How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?"

The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son.

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"

"What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again.

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps the mom!

[GWN7]

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

... ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

——

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem

[Racerbvd]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[dafischer]

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman, and a hooker with diarrhea?









The oysterman shucks between fits.

[Racerbvd]

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Baz]

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae.....darlin'



AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:



1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

[Baz]

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.



The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.



About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.



Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”



Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush?"



“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”

[GWN7]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it this way. I'm the bread winner of the family so lets call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll call her the Working Class and your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the key hole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics now." The father says," good son, tell me in your own words what you think Politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

[BE911SC]

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[BE911SC]

A priest and a rabbi go camping one weekend. On the first night, after dinner, they are sitting by the campfire smoking cigars and sipping Sherry. The priest says, "Isn't this relaxing? All we need now are two little boys." The rabbi says, "Two little boys? What for?" The priest says, "To fu*k." The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

[Racerbvd]

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife
was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the
frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed
very Drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,--"I don't remember
asking her to cook my sock..."

[BE911SC]

Andrew Dice Clay to a guy in the crowd:

"So is she your girlfriend? She is? Is she pretty good in the sack? Yeah? Ever wonder how she got that way?"

[nuojisi]

It's very funny.

[GWN7]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking fo...r some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she!

[imcarthur]

Subject: Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainier contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wt.!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor . ( Julius Seizure , I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head

[pwd72s]

Son asks Mom: "May I take our dog for a walk?" Mom: "I don't know. Daisy is in heat. Ask your dad."

Son to Dad: "May I take our dog for a walk? Mom said Daisy is in heat and I should ask you." Father takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, scrubs Daisy's butt with it, and says: "You can go now but keep the dog on the leash!"

Son returns without any dog on the leash. Dad: "Where is Daisy?" Son: "Daisy ran out of gas about halfway down the street. But don't worry, another dog is pushing her home."

[fred cook]

An illegal alien, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says:



What can I get for you, Mr. President?

[pwd72s]

Guy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?


Guy: NAH... SHE'S NOT THAT UGLY!!

[pwd72s]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little
embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

[pwd72s]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

- "An ambulance just drove by!"

- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

- "Matt's riding a new bike!"

- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

- "Jason is on his skate board!"

- After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."