How about a joke thread?

[Isabo]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home
and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away. He
put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few hundred miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was
a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[real550A]

What's the difference between a woman in church, and a woman in the shower?
The woman in church has a "soul full of hope"!

[on-ramp]

what does FIAT stand for?

(in an Italian accent):

Fix It Again, Tony!

[Bill Douglas]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly,
"in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man,
"Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[mattdavis11]

A guy calls his boss to let him know he is sick, and won't be coming to work

His boss replies, "You don't sound sick"

To which he replied, "Well, I'm ****** my sister, is that sick enough for ya"

[pwd72s]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.


The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5
minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15
minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I
rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made
love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, what could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[Bill Douglas]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound sleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

[Bill Douglas]

An oldy but a goodie...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911(hee hee!) and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[RoninLB]

The following are all replies that British women have put on the child support agency forms in the section for listing fathers details: These are genuine excerpts from the files.

"regarding the of the father of my twins,child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the child BE,But I believe he was conceived the same night."

" I am unsure of the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this would help."

"I do not know the identity of the father of my little girl.He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stilleto heel in one of the panels of the door. Perhaps you can check BMW service stations in the area and see if hes had it replaced."

"I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you cant be sure which one made you fart."

[Burnin' oil]

Punch lines only:

"Yeah, and deep too."

and

"'Cause they can."

[Overpaid Slacker]

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

(Italian accent)
Because Italians don't like ANY f*cking witnesses.
(/Italian accent)

********************

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

(blank stare)
Wanna ride bikes?

JP

[oldE]

A maid in ye olde English estate approaches the head butler and timidly asks"Excuse me sir, but what is a 'Faux pas?'"
Jeeves looks down his nose at the simple girl and begins:"You will recall how M'Lady had invited the Archbishop to visit today as the roses in the garden were exquisite?" The girl nods.
"And you will also remember that whilst the Archbishop was admiring M'Lady's roses, he perchanced to prick his finger upon a thorn?" Again she nods.
"Now listen carefully!" he commands. "Later, when M'Lady was serving tea and enquired of the Archbishop,'Tell me Archbishop. Does your swollen prick still throb painfully?' And you dropped the tray of silver.... That was a faux pas."
Les

[RoninLB]

radio prank gone wrong

http://www.primepuzzle.com/leeslightest/radio_prank.html

[concentric]

Originally posted by RoninLB
radio prank gone wrong

http://www.primepuzzle.com/leeslightest/radio_prank.html

Oops! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
That's priceless.

JCM

[serge944]

The prank is great. Haha.

[UconnTim97]

That prank definitely backfired...lol

[Joe Bob]

One blonde was trying to cross the street....she spied another blonde on the other side.....

She yelled over to the second blonde and asked....how do you get to the other side???

The second blonde answered after about five minutes....you ARE on the other side....

[gchappel]

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a
blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman
ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home
from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

[dhoward]

Bar jokes:
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

A 6 foot tall grasshopper walks into a bar. All of the patrons are stunned into silence as the grasshopper walks up to the bartender. Finally recomposing himself the bartender says "Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Phil?"
[rimshot]

[real550A]

What's the difference between the circus, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?

The circus is an array of cunning stunts!