PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

No job, no money, no woman, no hobbies, no home, no dog, few nearby friends... It sound like a check list for depression

Or a career as a Country Music Singer.

[MongooseGA]

That's brilliant!

I just need some stories about trains, prison, beer, trucks, and momma.

[M.D. Holloway]

For $300 you can forget about her for at least an hour. $500 will make you forget about her most of the night ...

Then there is the scotch ...

[Porsche-O-Phile]

But it might make you remember the forgetting every time you take a whiz for a good long while. Or I suppose you can always get a shot and clear it up... Maybe.

[ledhedsymbols]

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I don't think you're coming off as a dick, no worries. Thanks for the straight-to-the-point analysis.

I'd be inclined to agree with you wholeheartedly, from an outside perspective. You may be right that it would be the best option for my own circumstance.

However, from my perspective, I don't think that's the case. I'm losing my partner, temporarily leaving my dog, and giving up the biggest feeling of security I currently have. Maybe I'm still just stubborn or immature about this, but I truly don't want to have to give up my material passions as well.

No job, no money, no woman, no hobbies, no home, no dog, few nearby friends... It sound like a check list for depression much deeper than just overcoming a break up.

I'm not typically an emotional kind of person- as pointed out by Don in this thread, I'm much more cerebral and logical. I realize my position on this specific matter flies in the face of logic.

I'll add more later. I'm going to the gym for some positive endorphins and to clear my head. Doesn't hurt to get myself into a more 'marketable' shape, either.

Yup, that SUCKS. But you need to start over. Sell the toys, take the dog, and do______. YOU, and only you, get to fill in that blank. What is keeping you in Atlanta? Because from the sound of things there is absolutely no good reason that you have to stay put.

Sometimes in life you have to reinvent yourself. Sometimes that means starting over. I'm 34 and have already done it twice. Once when I went back to college already married with kids, and now starting my own business after being laid off from a comfy aerospace gig. Both have sucked big time in the moment, but I've survived and ultimately been better off. Think of people that you know, people that were successful and that you respect. How many credit their success to taking the easy way out?

[AFC-911]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

However, from my perspective, I don't think that's the case. I'm losing my partner, temporarily leaving my dog, and giving up the biggest feeling of security I currently have. Maybe I'm still just stubborn or immature about this, but I truly don't want to have to give up my material passions as well.

From my perspective:

- You're making 50% less than you were in VA
- You no longer have a partner with a supplemental income
- You don't have a place to live

I think it's a little ridiculous that you still think you should own a bunch of toys, let alone a Porsche at the moment.

Get your priorities in order, man!

[tedg04]

I'll echo the sentiments of others - you need to do you right now.

The introduction of how important religion is to her at this phase makes me really suspect that the decision is made for her and she's simply making a wish list for her ideal life partner. Not saying it isn't important to her - just that if it was that important for that long you likely would have sensed it coming. (My wife, for instance, doesn't need to tell me moving from the area is not an option. I'm aware of it intuitively because of our relationship and time together.)

Distancing yourself from her based upon these new criteria and her decision (HER decision - I'll reiterate) will either solidify for both of you that it's the right move or make her realize what she's giving up. You've made the effort to become more self aware and evaluate what the relationship means to you - has she?

Also make no mistake that no matter how much in-laws (or projected in-laws, in this case) like you, they will always choose their relative over you. If you're really lucky they will be self aware enough to recognize the inherent favoritism; but, that's incredibly unlikely.

The easiest path often isn't the right one. It's going to suck to cut ties hard, move the car out, take the dog, etc. But you'll be better off at the end.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I'll echo the sentiments of others - you need to do you right now.

Yes, doing yourself is key to the single life.

[JavaBrewer]

This is beginning to read like a novel. Mid stream new evidence is offered that changes the story completely.

MGA - from everything you have posted here I can only conclude that you are a self absorbed user. There comes a point in every man's life where reality hits them square in the head and they will either rise or fall to the challenge. This is your time. Do what's right.

[ForBell]

Originally Posted by JavaBrewer

MGA - from everything you have posted here I can only conclude that you are a self absorbed user.

here's what the man said - starting some 137 posts ago.

Originally Posted by Don Ro

A "Head Type"...you view life from the perspective of "thoughts and theories".
.
You really want me (or others on this forum) to pull out the stops and tell you like it is for you?

