PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[BRPORSCHE]

This is probably the most enjoyable thread on pelican in quite some time. The amount of respectfulness and point of view opinions are fantastic.

This is what keeps me around.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by BRPORSCHE

This is probably the most enjoyable thread on pelican in quite some time. The amount of respectfulness and point of view opinions are fantastic.

This is what keeps me around.

While I know it wasn't your meaning, I'm glad my predicament cant bring enjoyment to some.

[Head416]

What matters more to you? Staying with her? Or not having kids?

Also, if you decide to have kids for her, don't be a POS dad. Just sayin. It's your choice, if you choose that path don't take it out on the kids.

[Evans, Marv]

The idea of having kids is something everybody wrestles with as they go through life. My question is, why stress about that now (or any time)? If you don't want kids, that's OK, but you shouldn't tie your GF down if that's something she wants before turning 30. The truth is there are lots more fish in the sea for both of you. You just have to get out of that comfort zone a bit and face some changes in your lives and trust you will have opportunities to create something better. I never had kids. Partly because I wasn't that interested and partly because of the way life unfolded. In my case, Don Ro hit it on the nail head about parents modeling life for their children. Both my parents were terrible models, and I think that dampened my interest in the first place. I'm sure you know your ideas about life will change as you progress, just like you can look back and see how lots of your ideas have changed since you were younger. Just let that happen naturally. If later on, you don't want to have kids, that's OK. If later on you change your mind, that's OK too.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Oracle

Someone told me there is never a good time to have kids... true..

I've heard that statement before, but I really don't get it.

In my experience, the opposite is true.

There are many good times to have kids. For example, a couple that has been married 5+ years, are finished with schooling, have been working in their jobs for years and have a steady income. That sounds like a good time to have kids.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

One more thing that I'd like to add.

You seem like a pretty intelligent, self-aware, well-spoken guy. Society needs more people like you to breed, and fewer Octomoms.

Don't do it for yourself, do it for your country!

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyJaunte

One more thing that I'd like to add.

You seem like a pretty intelligent, self-aware, well-spoken guy. Society needs more people like you to breed, and fewer Octomoms.

Don't do it for yourself, do it for your country!

Thanks for the compliment.

I feel I would probably be a good father. The kids I do interact with, I'm good with. I have a dog, that I love dearly. He respects me, obeys me, loves me, and is loyal to me over anyone else.

Can't be that different than raising a kid, right? All of his traits are things that I taught him since I raised him from a puppy.

Fortunately, his toys all fit into one basket, he craps in one spot outside, and all he charges me for is food and vet bills.

Maybe I have commitment issues. I can't see not having my girlfriend in my life, but I do have a hard time saying "I want to be with you forever". Not to discredit our relationship or my feelings for her, but forever is a long time. I never want to sell my first car either, but I suppose it is possible that one day I might.

[berettafan]

Originally Posted by McLovin

I've heard that statement before, but I really don't get it.

In my experience, the opposite is true.

There are many good times to have kids. For example, a couple that has been married 5+ years, are finished with schooling, have been working in their jobs for years and have a steady income. That sounds like a good time to have kids.

The way I heard it was 'if you wait till you can afford kids you'll never have them'.

[mikester]

If you really don't want to then very simply don't.

Moses' data is correct and follows my own experience where we did spend quite a bit to get her knocked up with #2. My wife was over 40 when #2 came to be.

I still have moments where I resent the responsibility but I think that most men feel that occasionally. I know that my father, while a great dad whom I adored being with as a kid had been trapped by the times and getting his girlfriend knocked up young.

You sound pretty sure you don't want to do it.

The ones of us who ended up with kids and honestly didn't want them or weren't already committed to the relationship usually end up divorced and supporting.

My wife did surprise me with wanting to be a stay at home mom after a couple of years and that was a huge blow to our income. I worked harder to get into a better paying position so that I could instead work smarter. It worked out and now I really don't want her going back to work until the younger is in 5th or 6th grade.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I can't see not having my girlfriend in my life, but I do have a hard time saying "I want to be with you forever". Not to discredit our relationship or my feelings for her, but forever is a long time.

