Poor Old Spot

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!

repost request.

the men v women filling up gas in car?

Ancient song/joke:
http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
> over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
> and I can't figure out how to get it started."
>
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
> it's finished?"
>
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
> it's a tiger."
>
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
> puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
> the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
> box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
> matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
> assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
> tiger."
>
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
> relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
> sighed...
>
> "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little *****, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself i n the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Bush Stamps
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:


1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Drive throgh atm
 

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

I wanna be illegal
 

An actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent
to his Senator (Not too sure just how funny this really is!)



The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510



Dear Senator Harkin,


As a native Iowan and excellent customer of Internal Revenue Service, I am
writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security

in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an
illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need
to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of
the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get
the process started before everyone figures it out.



Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that can I apply to be illegal
retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family
because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.



Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency
room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.



Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would
receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as
well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States
for my son.



Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of
renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.



If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be
most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.


Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

A farmer hauling a load of pigs in a stake bed truck was driving up the 5 freeway in LA. The farmer hit a bump in the lousy road and a pig fell out of the truck and rolled harmlessly into the center divider.

Two Pollocks driving a 930 Porsche saw the calamity and stopped in the center of the freeway. Grabbed the pig and took off up the freeway at a high rate of speed.
Hauling Pork butt the Pollock's were pulled over by then CHP. The highway patrolman walked up to the Porsche and says “Why are you to fellas going so fast”?
The pollock driver says “Officer you see this pig in the back seat, It fell out of that pig truck way up the road and we were just trying to catch the owner to give the pig back”
The Officer said “Well I can appreciate that but the speed limit in LA is 65 MPH”
The Pollock says “Well officer, how are we to catch the farmer”? CHP Officer “Well I guess your not” Pollock says “Then what are we going to do with this pig”? CHP officer realizes they’re near Griffith Park and says “Take him over to the LA Zoo”

Two weeks pass………

The CHP officer is cruising the 91 Freeway near Beach Blvd and notices the 930 Porsche and sees that there is a pig in the back seat…Out of curiosity he pulls the Porsche over and walks up noticing the same pollocks and the pig. The CHP officer says” I thought I told you to take that pig to the Zoo”! The pollocks says “Officers we did, we did, and had so much fun we thought we would take him to Disneyland today”

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, that feels soooo good, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't l et worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Randy

True story (not by me...):

I believe it. I mean you'd need a twin turbo Porsche engine to get a '95 Ford Probe going fast enough to go back in time to race in the mid 80's.

twin turbo Taz
 

Hey Taz,
You've got that right "TAZ"

Here's my twin turbo Taz-manian quad that I raced at Sebring years ago... well, okay, maybe not. LOL
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1178051747.jpg

Now back to the topic.......


THREESOME

A guy pulled a woman at a night club.

She was a right looker for 47.

They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

He said no.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

He went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs..

"Mum ---- you still awake?"

Lawyer Joke:

Two farmers are fighting over a cow. Both claim it's theirs. One farmer is pulling on the horns, the other is pulling on the tail. On and on it goes. In the meantime their respective lawyers are under the cow, milking it!

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I schit myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

Randy :D

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to
the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me
of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"You **** her again."

I think this might be arepeat but who cares . . .

The Skinny Dippers & The Old Man

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end & one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast.

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

http://www.gla.ac.uk/departments/philosophy/Personnel/susan/Webpages0506/JadeBrian/Huxley.html

http://www.gla.ac.uk/departments/phi.../evolution.jpg

Could be coincidence... or an urban legend... but then again...

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known
incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force
and the US government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick
Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge
black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, 7 feet
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown.

The white guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy say's "what's wrong with you?"

In a week voice the little guy guy says, "what exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350
pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name
is Turner Brown.

The small guy says, "Turner Brown! . sweet jesus, I thought you said "TURN
AROUND"

An Arizona DPS officer stops a speeding Missipppi trucker.
The patrolman asked the driver, "do you know what you were doin, sir?"
To which the driver said "Bout what?"

I just found this thread - damn you all with your 32 pages of jokes, I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago!

A mouse runs into a music shop and hops up onto the counter.
"Excuse me" comes the high pitched little voice.
"Yes?" says the shopkeeper.
"Have you got any mouth organs?" squeaks the mouse.
"30 years I've had this shop and never seen a mouse" says the guy, "but you're the second mouse in here today. And the other one was looking for a mouth organ too".
"Oh" says the mouse, "that must have been Our Monica".

What will come out of this, then?

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1178807657.jpg

Sorry if this is a repeat.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman:Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of the vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem Sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of the car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.

The woman digs into handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A lawyer runs a stop sign in his new Carrera GT and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston, Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."



"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving */#!% out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

rescued from page 3.......


Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat’s milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he’s a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

Doctor John had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering...... John........ John........ you're a Vet.....

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high!"

It's always tough to fire someone. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like **** this morning."

Statement from befuddled husband...

While I was watching some baseball, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Triumph Spitfire when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the sports car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $539,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...





"Try doing it with the engine running."

Aging is tough!

An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!

funny read from a Z board...
http://www.300zxclub.com/showthread.php?t=98234



Roping a Deer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of months, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not
mention that at the time I had a rope on it.

The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth) For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here.

I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer."