How about a joke thread?

[cashflyer]

[dafischer]

There I was, just sitting at the bar staring at my drink, minding my own business, when a large, trouble making, half drunk biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it? he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life", I said. "I'm a complete failure, I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have theft insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that took me home. When I got there, I found my wife in our bed with another man and then my dog bit me"
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink - I drop a capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me - how are you doing?"

[charlesbahn]

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Garvin,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Garvin, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15. October 24: Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?


And last, but not least:

16. October 25: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

These fit so well that they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And Lastly, WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Cheers
JB

[porsche930dude]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR ****ING BADGE!"

[dafischer]

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my Fiscal Cliff Survival Pack from the White House.

It contained a parachute, an 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker, a 'Bush's Fault' poster, a 'Blame Boehner' poster, a "Tax the Rich' poster, an application for unemployment, an application for food stamps, a prayer rug, a letter of assignation of debt to my grandchildren, and a machine to blow smoke up my ass.

All directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should arrive soon.

[GH85Carrera]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Baz]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,

"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack ***** about my business... "

" ... Now give me back my dog"

[GH85Carrera]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[Z-man]

Originally Posted by Baz

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,

"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack ***** about my business... "

" ... Now give me back my dog"

Palm Pilot? Whoa -- 1997 called, they want their joke back.

-Z-man.

[GH85Carrera]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[GH85Carrera]

Bubba is driving down a back road in TEXAS ..

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lordy have mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's THREE of my favorites!"

[GWN7]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old MAN, have you ever danced?"

the old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old man prospector - not wanting to get his toe blown off -started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old man and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir... But... I've always wanted to."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid...

[GH85Carrera]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant ( FA ) walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, *****," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

[GH85Carrera]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Rusty Heap]

What's the difference between mexican and black jokes? Nothing, once you've heard juan you've heard jamal.

[Joe Bob]

Q: Whats the difference between a ginger and a brick? A: At least a brick gets laid.

Q: How does every Redhead joke begin? A: By looking over your shoulder!

Q: What do you call a gay Ginger? A: Flaming. Q: What's the difference between a ginger and a vampire? A: One is a pale, bloodsucking creature that avoids the sun. The other is a vampire.

Q: Why are the Harry Potter films unrealisitc? A: A ginger kid has 2 friends! Q: How many Ginger people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common? A: You've never had it so good and so fast. Q: What do you call it when a redhead goes off the deepend? A: a ginger snap.

Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life? A: Grey Hair

Q: What do you call a redheaded ninja? A: a ginga

Q: What's the difference between ginger pussy and a bowling ball? A: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.

Q: Why are ginger kids lucky? A: They get their own room when they stay at Michael Jackson's house

Q: How can two redheads become invisible in a crowd of three? A: When they're with a blonde.

Q: Why do redheads take the pill? A: Wishful thinking. Q: What do you call a redhead with an attitude? A: Normal.

Q: What's shorter than an Asian's dick? A: a Ginger's temper.

Q: What book will never make a woman wet? A: 50 Shades of Ginger.

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart if you’re a redhead? A: Through his ribcage.

Q: What’s the advantage of a blond over a redhead? A: You can at least ignore a blond safely.

Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? A: Wait 10 seconds.

Q: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? A: There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a redhead? A: A hostage.

Q: What do you call a redhead with a blond on either side? A: An interpreter.

Q: Why was the first football pitch sketched out on a redhead's chest? A: They needed a level playing field.

Q: Why are redheads flat chested? A: It makes it easier to read their T- shirts

Q: What do gingers miss most about a great party? A: The invitation.

Q: What's worst than Eric Cartman making fun of Gingers on November 9th, 2005 in Season 9 Episode 11: Ginger Kids? A: Being a Ginger Kid and having to go to school on November 10th, 2005!

Q: What do you call a redhead with large breasts? A: A mutant.

Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer? A: Redhead won’t accept a three and a half inch

Q: What’s the difference between a redhead and a lawyer? A: There’s some things even a lawyer won’t do to people.