There you go, you've answered your question.

Do the right thing, which unfortunately is not the same thing as the easy or expedient thing.

[AFC-911]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I can't see not having my girlfriend in my life, but I do have a hard time saying "I want to be with you forever". Not to discredit our relationship or my feelings for her, but forever is a long time. I never want to sell my first car either, but I suppose it is possible that one day I might.

While you're perfect for each other in your 20s, it doesn't sound like your long term goals and wants match.

You two are just wasting each others' time if neither of you see that changing anytime soon.

[Ayles]

And if you really really don't want kids then take action and insure it doesn't happen. Get snipped and be free from worry and "accidents".

[Porsche-O-Phile]

You can't predict how your own feelings (much less hers) might change in the future. I've posted about this ad nauseum but IMHO it's why promises like "I'll love you forever" or "till death do us part" are disingenuous and one would be foolish to believe them. You can only ever speak to how you feel NOW.

My personal advice is to let things play out. If she starts pressing you for marriage, RUN don't walk away. She should respect the fact that you're happy and that you might be open to the idea of children someday without laying the pressure on.

Also keep in mind that the biggest thing that can destroy a marriage is children and what they can do unintentionally (added stress and worry, complete shift in priorities, etc.) Kids are great but they WILL change your relationship and oftentimes it's not for the better. They radically change a woman's brain chemistry (well-documented, start by reading "The Female Brain") and can alter a man's as well.

Be happy in today. Don't sweat tomorrow too much. It comes too fast as it is all by itself. Don't put yourself in a position where (1) you'll be forced to become someone you're not* or (2) where you might lose everything that's important to you in a divorce**

Best of luck.

* = that's not the same thing as realizing potential you never knew you had. Very difficult to tell them apart but if you're like most men, you're biologically wired to be a fine father. A hint is if you worry about what kind of father you'd be, you'll probably be fine. It's the ones that don't worry / don't care that are most often the problems.

** = including the kids (as well as the obvious things like money, future earnings, cars, houses, retirement plans, etc.) Men NEVER win. Ever. Do a search - I and others have posted exhaustively about this.

[tweezers74]

Originally Posted by McLovin

There you go, you've answered your question.



Do the right thing, which unfortunately is not the same thing as the easy or expedient thing.

Yup. I think right now it isn't even the question of kids. Relationship comes before kids. If you don't have a strong relationship, the kids don't have a standing chance.

Did you ever think you having kids doesn't even sound good to you because you haven't found the woman to make them with? I get the diaper, stroller, waking up in the middle of the night thing doesn't sound appealing to you and let's be honest here, parents hate the sound of that too. I am not a guy but have a lot of guy friends so observing from the outside, it seemed like when they were young, it never crossed their mind or was even appealing because a) they just wanted to date and have fun b) having a kid or marriage for that matter would crimp their style of traveling, riding dirt bikes, spending money on beer. But once they started to slow down because of the natural progression of life, they started to see things differently. Not the marriage/baby thing but spending their money and time on different things. And forget about it when they found THE GIRL. It's not that she forced them to give it all (because in reality, if a girl makes you give up your passions, and vice versa, she probably isn't the one), but rather they wanted it all... With her. And all of a sudden, they wanted kids. THEIR kids. Not somebody else's bratty kids but their own. Something that is a part of them. I think when you find the gal, you will know what I am talking about.

But some people just don't want to have kids. And that's cool. Find a woman out there that doesn't want any. You would be surprised how many out there don't want kids. I have several girlfriends that don't want kids and they are seen as weird.
In the mean time, don't be one of those guys. Let her go if you care about her at all. Let her have her chance and honestly, give yourself the chance to find what you really deserve to experience. Love. It's a good thing. Good luck to you.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Porsche-O-Phile

You can't predict how your own feelings (much less hers) might change in the future. I've posted about this ad nauseum but IMHO it's why promises like "I'll love you forever" or "till death do us part" are disingenuous and one would be foolish to believe them. You can only ever speak to how you feel NOW.

