PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[2porscheguy]

As usual, there are many great posts in this thread!

MongooseGA, I was you some 28 years ago! I met THE ONE but I didn't want to have kids, while she did but "not for awhile".
We dated for quite sometime and really enjoyed each other's company. We traveled quite a bit and had some seriously good times...and, man, the sex was always great!

Fast forward some 7 years and we are now in our early thirties. At that point, somehow, someway, I "changed"...we got married and now we wanted children. Well, as the good Dr. Moses pointed out, it would not be easy with us being in our mid thirties. It took us 4 years to finally conceive. At 36 years of age, we were parents for the first time....a boy! But we wanted two, a boy and a girl. We tried for another 3 years but to no avail. Unfortunately my wife had an ectopic pregnancy and that was it...she would no longer be able to conceive.

However, our son is now 18 and he is our pride and joy!...couldn't even imagine life without him!

So, with that, it is quite possible that you'll change your outlook down the road, as I sure did. I'm just saying keep an open mind.

Is she THE ONE?

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by Moses

It's actually much worse than that. It's incredibly selfish to stay in a relationship under those circumstances.

~~~~~~~~~`
Yep!
~~~~~~~~~~

Originally Posted by Don Ro

I did just that twice in my past - placated her for fear of the pain of loss.
Not honorable behavior.

[Don Ro]

This may sound silly, strange, off-the-wall, etc.
But in my past I did feel very strong love for a woman ...more than just one (separately, of course).
And I had this deeply strong feeling of wanting to impregnate her...to have her forever...her, me, and a family.
She seemed so perfect...and it felt just so right!
Anyone?

[2porscheguy]

What happened Don?

[Don Ro]

LOL...nothing.
Man! ...I was so naive and underdeveloped...the gods smiled on me.
I had nothing healthy to model to a young human being...and I knew it at that time.
And that was the good news.
Somehow, some wisdom within me whispered in my ear.
I'm 68 now, I'm ready to guide a little one.
But who'd have me?

[2porscheguy]

Don, have you thought about being a "big brother"?

Home Page - Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Arizona

Somehow I sense that this is something that what you might need right now.

[Don Ro]

Don't know about "need"...but thanks for the suggestion.
I was a Big Brother once on the SF Peninsula years ago...also did a stint w/the San Mateo County Literacy Program years ago.
Taught 3 folks how to speak English...both rewarding but very taxing.
I did my share.
Thanks!
.
Edit: I would rather have a child of my own...but that's not going to happen.
I'm too comfy with my lifestyle as is.

[MongooseGA]

Seems the advice I'm getting is pretty concise, if not only divided two ways.

1) Ask for patience, I will likely change my perspective in the next few years.
2) Realize that at this point, things are headed in different directions and it's unfair to both to prolong what could be inevitable.

Both are very realistic. Unfortunately, both require completely different courses of action.

[Don Ro]

goose,
.
I sense that you're afraid of something. It may be hiding under the guise of what you've said in this thread.
No need to state that here...'might want to look at that, as a good start.
Good luck.

[MongooseGA]

Wouldn't be something in these lines, would it?

"Maybe I have commitment issues. I can't see not having my girlfriend in my life, but I do have a hard time saying "I want to be with you forever". Not to discredit our relationship or my feelings for her, but forever is a long time. I never want to sell my first car either, but I suppose it is possible that one day I might."

[Don Ro]

No.
You're a cerebral person...bright, articulate, etc.
You're what we call a "Head Type." As opposed to a "Heart Type" or a "Gut Type".
A "Head Type" "thinks" their way through life ...as opposed to "feeling" your way through life...or "sensing" your way through.
Perhaps not touching your own heart yet...at your young age.
No.
There's something in you that you're not touching...yet...or saying to us on this forum.
At the risk of sounding intrusive...I'd say it's some form of inadequacy that you harbor.
It may be something within you that you're just not willing to admit to yourself...yet...or saying to us on this forum.
.
Sorry if I sound too forward.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

No.
You're a cerebral person...bright, articulate, etc.
You're what we call a "Head Type." As opposed to a "Heart Type" or a "Gut Type".
A "Head Type" "thinks" their way through life ...as opposed to "feeling" your way through life...or "sensing" your way through.
Perhaps not touching your own heart yet...at your young age.
No.
There's something in you that you're not touching...yet...or saying to us on this forum.
At the risk of sounding intrusive...I'd say it's some form of inadequacy that you harbor.
It may be something within you that you're just not willing to admit to yourself...yet...or saying to us on this forum.
.
Sorry if I sound too forward.

