How about a joke thread?

[gatotom]

Subject: Defending ... Men Strike Back!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

[gatotom]

OK, this is the last one for awhile.

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares,

"Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[ricochet]

(URP) - Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub
regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by
females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available
almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and
bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few
units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a
vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a
relationship."

Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank
manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support
group nearest you, just look up "Cabarets" in the yellow pages.

[johnco]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The place went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink, on me"!!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons, and again revealing the same hairy armpit, asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Get the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her - - - the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

[craigster59]

A woman walks into a tatoo prlor and says" I've always loved the Beatles. I want a tatoo of Paul McCartney on the inside of my left thigh and John Lennon on my right thigh." The artist says "No problem" and goes to work. After he's done she looks down and says " that's not Paul McCartney and that doesn't look anything like John Lennon, I'm not paying!". The artist goes out to the street to get a second opinion, and finds a drunk. He says "look at that, doesn't that look like Paul McCartney, and there, isn"t that the spittin' image of John Lennon?" The drunk looks kind of wild eyed and says "I don't know about that Lennon and McCartney stuff, but the guy in the middle with the beard and bad breath, that's gotta be Willie Nelson" (apologies to the ladies)

Q:How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Wanna ride bikes!?

[Christien]

There's a new guy at the seminary, studying to become a priest. He's in the confessional booth with the older priest, listening to people's confessions, learning the ropes.

The first person comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed aldultery". The old priest responds "say 4 Hail Marys and 6 Our Fathers and your sins will be absolved, my son." The guy thanks the priest and leaves.

The next person comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I took the name of the Lord in vain." The priest sighs and replies "Say 5 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers and your sins will be absolved, my son." The guy says a quick prayer and leaves.

Suddenly the priest turns to his student and says "I have to go to the bathroom really badly, can you cover for for a quick minute?" The student says "But father, how do I know what to say to people?" The priest hands him a sheet and says "all the sins with the appropriate repentance are listed here. When someone tells you what sin they've committed, just consult the list." The student is apprehensive, but agrees and the old priest rushes out of the confessional booth.

Soon another person enters and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed fellatio". The student scans the list for fellatio, but can't find it. He reads the list again more carefully, murmuring "fellatio fellatio, hmm..." but still can't find it. He says to the person, "hang one one minute, I'll be right back". He tears out of the booth and grabs the first person he sees, which happens to be a young altar boy. He grabs the kid by the shoulders and shakes him vigorously, saying "kid! kid! What does the priest give you for fellatio??"

The kid slowly looks up at the student priest with big innocent eyes and quietly replies, "chocolate bar".

[pwd72s]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square,and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do
your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,

ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

drank the milk,,,,,,,,,

***** on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[serge944]

Being a state employee, the joke is strikingly familiar!

[pwd72s]

Originally posted by serge944
Being a state employee, the joke is strikingly familiar!

It was sent to me by a federal employee...

[pwd72s]

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store
was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first
saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is
the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep
track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought
but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when
he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and
asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we
got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front
of everyone?"


"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
second grade teacher!"

[craigster59]

Two condoms are walking down the street. They pass by a gay bar and one condom turns to the other and says, "Want to go in and get *****faced?"

[rcecale]

Originally posted by pwd72s
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government Employee....

For Heaven's sake, DO NOT let Superman read this joke!!!

Randy

[pwd72s]

Hello Ladies,

With Spring upon us, it's time again to remind ourselves of what not to
wear this season, while we are trying to look good.

Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite
confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop!

[}{arlequin]

Why will Michael Jackson never be competitive in NASCAR?








He likes to come in a little behind.

[johnco]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.


After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

[craigster59]

Two women are sitting on the porch when one says "Hey, here comes your husband and he's bringing you a boquet of flowers!" the other woman says "Oh jeez, you know what that means." the first woman says "No, What?" the second woman says "It means I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air." The first woman says "What, you don't own a vase?"

[pwd72s]

A couple in Sweetwater, Tx. had a lot of potted plants
and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a
lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake
was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream,


The husband who was taking a shower, ran out into the
living room naked to see what the problem was. She told
him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the
floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him
on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he
fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an
ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that
time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the
Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped
his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke
his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the
snake. He armed himself with a rolled up newspaper
and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat
down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in
between the cushions where she felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her laying there passed out
tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at
the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head
with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined
that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke
the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious
man, smelled the whiskey and assumed that a drunken fight
had occurred. They were about to arrest them
all, when the two women tried to explain how it all
happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out
from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his
gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of
the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table
fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke,
it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell
through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and
the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire
truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires
and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital.
The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all
was right with the world.


About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband
asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for
the night.

She shot him ! !

[craigster59]

A biker is having problems with his son who has the foulest mouth in school. He goes to a child psychologist with the problem. The psychologist says "No problem, we'll use negative reinforcement. Christmas is coming up. Ask him what he wants, and if he uses profanity, just substitute that gift with dog feces." So the biker asks his kid what he wants. "Well, when I wake up Christmas morning, right beside the bed I want to see the f*cking nicest pair of biker boots ever. And when I run downstairs, I want to se the f*cking b*tchenest leather jacket under the tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a bicycle in the driveway that looks just like a f*cking chopper!" Well, Christmas morning arrives, the kid wakes up and steps into a steaming pile of dog poop. He runs downstairs and under the tree is anther pile of dog poop. He goes outside and beside the garage is the biggest pile of dog***** he's ever seen. His father comes up to him with a smirk on his face and says " So son, what did Santa bring you?' The kid replies "Well, I think the f*cker brought me a puppy, but I can't find that c*cksucker anywhere!"

[pwd72s]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same >tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
( of course they are the same tune but I didn't have to try to sing it. musician, remember?)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but >call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[pwd72s]

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.