How about a joke thread?

[Bill Douglas]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like auto mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[ronb]

3 surgeons from Texas in a bar discussing their most successful operations.

#1 says - I had a guy, marathon runner, got his leg mangled in press; just last week he won the Boston Marathon

#2 - well, I had a patient, a concert pianist, he got his arm caught in a compactor, came in with it barely attached, and now...he's performing at Carnegie hall

#3 - My patient was a cowboy, hopped up on coke and booze...rode his horse onto the train tracks, got anhilated by a train...I put him back together, and dammed if that sumbit#ch ain't president of the United States

[RoninLB]

no punch line

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire
with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters.
Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town
bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny.
What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

[Overpaid Slacker]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

(disclaimer -- my BAC would make an elephant stagger)

JP

[Overpaid Slacker]

OK, enough suspense --

Because she's a woman.

JP

[Joe Bob]

Why can't Helen Keller skydive?








































Scares the crap outta her guidedog....

[RoninLB]

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing
round. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

[singpilot]

Can't wait for the Arab / Camel version of this.

[Hugh R]

Husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa
where a woman may go to choose a husband from among
many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the
men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As
you open the door to any floor you may choose a man
from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot
go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a
husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1
-

These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says
to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -

These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks
to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?"

And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -

These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework. "Wow," exclaims
the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be further
up!"

And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor
sign reads: Floor 5 -

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think ...
what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor
sign reads: Floor 6 -
You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you
for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

[oldE]

My Dad, trying to get my little sister to read when she was three or four, used to give her a quarter if she could pick out big words on the page. I guess you could say it backfired one morning when Dad was picking up a paper at a store near the park and my little sister started pointing at him and yelling "Pedophile! Pedophile!" until he gave her a quarter to shut her up. Seems she figured out a new word. Dad says he never could go back to that darn store.
Les

[RoninLB]

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to
envelopes.This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side

[ronin]

Originally posted by singpilot
Can't wait for the Arab / Camel version of this.

yalla, yalla

khalass, khalass

p'habbik "camel?"

ya-alllaaaahh!

[RoninLB]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a Texas bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Say, isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III ".
All the guy says is, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaims, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass?!
I told you no one would worry about 40 million Iraqis!"

[serge944]

Have you heard about the recent stamp recall?

Well, they had pictures of lawyers on them, and frankly, people didnt know which side to spit on.

[RoninLB]

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Devil: You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember?


Devil: Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

Devil: Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays .

[Hugh R]

Porsche 911 Twin Turbo & Moped



A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!

And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please."

[Hugh R]

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the
21st Century


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: the word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can
I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel
2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for
windows!

ABBOTT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word
in the world.

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOTT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOTT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one
isn't even part of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my
money with?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: why not, they own it

[}{arlequin]

ONE EVENING MIKE WENT OVER HIS FRIEND TERRY'S HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS WITH SOME FRIENDS. MIKE SAT DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM TERRY'S WIFE. MIKE DROPPED A CARD ON THE FLOOR AND BENT DOWN TO PICK IT UP. WHEN HE LOOKED ACROSS THE TABLE HE SAW THAT TERRY'S WIFE HAD HER LEGS OPEN AND NO PANTIES ON. HE SAT UP AND WAS FLUSHED. HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET A DRINK OF WATER. TO HIS SURPRISE TERRY'S WIFE HAD FOLLOWED HIM INTO THE KITCHEN AND SAID, "DID YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SAW"? MIKE SAID YES I DID. SHE SAID, "WELL YOU CAN GET MORE THAN THAT BUT IT WILL COST YOU $500". SO MIKE THOUGHT ABOUT HIS FINANCIAL SITUATION AND SAID O.K.. SHE SAID SO MEET ME HERE TOMORROW AT 2:30 BECAUSE TERRY WILL BE AT WORK THEN. MIKE SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU THEN". THE NEXT DAY, MIKE CAME OVER, THEY HAD SEX, HE PAID HER, THEN HE LEFT. LATER TERRY CAME HOME AND SAID, "HAS MIKE BEEN OVER HERE TODAY"? SHE SAID THINKING SHE HAD BEEN CAUGHT, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES. TERRY ASKED, "DID HE LEAVE $500?" SHE SAID AS A MATTER OF FACT HE DID. TERRY SAID, "GOOD BECAUSE THAT FOOL CAME BY MY JOB THIS MORNING AND ASKED TO BORROW $500 TILL THIS EVENING, AND SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IT WITH YOU.

[B D]

What did the Mexican Fireman name his two kids?





Jose and JosB

[bbq_duck]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she
was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the
store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman
with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a
permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you
could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my
sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $5000 in cash."