Q: How do you know when you’ve satisfied a redhead? A: She unties you

Q: When do you call a Ginger sexy? A: If she's a brunette named Ginger. Q: Why don't gingers visit Pamplona, Spain in July? A: Running of the Bulls

Q: What do you call a ginger at a party? A: Unwelcome.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald’s have in common? A: You’ve never had it so good and so fast.

Q: What do you call an attractive male with a Ginger lady? A: a gigolo.

Q: What do you get when you mix Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy together? A: A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha? A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: Why aren’t there any more redhead jokes? A: Someone told them to a redhead.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you? A: Say something like "I’m one of those males who love redheads... jokes."

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? A: Normal

Q: Why are gingers like guns? A: Keep one around long enough, and you re goin to want to shoot it.

Q: Why is it called the Virgin Islands? A: Only Gingers live there!

Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids.

Q: What do you call a soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of red hair between his two front teeth? A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Q: What's the difference between a dead possum on the road and a dead ginger? A: The possum was probably on its way to meet friends!

Q: What do you call a redhead who Masterbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What kind of beds do Gingers sleep on? A: Temper-pedics. Q: What do you call a Ginger in a Porn film? A: Cameraman.

Q: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a ginger? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist!

Q: What's the best thing about being Ginger? A: You know you weren't adopted.

Q: Why do gingers burn when they go out in the sun? A: Natural selection.

Q: What's the difference between a shoe and a ginger? A: A shoe has a soul.

Q: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? A: There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on.

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor

Q: What's the only thing redheads drink? A: Ginger Ale. Q: How do you start an argument with a redhead? A: Say something.

Q: How do you know your adopted? A: When your the only ginger in the family.

Q: How does a ginger answer her phone on a Saturday night? A: Wrong number.

Q: How do you cure a ginger? A: Chemotherapy.

Q: What do you call a ginger whose phone rings on a Saturday night? A: Shocked.

Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? A: Wait 10 seconds

[Joe Bob]

One Liners

My wife asked me to prepare our son for his first day of school. He's a ginger so I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

S.W.A.G. (Sex With A Ginger)

If a red head guy works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

If a dementor's kiss steals your soul, what has Ron Weasley got to worry about?

Freckles give a Ginger it's powers.

If someone tells you a secret and says not to tell a soul, can you tell a ginger?

There's always that one ginger that claims to be strawberry blonde.

Want to survive a horror movie? Be a ginger. You can't die if you don't have a soul.

I'm a ginger and this crazy. But here's my sunscreen, I use it daily.

You can't have a soul mate if you don't have a soul.

Went to a ginger convention, not a soul showed up.

If Monday were a person, it would be a ginger.

A tan redhead is like a smart blonde. We all know you're faking it. You're just jealous that my hair color can be found in rainbows and yours can only be found in the dirt.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again. I'd say send her to Azkaban except the dementors will have no affect on her...she's a ginger.

You're a ginger therefore your opinion is invalid.

My phone just autocorrected "ginger" to "soulless".

If you're not dating a redhead, raise your hand. If you are, raise your standards.

That unexpected awkwardness when a ginger speaks without permission

Crying I was shopping today, in the local Sams Club, when I heard a member of staff crying, quite loudly. When I saw the member of staff, I realised what all the commotion was about, and I don't blame him. I'd cry too if I was ginger.

Birth Control So I was recently reading that condoms are effective only 97% of the time and I thought that's not good enough. So I tried getting my girlfriend to use the pill, this is apparently 98% effective. So then I tried the female condom, and found that to be 99% effective. But after all this I still strove for a method that is 100% effective. So yesterday I dyed my hair ginger.

Magic Lamp A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" The ginger says, "I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and twenty floors, all made of pure gold." The genie looks at him and says, "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That's impossible. Pick something else." So the ginger says, "I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair colour." The genie says, "So this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?"

Stepsisters A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Rich & Poor A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives. "What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "She's a ginger, i'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go **** herself."

[GH85Carrera]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[GH85Carrera]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Relations claimed that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, let's see, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years now. I started paying him $200 a week, now he gets $400 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: Yeah..That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me, the ranch owner.