Respectfully, this is one of the prime reasons the divorce rate is so high.

TV and movies tell us that marriage, love and relationships are and should be based on "feelings."

Well, if that's one's mindset, it's going to be very, very difficult to have a long term, happy, successful marriage.

Why? Because "feelings" change. They just do. They are often fleeting. That's the nature of feelings. This is especially true in long-term relationships.

Staying married, successfully and long term, is a CHOICE, in combination with action.

So, it is meaningful to say "I'll love you forever," or "til death do us part." You can always have the character to CHOOSE to make those things true. It's when both sides of a married couple do that, where you end up with long term, successful marriage.

[Oracle]

Originally Posted by McLovin

I've heard that statement before, but I really don't get it.

In my experience, the opposite is true.

There are many good times to have kids. For example, a couple that has been married 5+ years, are finished with schooling, have been working in their jobs for years and have a steady income. That sounds like a good time to have kids.

Absolutely, I agree.. I guess that comment come from the fact that kids will get you tired, cost money, take a lot of time,etc. Note: I'm not questioning the reward of raising a family. For me has been the best thing in life..

[Porsche-O-Phile]

I don't disagree. It's far too easy to say "till inconvenience or boredom do us part".

There is very little incentive for a woman to stay married. She can get all the benefits (almost exclusive time with / custody of the kids, free house, free money, etc. and doesn't have to deal with keeping some guy happy). By contrast a guy has a lot of incentive to stay married since he's the one with the most to lose.

[Rikao4]

Originally Posted by McLovin

So, it is meaningful to say "I'll love you forever," or "til death do us part." You can always have the character to CHOOSE to make those things true. It's when both sides of a married couple do that, where you end up with long term, successful marriage.

thank you for that...

snagged it long ago from a book..

'if my last words aren't I love you..
it's because I didn't get the time...'

I would walk into hell with a smile for her...
and you will wish you were there already....
should you harm her..


Rika

[Moses]

Originally Posted by AFC-911

You two are just wasting each others' time if neither of you see that changing anytime soon.

It's actually much worse than that. In 15 years there is a 50% chance she will be unable to have a baby. He can father children till he's 90. Nature doesn't play fair.

She has made it clear. She wants a husband and children. Every single day he stays with the girl he is stealing her youth and potentially her dreams. It's incredibly selfish to stay in a relationship under those circumstances.

[Oh Haha]

I didn't read all of the replies but thought I would share my recent experience.


As some of you may know, I walked away from my job last week. My reasoning is to be a stay at home Dad for our 2 kids. They are in school but my son needs extra attention due to learning difficulties, Aspbergers, ADHD, etc.

In my former marriage I had a stepdaughter that I didn't get along with. We thought getting married would solve everything. Pffft. It didn't do anything but make it more crappy. Luckily, we both saw the light and divorced amicably.

I met my second(and last) wife when I was 31, landed promotion, and moved away from my hometown. I knew after our first date that I was going to marry her. She was/is everthing I wanted in a woman. Neither one of us had kids but knew we wanted them when the time was right. We got married in 2001 and my son was born in 2003. My wife had 3 miscarriages before that. (We learned to keep the pregnancy secret until after 9 weeks.) When we thought kids were never going to happen for us, it was devastating.

My daughter arrived in 2006, sort of unplanned but not really. I was happy with 1 kid and didn't really know what I would do with a little girl.

I'm 47 now and I wouldn't change the way my wife and I planned(as much as can be) the building of our life together. It's much different now with 2 kids and me not working but we have survived all that has come our way and will continue because we work TOGETHER for the good of our family.

My point is that you still have many years to have kids, if you choose. If you meet the right girl for you, your mindset may change without you even noticing. It's hard to describe but when it's right you will feel it in your heart. For me it was a feeling that I got, and still do, when my wife talks to me or I think about her.