Originally Posted by Don Ro

Your picture is becoming clearer and clearer.
.
"I think the passive-aggressiveness comes from my difficulty in taking most things seriously. I find comic relief in whatever I can. Even if it's not at an appropriate time. I do not have much of a compassionate side either, which I believe keeps me from being able to sympathize with people and realize when their issues deserve more than just a sarcastic comment from me"
~~~~~~~~
.
Ever read much about Personality Disorders? In particular, Borderline Personality Disorder?

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Don,

What are your thoughts?

Originally Posted by Don Ro

My thought...
.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
.
This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" ~ Dr. Sam Vaknin

[onewhippedpuppy]

Tough love = end thread? I hope our friend makes the right decision, because you can't buy self respect.

[ForBell]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Tough love = end thread? I hope our friend makes the right decision, because you can't buy self respect.

correct! after 232 posts and 12 pages i'd guess that he's gleaned sufficient narcissistic supply to satisfy.
much respect for the members of PPOT!

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by JavaBrewer

MGA - from everything you have posted here I can only conclude that you are a self absorbed user.

I'm not sure how to take this. Would you care to elaborate? While I do admit that I consider my own self more than most people, I'd probably not consider myself a 'self absorbed user'.

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Tough love = end thread? I hope our friend makes the right decision, because you can't buy self respect.

Originally Posted by ForBell

correct! after 232 posts and 12 pages i'd guess that he's gleaned sufficient narcissistic supply to satisfy.
much respect for the members of PPOT!

Nope, not the end of the thread. I've been waiting to have something of substance to post before pressing forward. For those interested, let me fill you in. (I'm going to try to keep this short, as I'm still not 100% in everything)

In the last week, I've had several revelations and realized a change of perspective is definitely in order. Priorities will probably need re-organizing. I've been able to make arrangements for not only a place to live, but also to store my toys. I've also gotten a contact that might end up paying me to live in a single family house while it's on the market in exchange for maintaining the property. Details are vague before I talk to the guy with all the answers. As of now, it's 'through the grapevine'.

I've also come to realize that I've taken my relationship for granted. Even more so now in the last few days than I had realized when I came back to ATL from my trip last week. I've found myself wondering what it is that kept me from embracing how much I care about Kacie and how grateful I am to have had her for the time that I have. I'm looking at her again through the same eyes that I did when we first fell in love. With that in mind:

Last night we had a very long talk. As stated before, I am not very good and conveying my feelings through speech. Much better through written word. I was able to overcome that last night and properly relay my thoughts to her. Without getting too deep, those thoughts and feelings consisted of: my feelings for her and how I've always seen our future together, my desire to consider options with new perspective than I have before, and my need to find real, solid answers to give her about what I am and am not willing to commit to.

Nothing has been decided and written into stone right now. I was able to relay effectively how I intend to move forward from here. I want to be able to live day to day and evaluate my personality flaws in real-time. When I feel the urge to make inappropriate comments, I want to recognize it and respond to it. Since it's part of my personality, it's slightly more than just a matter of knowing who will take my comments as jokes; it's more a matter of knowing the audience and realizing when the comments I instinctively come up with are simply not things that decent people should say. With the recent realization I've had that much of personality is textbook narcissism, it's more than just a relationship issue. It's a personal issue that I need to learn more about. There is a fine line between censoring my real personality and realizing if my real personality is not healthy for myself or others around me.

While I'm learning about this and evaluating myself, I have agreed to consider the prospects of marriage and children with a fresh perspective. For so long I've been able to echo things my father has said (such as: don't have kids, marriage is miserable) without consequence. That is no longer the case. While I am not conceding to agreement on these aspects, I am taking it seriously to really search myself for real, personal answers. I've relayed to her that I may end up at the same conclusion that I've spouted off for years, but I may not. I want to be able to give honest, solid, 100% answers when I get to that point. (For those who have been following, I've been pretty consistent in my thought that I cannot commit to kids as of now, but I do not know how I will feel in several years)

I went to church with her this morning. Not because I conceded to religion, but because I'm wanting to be a more laid back and easy going person. She knows that I don't believe the things being mentioned in the service, but it meant a lot to her that I could still be mature and respectful in that setting without making comments under my breath and picking apart the logic the whole time. I'm not looking to convert by any means, but it did make me feel good that I was able to attend and be welcomed by others, as well as not to be bothered by anything.

I'm not sure if this is what most of you who have contributed will consider to be 'the right choice', but it is what I have decided to pursue as of now. As some have stated, sometimes when you know the person is right, you need to decide how to react big questions like marriage and children. I know that I will be happy with her in my future, but I need to be able to give her an emphatic yes or no about how I truly feel. It's just going to take me time to do some introspective thinking before that can happen.

I'd like to take the time, once again, to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for not only contributing their stories, but taking the time to evaluate mine and provide their input. I'm quickly realizing that no man is an island, and it takes a village to raise a person, even if that person is already an adult who has things to work on.

[Por_sha911]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Finances are a HUGE concern of mine on this topic. People always tell me "don't worry, you always find a way to make the money work when you have kids".
My problem is that many times that includes selling off your toys, hobbies, passions. I bought an vintage 911 because I wanted it. I don't want to have to sell it. Same goes for the bikes, guns, etc...

It is good that you have an honest appraisal of your priorities. Marriage and having children only work well when your love for others over-rides the sacrifices made for them. Based on your concerns, marriage and kids are not good choices for you. You would resent what you lost to accommodate them.
