How about a joke thread?

[Blanco]

Subject: 25 signs you have grown up
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> 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
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> 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
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> 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
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> 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
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> 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
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> 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
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> 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
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> 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
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> 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
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> 10. You're the one calling the police because those%&@# kids next
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> door won't turn down the stereo.
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> 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
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> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore
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> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
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> 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
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> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
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> 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
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> 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
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> one.
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> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
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> rather than settle, your stomach.
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> 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
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> antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
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> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
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> 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
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> 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going
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> to drink that much again."
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> 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
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> 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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> 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
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> doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old
butt.
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> Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you
know
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> they'll enjoy it & do the same.

[TheMentat]

A bus full of nuns drives off the road and over a cliff, killing all of the occupants. Following their untimely deaths, the nuns arrive at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting to admit them into heaven. He asks them all form a line, as he has to ask them a few questions prior to admission, which they do.

St. Peter asks the first nun "Have you ever touched a peni$ before?"

"Yes, I touched one with the tip of my finger" she replied.

St. Peter responds "Well then I have to ask you to dip your finger in this holy water before I can admit you". Which she does, and walks right in.

The second nun steps up, and he asks her the same question - "Have you ever touched a peni$ before?"

She responds "Yes, I held one with my hand once."

"Well then I have to ask you to put your whole hand into the holy water before I can admit you". Which she does, and walks right in.

St. Peter then notices some nurses switching places in the line further back. He asks "What's goin' on back there?"

One of the nuns sticks her head out and replies "I just didn't want to have to drink that holy water after Sister Mary sticks her a$$ in it."

[EdT82SC]

A three-year-old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mummy, are these my brains?"

His mother said, "Not yet."

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A scientist from Texas A&M University invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling while preventing the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[pwd72s]

This happened about a month ago just outside of Ironwood, a little town in northern Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the creek and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, theres that idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

[Don Ro]

.
Good thread.

[pwd72s]

A Scotsman moves to the USA. Finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again
cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming
with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.

The Umpire called "Walk." The batter started his slow trot to first
base.

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!"

The people around him began laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A friendly fan noted the
man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's
got
four balls."

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

[widebody911]

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU
SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, Then I sold him a medium fish hook, Then I sold him a large r fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"

[cmccuist]

With any luck he'll come home with a big red snapper.

[pwd72s]

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

[gavinlit]

Two radio operators, one of them aboard a U.S. Navy ship, had the
following exchange:

Radio 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a
collision.

Radio 2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees.

Radio 1: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Radio 2: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Radio 1: This is an aircraft carrier of the U.S. Navy. We are a large
warship. Divert your course now!

Radio 2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.





Was debunked about 30 yrs ago but funny nonetheless.

[widebody911]

What's the difference between a blonde and a 911?

You don't lend your 911 out to your friends.

[gavinlit]

What's a blonde say after having sex?

So are you guys all on the SAME football team?

[Isabo]

Why a handgun is better than a man
Some just have to apply to both sexes!

* You can trade a .44 for .22, and probably get a little money to boot.
* If you admire a friend's handgun and tell her she will probably let you try it out for a few rounds, if you like it more than yours you can go for a trade or get one just like hers
* You can buy a silencer for a gun.
* You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're travelling
* Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup
* Your handgun will stay with you even if you forget to feed it
* A handgun doesn't fill the garage with junk
* Handguns are always happy to go shopping with you
* Handguns sit on the sofa during weepy films, they don't go to tinker with a motorcycle until it's over
* Handguns only roar when you want them to
* Handguns happily wear whichever holster you think suits them.
* The same model is available in different barrel lengths.
* Handguns don't squeal if you grab their handle with cold hands.
* If the first shot goes off too soon, there's another one ready in the magazine. You can easily reload a handgun. Your gun fires whenever you want it to as many times as it takes to satisfy you.
* If a handgun is not exercised it's happy with an occasional wipedown with an oily rag.
* Sleep with a handgun and you don't have to sleep on the wetpatch

[bryanthompson]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[ricochet]

What's better, roses on the piano, or tulips on the organ?
And,

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
(You have been warned!)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.



What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

Because Janet Reno is her real father.


What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II
(JUST WARMING UP!)
(You have been warned again!)

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
(Just Great Stuff)

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

[ricochet]

Talk about a typo...

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."

[ricochet]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in
> > first class on a plane.
> > The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes
> > it between her legs.
> > The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
> > is probably
> > hallucinating.
> >
> > A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes
> > a tissue and gently
> > wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts.
> > He can't believe
> > that he's seeing what he's seeing.
> >
> > A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
> > She takes a tissue
> > and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
> >
> > The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to
> > the woman and says,
> > "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
> > taken a tissue and
> > wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are
> > you sending me, or are
> > you just trying to drive me crazy?"
> >
> > The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you,
> > sir. I have a rare
> > condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
> >
> > The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What
> > are you
> > taking for it?"
> >
> > The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
> > >> >>
> > >>
> >
And...
TEXAS PHRASES:

** The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
** Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
** Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.
** We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
** He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
** As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).
** S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
** It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
** Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
** This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
** He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
** They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.
** As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
** You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

[ricochet]

Subject: Nuts

> A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his
> inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients
> to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived,
> everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started,
> the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up.
>
> After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down.
> After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into
> applause and cheers.
>
> Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and
> a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was
> a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what
in
> the heck is going on"?.

> The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy
> walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS"!

[pwd72s]

Student Nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,surgical
procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but... listen very, very closely.....
..
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[gatotom]

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out
his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving s*** out of the
guy and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"