PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[Don Ro]

"...but didn't need to go see. I knew this, so non-issue."
~~~~~~~~
So you weren't really giving to her.

[Don Ro]

Within the BPD complex is a strong component of narcissism.

[Don Ro]

I'll hum a few bars on my take on Narcissism.
In our early years, when our young psyche witnesses that we are not genuinely loved (the holding environment), ("This is probably a huge point, but my dad was a dick most of my life.."), it (the psyche) decides to give to itself what it construes to be "love". But it is immature and doesn't have a clue what love is. It becomes extraordinarily self-centered.
In short, that psyche enters into adulthood with a profound arrested emotional development.
The rest is what you have witnessed in you own life...as has your lady and your associates.

[ovilla]

The fact that you're thinking so seriously (with consideration for others) means you're really growing up now, and are thinking more about finances and life - no longer simply wanting for the years to keep slipping away. Congrats! You're now entering adulthood!

Rule #1 - Be in charge of your life and live the life you've always wanted. Who cares about what role models you had or didn't have growing up. Let those things go and you'll really start living. Be the man, husband, father that you've always wanted to be. Figure out what needs to change to make those things happen for yourself.

Rule #2 - Find what truly makes you happy.
What you're going to figure out in life (as you get older and wiser) is that happiness that you get by getting or doing the things that YOU want won't ever be as rewarding or as satisfying as giving things and your time to your family and friends, and especially your wife (and kids).

Rule 3 - You'll know you're with the right girl when you can't ever picture her not being in your life. When you're with the right one, you'll gladly move to any part of Earth, just to be with her - and she'll do the same for you. That means also being open to what's going to make her happy and you also wanting to do the things that you know will bring joy to her life (like committing to marriage AND kids). Listen, life's not perfect - EVER!. While you're making your awesome plans, life is going to take over. It might look scary but you'll figure it out.


Here's a perfect example. Answer me this. What would happen if she told you she was pregnant?

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

"...but didn't need to go see. I knew this, so non-issue."
~~~~~~~~
So you weren't really giving to her.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

I bought two tickets to the concert. The original assumption was that we would go together, but I told her she was welcome to take a friend who would be more interested in seeing the show than I was.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by ovilla

Here's a perfect example. Answer me this. What would happen if she told you she was pregnant?

I'd be a father. Simple as that.

[Don Ro]

goose,
.
You're PM'ing me information that you clearly are not willing to share with the forum members. The very forum members who are willing to take the time to respond to you.
You're playing a game (withholding is the most pernicious form of lying) with us as you are with your lady...and perhaps all others in your life.
My offer to talk with you via PM and emails is over and out.

[MongooseGA]

Sorry, not unwilling. It was straying from the topic. I have nothing to hide. You have my permission to discuss it here if you'd like.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Sorry, not unwilling. It was straying from the topic. I have nothing to hide. You have my permission to discuss it here if you'd like.

Then share away...about what your lady has noticed in you.

[MongooseGA]

I'm not sure what you're referring to. The only mention I made about what she's commented on was the following quote from the previous page:

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I think I missed that chapter in her studies, but she did let me know I shared some qualities with narcissists.

I appreciate you taking an analytical approach to this. Definitely helpful in providing perspective.

For others to consider, here's what I PM'd to Don:

I looked up a few articles on BPD. I show some of the traits. I have never tried to harm myself or others. Things like changing plans during the day (say, running errands) will make me cranky if the day isn't previously set up to be a loose schedule. If someone tells me something like, "I'll be there at 10:00" but doesn't show until 10:30, I get irritated if there isn't a valid reason.

I took a BPD test and scored a 15: 0-14 being unlikely to have, 15-19 being possible, through the highest score of 34 being extreme BPD.

[Don Ro]

"I looked up a few articles on BPD. I show some of the traits."
.
Harming one's self and suicidal inclination is on the extreme end.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

"I looked up a few articles on BPD. I show some of the traits."

Don,

What are your thoughts?

[Don Ro]

My thought...
.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
.
This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" ~ Dr. Sam Vaknin

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

My thought...
.
Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply
.
This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" ~ Dr. Sam Vaknin

Fascinating. Enlightening. Terrifying.

I guess that also answers my earlier question.

[Don Ro]

"...earlier question..."
.
About what?

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

"...earlier question..."
.
About what?

Whether or not you were educated in or practicing in the field of psychology.

[Don Ro]

Decades ago I saw how undeveloped I was and sought out information that would give me some hope.
A fiance had an affair, I fell off the floor. I didn't even have myself to fall back on...terrifyingly alone, I was.
I spent ~ 16 years searching...and found my Self.
.
I did nothing that anyone else wouldn't/couldn't do with any level of salvific desire.
Lots of miracles out there.
Good luck, Mr. goose.

[recycled sixtie]

Hi Mongoose,

A few things I have experienced. If a relationship does not feel right then I would run like Forest Gump. Not always but you can judge a woman by her mother's personality.
Conversely I have met single guys and girls that will remain single because they could not adapt their lifestyle to that of another or vica versa. Some folks are just not meant to be married.

If you have any doubts about your compatibility with a woman and then you marry her then it will likely get worse. You can feel lonely on your own but if you have a long term relationship with a woman you are not happy with you can feel more lonely!

It is great if you can get it right with the first marriage but in my case it took twice and I have no regrets.

Cheers, Guy

[winders]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Not always but you can judge a woman by her mother's personality.

Either you can or you can't......No, you can't. The "not always" qualifier negates the rest of the sentence so why bother even typing it in?

[onewhippedpuppy]

You are at an impasse on the topics of kids and religion, two huge issues for a marriage. Is she comfortable with you remaining an agnostic for your entire life, or is she expecting/hoping that you'll sometime change? Does she still expect you to go to church with her, or does she go alone? How would her family feel about her marrying an agnostic? What is the church situation when you go visit her family for a weekend? If you did have kids, how would they be raised?

When my wife and I met, she was a devout Catholic and I was a casual Methodist that hadn't been to church in years. I went to church with her because at the time it was more important to her than I, and we had a lot of conversations on the topic. Our agreement was that she had to accept the fact that I might never become a Catholic, as I refused to convert based on family pressure. This was a big deal in her family, as her grandmother in particular was not happy to see her marrying someone of a different religion. I agreed that our kids would be raised Catholic, and that I would attend church with her regardless of my affiliation. We operated like this for several years of marriage until I decided on my own terms to convert. Most importantly, it wasn't an issue because we had discussed it and were on the same page.