As far as your relationship is concerned, you probably need to go your separate ways ASAP. The tension of your differing opinions will only increase over time. If something changes later on, you can try to get back together.

Edit: I just finished posting and then read your last statement. Without telling you what to do, I would suggest you consider this: any time that I changed who I really was to be with someone, the relationship ended in disaster. Either I went back to being who I really was and she was angry at the change or, I resented having to be someone I wasn't to be with her and it poisoned the relationship. Unless you have a genuine heart change, the things you originally felt will resurface and at that point the situation will be a lot messier.

[onewhippedpuppy]

One more comment on the toys, when you really live for someone else and put their needs first, selling items that you get person enjoyment from is an easy choice. I drove junkers for a LONG time because it was the right financial decision for my family. Simply put, THEY are more important than stuff. Learning to no longer be a slave to stuff is a huge part of growing up and becoming financially stable, sadly many never get there. If you want to really take this next step then you need to genuinely consider what is best for your future. You being broke with no income and a bunch of toys is the anthiseis of a mature breadwinner spouse. Growing up isn't easy.....

[widebody911]

[Dueller]

I sense an engagement ring by christmas. Good luck to ya MGA. Hope it all works out whatever you two decide.

[cockerpunk]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I'm not sure how to take this. Would you care to elaborate? While I do admit that I consider my own self more than most people, I'd probably not consider myself a 'self absorbed user'.





Nope, not the end of the thread. I've been waiting to have something of substance to post before pressing forward. For those interested, let me fill you in. (I'm going to try to keep this short, as I'm still not 100% in everything)

In the last week, I've had several revelations and realized a change of perspective is definitely in order. Priorities will probably need re-organizing. I've been able to make arrangements for not only a place to live, but also to store my toys. I've also gotten a contact that might end up paying me to live in a single family house while it's on the market in exchange for maintaining the property. Details are vague before I talk to the guy with all the answers. As of now, it's 'through the grapevine'.

I've also come to realize that I've taken my relationship for granted. Even more so now in the last few days than I had realized when I came back to ATL from my trip last week. I've found myself wondering what it is that kept me from embracing how much I care about Kacie and how grateful I am to have had her for the time that I have. I'm looking at her again through the same eyes that I did when we first fell in love. With that in mind:

Last night we had a very long talk. As stated before, I am not very good and conveying my feelings through speech. Much better through written word. I was able to overcome that last night and properly relay my thoughts to her. Without getting too deep, those thoughts and feelings consisted of: my feelings for her and how I've always seen our future together, my desire to consider options with new perspective than I have before, and my need to find real, solid answers to give her about what I am and am not willing to commit to.

Nothing has been decided and written into stone right now. I was able to relay effectively how I intend to move forward from here. I want to be able to live day to day and evaluate my personality flaws in real-time. When I feel the urge to make inappropriate comments, I want to recognize it and respond to it. Since it's part of my personality, it's slightly more than just a matter of knowing who will take my comments as jokes; it's more a matter of knowing the audience and realizing when the comments I instinctively come up with are simply not things that decent people should say. With the recent realization I've had that much of personality is textbook narcissism, it's more than just a relationship issue. It's a personal issue that I need to learn more about. There is a fine line between censoring my real personality and realizing if my real personality is not healthy for myself or others around me.

While I'm learning about this and evaluating myself, I have agreed to consider the prospects of marriage and children with a fresh perspective. For so long I've been able to echo things my father has said (such as: don't have kids, marriage is miserable) without consequence. That is no longer the case. While I am not conceding to agreement on these aspects, I am taking it seriously to really search myself for real, personal answers. I've relayed to her that I may end up at the same conclusion that I've spouted off for years, but I may not. I want to be able to give honest, solid, 100% answers when I get to that point. (For those who have been following, I've been pretty consistent in my thought that I cannot commit to kids as of now, but I do not know how I will feel in several years)

I went to church with her this morning. Not because I conceded to religion, but because I'm wanting to be a more laid back and easy going person. She knows that I don't believe the things being mentioned in the service, but it meant a lot to her that I could still be mature and respectful in that setting without making comments under my breath and picking apart the logic the whole time. I'm not looking to convert by any means, but it did make me feel good that I was able to attend and be welcomed by others, as well as not to be bothered by anything.

I'm not sure if this is what most of you who have contributed will consider to be 'the right choice', but it is what I have decided to pursue as of now. As some have stated, sometimes when you know the person is right, you need to decide how to react big questions like marriage and children. I know that I will be happy with her in my future, but I need to be able to give her an emphatic yes or no about how I truly feel. It's just going to take me time to do some introspective thinking before that can happen.

I'd like to take the time, once again, to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for not only contributing their stories, but taking the time to evaluate mine and provide their input. I'm quickly realizing that no man is an island, and it takes a village to raise a person, even if that person is already an adult who has things to work on.

yeah this seems like a bad plan ....

the right choice is moving on, not changing your fundamental personality and goals in life, in order to be with a person you actually dont much agree with, and is basically forcing you to change.

i know its hard. had to do the same thing to a girl id been with for 7 years. it sucks. its scary to think of a life without them. but about 6 months into it, you will feel so free.

[Moses]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I'm not sure how to take this. Would you care to elaborate? While I do admit that I consider my own self more than most people, I'd probably not consider myself a 'self absorbed user'.

Time. It's a young woman's most precious resource. And you've decided to waste more of hers. She wants a family. You've derailed her life for six years already and now you're ready to take even more of what she cannot afford to give.

A man makes decisions. A man would commit and have a family or go his own way. You're a child.