're now doing is referred to as "conscious suffering."
Self-forgiveness is a good thing!
.
~~~~~
.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
.
This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" ~ Dr. Sam Vaknin

Don,

Maybe I misunderstood what was bolded in the quote above. I figured it may have been a pen name.

I spent a little time searching for and pricing out apartments or houses to rent in the area. Every one I looked at, I did it with the automatic assumption that she'd be there with me. I had a very hard time disconnecting my thinking from that.

Then it really struck me- I'd be completely alone. I moved to this city with her to be nearer to her family. I have 1 cousin my dad's age, and his son. About an hour away. We met for the first time when we got here. I have no real family here besides hers, and I have a few friends but no 'shoulders to cry on'. I have 2 vehicles that require garage space, and one big dog. None of my own furniture besides a bed and dresser. No job while I complete my licensing classes.

It's going to be very tough.

[Alexm930]

I, 50 y.o never married no kids. Was engaged twice in my life, had/have healthy relationships with women.
My best friends, some who go back to grade school have told me, Alex ALEX, do not get fuc*^#g married. They all say they love their kids then stare off into space when I ask if he is happy.

That's all I needed to hear. I love being single. I love bringing a girl home enjoying each others co. then watching them leave in the morning is priceless.

My 2 cents.

[SilberUrS6]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

It's going to be very tough.

It doesn't have to be. You are mobile. You could move back to your home town so you have family support. Or, treat this as an adventure. Find something completely new and different to do. Something that you've been interested in, but haven't done because you were with her, doing stuff she wanted to do. A lot of people have done just what you are contemplating. It's called "going to college".

My experience: my family was far away. My friends all went separate directions. My girlfriend as far away as you can be and still be in the same country. No friends, no relatives, no job, no car, just a couple of boxes of stuff and the prospect of a lot of hard work and sacrifice. It turned out pretty well, LOL. But let me tell you something: it wasn't easy to begin with. In fact, it was hard as hell adjusting to the *new* of everything. Add on top of that a H.S. girlfriend breakup a month in, and it was pretty damned challenging. Get out there and do stuff. You'll meet people and make friends and maybe even meet a girl who is more of a match. Hell, the first place I'd start is dog obedience class. I met some very nice dog people in class. And I still hang out with one of the guys, who also happened to be in the old-man soccer league, and he got me to playing, where I met other old guys who liked to play soccer....

You get the picture.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by SilberUrS6

It doesn't have to be. You are mobile. You could move back to your home town so you have family support. Or, treat this as an adventure. Find something completely new and different to do. Something that you've been interested in, but haven't done because you were with her, doing stuff she wanted to do. A lot of people have done just what you are contemplating. It's called "going to college".

My experience: my family was far away. My friends all went separate directions. My girlfriend as far away as you can be and still be in the same country. No friends, no relatives, no job, no car, just a couple of boxes of stuff and the prospect of a lot of hard work and sacrifice. It turned out pretty well, LOL. But let me tell you something: it wasn't easy to begin with. In fact, it was hard as hell adjusting to the *new* of everything. Add on top of that a H.S. girlfriend breakup a month in, and it was pretty damned challenging. Get out there and do stuff. You'll meet people and make friends and maybe even meet a girl who is more of a match. Hell, the first place I'd start is dog obedience class. I met some very nice dog people in class. And I still hang out with one of the guys, who also happened to be in the old-man soccer league, and he got me to playing, where I met other old guys who liked to play soccer....

You get the picture.

I did the college thing. Partied my ass off, took advantage of the 2:1 girl/guy ratio.

From my perspective today, it will not be fun in the beginning. However, I think it will be an interesting new chapter.

Here's to hoping I don't get some chick knocked up now. What a bad case of irony.

[SilberUrS6]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Here's to hoping I don't get some chick knocked up now. What a bad case of irony.

Wrap it before you tap it. 100%. Or just fap it.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by SilberUrS6

Wrap it before you tap it. 100%. Or just fap it.

Have you ever gone back to condoms after years of not having to use them? It's terrible.


I will likely stay in the ATL area. I love the city and there's a ton of stuff to do here. Plus, once I finish my licensing requirements, I have an awesome job lined up in a field that I've been trying to get into for a while.

Then again, I could just move to Brazil.

[McLovin]

No doubt it is going to be tough.

But there is also no doubt you'll get through it. We all have at various times in our lives.

It'll just take some time. "Time heals all wounds" and "This too will pass" are cliches, but they are also very true.

[SilberUrS6]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Have you ever gone back to condoms after years of not having to use them? It's terrible.

You want to know what's terrible? 18+ years of child support payments.

Condoms help prevent two decades of wallet drain. Oh, and getting disease. But wallet drain? Goodbye Porsche, and good lifestyle. Jimmy hat, or GTFO.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by McLovin

No doubt it is going to be tough.

But there is also no doubt you'll get through it. We all have at various times in our lives.

It'll just take some time. "Time heals all wounds" and "This too will pass" are cliches, but they are also very true.

This is absolutely true. My grandfather always gave me the same advice when I was in some sort of predicament, "This too shall pass". Most notably when I broke it off with my long term high school girl friend. He was right, I was just fine after. That was a little easier though, as I hadn't built a life around the girl. Still lived with mom and dad, was in HS, etc.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by SilberUrS6

You want to know what's terrible? 18+ years of child support payments.

Condoms help prevent two decades of wallet drain. Oh, and getting disease. But wallet drain? Goodbye Porsche, and good lifestyle. Jimmy hat, or GTFO.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I agree. It is one detriment to strange, though.

[Oh Haha]

Good luck to you, Goose.

After my divorce, I moved 70 miles away from everyone and everything I knew. It was the best thing I did. Sure, it sucked coming home to my empty tiny apartment but I lived through it.

Then I met my wife. I knew from our first date that we would be married. We celebrated 13 years of marriage last Monday. We have had our good times and bad times. (We aren't sure what time we are in right now but that's another thread.)


Live life to the fullest, be good to people and yourself! I hope that your girlfriend finds happiness as well.

[McLovin]

How are you planning on doing this?

"Clean break," cold turkey style?

Or drag it out style?

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by McLovin

How are you planning on doing this?

"Clean break," cold turkey style?

Or drag it out style?

Probably drag it out style. I'm pretty well stuck in where I'm living until I can put together some money. We'll probably continue to sleep together and go out together, but once we can each get on our own feet, I imagine it will be 'clean' from there.

Not ideal, I know. This would have been much easier if we weren't living together and each had sufficient resources.

Want another curve ball? I hadn't mentioned: we live on our own floor in her parents' house. The plan was for us to stay here and not rent, so we could buy a home together.

[McLovin]

Whoa.

[Don Ro]

From Barbara De Angellis, PhD
"Are You The One For Me -?
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Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong: Barbara De Angelis: 9780440215752: Amazon.com: Books
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A page from her book - I tried to photo it...but rather small.

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