No offense taken or anything. Feel free to elaborate. I'm open to exploring thoughts and theories.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I'm open to exploring thoughts and theories.

A "Head Type"...you view life from the perspective of "thoughts and theories".
.
You really want me (or others on this forum) to pull out the stops and tell you like it is for you?

[Scott Douglas]

I've been following this thread since its inception and feel a need to comment for some reason.
My wife and I have a long and varied love story. Suffice it to say I had to let her go before she finally came to the realization that I was the one. As I tried to explain to her when we first had wanted to get married, my love for her was like a house on fire, fully engulfed in flames. 34 yrs later I still feel that way.
You seem to have only a campfire going for you Mongoose. You're comfortable around the campfire, but if it were to blaze up, like if a child were to enter the equation, you'd run for the woods.
My advice is too let her go. If you later find out she really is the one, and she still thinks the same way about you, you'll end up together again.
The worst thing that can happen now, from where I sit, is if you're both 'forced' into something you don't want or aren't ready for now.
By the way, we have two kids and can say that no one can tell you how much your life will/does change when you have kids.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

A "Head Type"...you view life from the perspective of "thoughts and theories".
.
You really want me (or others on this forum) to pull out the stops and tell you like it is for you?

If it's something constructive that you feel would be pertinent for me to see, by all means, please feel free to let me have it.

Originally Posted by Scott Douglas

I've been following this thread since its inception and feel a need to comment for some reason.
My wife and I have a long and varied love story. Suffice it to say I had to let her go before she finally came to the realization that I was the one. As I tried to explain to her when we first had wanted to get married, my love for her was like a house on fire, fully engulfed in flames. 34 yrs later I still feel that way.
You seem to have only a campfire going for you Mongoose. You're comfortable around the campfire, but if it were to blaze up, like if a child were to enter the equation, you'd run for the woods.
My advice is too let her go. If you later find out she really is the one, and she still thinks the same way about you, you'll end up together again.
The worst thing that can happen now, from where I sit, is if you're both 'forced' into something you don't want or aren't ready for now.
By the way, we have two kids and can say that no one can tell you how much your life will/does change when you have kids.

You may be right. I hadn't until just today considered that a serious, deep love for someone would probably carry with it the desire to do anything for that person (with respect to having children; obviously I would do just about anything for her within my conscious power). Of course we've each made compromises in our relationship, but there's really no compromise about children. We have a dog. That's about the extent of it.

Your analogy is a good one. While I feel very reluctant to admit it, you may have a point that is relevant to my situation.

[Don Ro]

"If it's something constructive that you feel would be pertinent for me to see, by all means, please feel free to let me have it."
~~~~~~~
OK...but if only if you're willing to be radically honest.
Otherwise, I have some other things to do.
I'll ask a couple of Qs to check out your willingness to be frank w/us.
If I detect some obscuration, I'm over and out.
How's that?

[Scott Douglas]

A happy marriage is full of compromises, from both sides. You're not there yet IMO, based on what I've read here.

[MongooseGA]

Sounds fine. If you'd feel more comfortable feeling me out through PM, that's fine. I'll try to be as honest as I can.

But, if you've got things that need tending to, please take care of them.

[Don Ro]

Not that I'd be more comfy...not at all. It's your suggestion.
But OK...PM me.
You're on, son.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Wait, Mongoose...you're gonna trust this guy? He's from the desert, you know...heat's probably scrambled his brains.