How about a joke thread?

[dafischer]

Math Trick.


This is a great math trick.



How to change a number 1 to a number 2,


















Yep, that should do it!

[rcooled]

Two elderly couples had dinner together, then after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
One old gent says to the other, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great...I'd highly recommend it."
His friend then asked for the name of the place.
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Baz]

[widebody911]

It's weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which we decide to lick the area from which a person urinates.

[GH85Carrera]

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday"
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

[GH85Carrera]

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

[GH85Carrera]

Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pills you need a proper prescription...simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

[Baz]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Bill Douglas]

Originally Posted by Rusty Heap

What do you get, when a Cement Truck runs into the police Jail. ?


.......HARDENED CRIMINALS......

Hahahahaha

Another one.


Thieves stole a truck that was fully laden with a delivery of Viagra.

The police are currently looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

[Baz]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.


"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.? Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.? Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.? Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[fastfredracing]

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with huge breasts?
One, is a crusty bus station
The other is a busty crustacean

[fastfredracing]

q. how are women and clouds similar?
a. eventually, they go away, and it is a nice day

[craigster59]

A woman hears a knock at the door and it's her husband's supervisor from the brewery where he works.

"I'm sorry to inform you ma'am, but there's been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into one of the beer vats and drowned." says the supervisor.

"Oh my God" says the woman "That's terrible! At least I can seek comfort in knowing that he died a quick death."

"I don't know about that ma'm" says the supervisor, "He got out three times to go to the bathroom."

[GH85Carrera]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 12 large drafts of beer within a one (1)
hour period.

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

[Baz]

Milennials....exploring ancient ruins........

[Baz]

[E38Driver]

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your older brother's friends.

It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your *******'s broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

[flipper35]

Three house pets—a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat—all die and go to heaven.
As with all the good animals, God decided to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says, “The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell Me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?”
The dog says “I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years.”
God smiles “Truly you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at My right hand.” He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?”
“I believe in color, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says, “For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with song.”
“Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says. “And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at My left.”
God finally turns to the house cat. “And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?”
The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says, “I believe You are in my seat.”

[porsche930dude]

Before going to surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation

[PD41]

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Cli-taurus”. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it as needed